One of the great debates in life arises when a couple decides to take the next big step in their relationship and move in together. The merging of households—right down to the dishes and forks, the splitting of bills, and the sharing of the bed—can seem very much like a marriage. For many people in long-term cohabitating relationships, the question arises: does being married, as in saying “I do” and placing rings on special fingers, really make any difference? After all, isn’t a couple that is living together essentially the same as one that is married?
The truth is, ‘playing house’ is NOT the same as being married. Many statistics support this statement. Still, according to Bride Magazine, around 65% of couples live together before tying the marital knot. The trend of living together before marriage is becoming widely socially accepted, and many couples believe that cohabitation can better prepare them for marriage. Ask any married person, and they will tell you that you never truly know someone until you live with them. It’s during cohabitation that people learn about the raw personality details and tiny idiosyncrasies that often become deal breakers in a marriage. Living together is a bit like test-driving a car; you can take the relationship for a spin and see how well it feels.
The Differences Between Cohabitation and Marriage
Unfortunately, this test drive isn’t the best solution for longevity in a marriage. According to a study published by Harvard in The Boston Globe, research indicates that couples who live together before marriage actually have a higher chance of divorce. Apparently, when people are ‘test driving’ their relationships, they forget that the “new car smell” will eventually wear off. Relationships, unlike cars, don’t come with long-term warranties.
If you’re living with someone, you’re likely among the 55% of couples who eventually get married after cohabitating. For many, this marriage stems from social pressure or pressure from one partner to tie the knot. Once you are living together, many people see marriage as the inevitable next step. A man or woman may say to their partner, “Why can’t we just get married? After all, we’re already living together.” So, the next best thing to do—especially if an ultimatum is offered—is to get married. This gentle push to get married, supported by the idea that current living arrangements are working so well, is often the ONLY reason many cohabitating couples end up getting married in the first place.
So, What Is the Difference Between Playing House and Being Married?
According to sociologists, the answer is: A LOT! Perhaps the most pressing difference between living together and marriage comes from the perceived expectations that marriage brings. A piece of paper, a vow, and a ring all come with a huge amount of expectations that living together does not present. Suddenly, couples who were living together get married, and the entire dynamic of the relationship changes. Additionally, many people—especially women—believe that marriage will change the level of commitment or respect they receive from their partner. Because marriage often comes with preconceived notions and high expectations, many couples who live together first end up disappointed once they get married. In fact, couples living together are often disillusioned by what they believe will change once marital commitments are made.
Additionally, the new attitude in relationships—married or otherwise—is often not “’til death do us part,” but rather “’til I am no longer happy.” Couples who live together first often reach this “no longer happy” point more quickly than those who didn’t live together beforehand. According to the Journal of Marriage and Family from Psychology Today, couples who live together before marriage tend to divorce more quickly than those who don’t. While the average married couple that hasn’t lived together before marriage might begin to face marital issues around the 5-year mark, couples who have lived together first often hit this point much sooner.
Aside from preconceived notions, high expectations, and a generally reduced commitment to the institution of marriage, there are many other reasons living together is not the same as marriage. One key difference is that living together has no long-lasting or binding commitments. In other words, it’s more like a ‘rental’ agreement. This sense of temporary arrangement means couples are less likely to work as hard to preserve or nurture the relationship. Without the commitment that marriage requires, it’s much easier to walk away.
Moreover, playing house and pretending to be married is exactly that—role playing. You are essentially pretending to be an adult, mature couple without taking on the real adult responsibilities that come with marriage. Transitioning from this mindset can be difficult because it’s much easier, and less time-consuming, to simply cohabit than to invest in a relationship ‘til death do you part.
Living together before marriage is something Dr. Laura Schlessinger, host of the nationally syndicated Dr. Laura radio show, critiques in her book Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives. She goes into great detail about the cons of living together before marriage, arguing that “shacking up with your honey is the ultimate act of self-delusion.” To quote Dr. Laura: “Dating—not living in—should be about learning and discerning” about a prospective mate.
All couples would do well to consider the ways in which marriage and living together differ. If you’re willing to settle for an uncommitted living arrangement that’s easier than marriage, then why would a couple even have the desire to get married at all?
