Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Praise?
It seems that today, there are so many rules and regulations when it comes to parenting that much of what we do as parents feels counterintuitive. Praising a child’s accomplishments is one of those things that comes naturally. The first time your newborn held his or her head up, you praised them and called every single person you knew to share the milestone. The same thing happened when your child took their first steps, used the potty, finished their peas at the dinner table, and drafted their first perfect letter ‘A.’ It seems that when it comes to parenting, praise just comes naturally.
But can you praise too much? And have we, as parents, become so fearful of turning our children into psychopaths that we are now praising the wrong things?
Some experts say yes. In fact, they are now saying that how we praise our children truly impacts their success in life. According to these experts, our praise should focus more on the effort than on the accomplishment itself. For instance, if your daughter scored three home runs at her softball game or brought home a straight-A report card, parents should praise all the practice, hard work, and studying that went into the accomplishment, rather than the result itself. Why? Because by praising the accomplishment—such as making a straight-A report card or hitting three home runs—we begin setting the bar too high for our children and putting undue pressure on them to perform. This supposedly leads to children feeling that unless they get straight A’s or hit home runs, they won’t be praised. Hmmm.
Balancing Praise: Effort vs. Accomplishment
Experts also suggest that praising only the accomplishment can cause children to easily identify their weaknesses. For example, if mom and dad are proud of the A on the social studies test, the child might assume that their parents won’t be proud of them when they bring home a C on a science test—even if the effort was the same. The child may then conclude that they aren’t successful at science. While there’s some truth to this theory, it’s also important that children recognize their strengths and weaknesses in life and understand that perfection won’t come in every area.
As a parent, it’s important to praise both the effort and the accomplishment. Children need to understand that life won’t always be full of straight A’s and picture-perfect moments. Focusing on both effort and achievement can spark a child’s inner desire to do their best—not because of parental praise, but because of their own personal standards of self-worth. After all, you don’t want your child to become a successful adult solely for the sake of pleasing YOU.
While it’s easy to agree that praising accomplishments is important, parents can sometimes go overboard. By praising every little thing a child does, you may create a child who looks to you for feelings of self-worth. They’ll do something at school and seek the same kind of praise from their teachers, but sadly, they might not get it. In fact, over-praising can lead them to constantly seek approval from others. The truth is that praising your child for a job well done, for hard work, and for accomplishments should be part of your daily life. However, it shouldn’t be the only measure of your child’s self-worth.
As you praise your child, teach them that it’s okay to admit out loud when they’ve done something well. Teach them that they too can be proud of their artwork, the way they handled a playmate on the swing set, or the way they performed on a test. When a child learns how to feel proud of themselves, they’ll experience double the pleasure—both from their inner sense of accomplishment and from the praise they receive from you.
Obviously, praising your child’s accomplishments is important. To encourage desired behavior, children must grow up in an environment where their efforts are both recognized and celebrated. Parents are naturally excited when their children do well, and your praise and excitement should never be withheld. Plus, children love knowing that mom and dad (and others) are super proud of them. Fostering their self-esteem and helping them develop a desire to succeed in life is certainly a parent’s responsibility, at least in the beginning. As time goes on and children learn to recognize the efforts behind their accomplishments, offering praise and suggesting ways to improve ‘next time’ will help promote their personal growth.
Bottom line: If you feel the urge to grab your child, hug them, and tell them they did a wonderful job, you should listen to your intuition and do so. There is such a thing as overthinking parenting, especially when there are so many experts (many of whom don’t have children themselves) trying to teach us counterintuitive methods for raising our kids. Good things—across the entire spectrum of your child’s development—will come from praise.
“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” – Oprah Winfrey
