Avoiding Favoritism in Parenting
If you have more than one child, accusations of favoritism are inevitable. Phrases like “You like her better than me” or “You always let him get his way” may sting your ears, serving as a constant reminder that no matter how hard you try, your actions may never seem fair or equal to your children. Understand that your children may never fully grasp your reasoning, and trying to explain or convince them otherwise is often wasted effort. However, if one child frequently plays the “not fair” card, it’s worth paying attention.
Parents often claim they love all their children equally, but this is rarely true and nearly impossible to achieve. No two children are alike, and every family is both blessed and challenged by children with distinct personalities. Inevitably, one child may shine as the “diamond” due to their mild-mannered or studious nature, often receiving more recognition for their accomplishments. Trouble arises when parents compare children, saying things like, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” Such comparisons can foster deep emotional issues, including self-esteem problems, as a child feels like the “Cinderella” of the family. While parents don’t intend to make one child feel inferior, actions often speak louder than words.
As a parent, it’s crucial to acknowledge your feelings. It’s easier to spend time with a child who requires less discipline—one who keeps their room tidy, goes to bed without fuss, and rarely talks back. This child naturally attracts more positive attention. Conversely, a child with a more challenging temperament may push boundaries further, seeking any attention—even negative—because it feels better than being ignored. This dynamic can unintentionally reinforce favoritism, exacerbating the issue.
Promoting Fairness and Balance
In many families, each parent may connect more strongly with one child due to shared chemistry. This doesn’t mean they love that child more, but the bond is noticeable, and other children will pick up on it. While you can’t control these connections, and shouldn’t feel guilty about them, it’s essential to avoid letting them fuel perceptions of favoritism. Parents should strive to split their time evenly, finding common ground with each child and resisting the temptation to focus on the “easier” one.
Unintentionally, parents may use a well-behaved or older sibling as an example to encourage better behavior in another child. However, this approach can damage sibling relationships, foster jealousy, and worsen family dynamics. Over time, a child who feels less favored may adopt a “stepchild” mindset, believing they aren’t valued. This can strain relationships into adulthood, making it harder to connect with that child.
Complete equality among children is impossible, but parents can avoid the stigma of playing favorites by treating each child as an individual while maintaining consistent rules. Rules should apply uniformly to all children, and discipline, though tailored to individual needs, should remain fair. For example, if a typically high-achieving child brings home a failing grade, the consequence should align with how a struggling student is treated. Consistent rules and predictable consequences help children feel like equals.
No parent or family is perfect, and equality is an ideal, not a reality. To determine if a child feels overlooked, listen closely. If they frequently complain about unfairness or feeling less loved, take it seriously. Dismissing their feelings or trying to convince them otherwise won’t help. Their perception of favoritism is real to them, regardless of your intentions. Avoid overcompensating with excessive attention, as this can create new imbalances. Instead, reflect on your behavior to identify why they might feel this way. Strive for balance and harmony, ensuring each child feels they hold a special place in your heart.
