Prolonging a Doomed Marriage – Admit it, It’s Over

wife upset with her husband

Deep down, you may know your marriage is doomed. The nagging feeling that you’re not happy seems to linger longer each day. You often find yourself thinking about divorce and, at times, feel regret about your choice of partner. Yet, despite how you feel on the inside, actually filing for divorce feels like failure, and you shy away due to pride or embarrassment—worried about how the rest of the world would feel about the charade you’ve been playing for years. If you’re prolonging a doomed marriage, take solace in knowing you’re not alone.

In today’s romantic climate, it is increasingly rare for a couple to marry and stay married. In fact, more than half of all couples who say “I do” find themselves taking back these two simple yet meaningful words within the first 10 years of marriage.

Psychologists believe that as divorce becomes more widely accepted, more people will escape unhappy marriages. According to a study by Psychology Today, around 71% of the population believes divorce is an acceptable remedy for an unhappy marriage. Decades ago, divorce was seen as a sin, and people often hid their marital unhappiness from the outside world, staying together at great personal cost. As children from today’s married couples grow up, they are taught by example that marriage is not necessarily forever and that personal happiness is vital. As a result, the institution of marriage, as we know it, will likely begin to fade.

Still, many people prolong doomed marriages. Most stay, teetering between feelings of resentment and anger for various reasons. Things may be terrible one week, only to feel okay the next. You may even look at your neighbor’s marriage and think, “Maybe mine isn’t so bad after all.”

The most common reason people stay in a bad marriage is because of children, followed by financial concerns. The key word here is prolonging. By staying in an unhappy marriage, you’re not working toward a solution, and according to statistics, if you’re seriously unhappy, your marriage will likely end eventually. The phase of hanging on, waiting for that moment when you’re convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that the marriage is over, may be all for nothing. In other words, if things aren’t getting better, and you can’t work out your problems, and you no longer love your partner (or they don’t love you), then all you are doing is prolonging the inevitable. Why? Read on!

Prolonging a Doomed Marriage for the Kids?

There has been quite a bit of research on whether it’s right for parents to stay together for the kids. Parents often fear court custody battles and joint custody agreements. They stay together because they can’t imagine their child not having a single household to call home. Yet, research indicates that children suffer when parents stay together solely for their sake. Whether you realize it or not, your children notice your unhappiness. And your unhappiness makes you less effective as a parent than you would be if you were happy. Furthermore, for many couples, the routine involves constant arguing and negative emotional outbursts, often in front of the children, which can harm their well-being.

It’s important to consider one thing: If your child were unhappy, would you want them to stay? If abuse were involved, would you want them to get away from it? Children learn by example—from YOU. They are watching your marriage, how you solve problems, and what happiness looks like. They are learning from your relationship how to navigate their own future relationships. The truth is, you won’t earn a medal for staying in an unhappy marriage. Your children won’t grow up and respect you for the sacrifices you made. In fact, they may resent you for raising them in a home filled with stress and unhappiness.

The best advice for anyone living in an unhappy marriage is to take some time and truly reflect on your life. Are you living to your full potential? Is there any way to salvage the relationship? Is there potential for happiness? Are both of you willing to try relationship counseling? Do you believe, deep down, that you can ever be happy in the marriage again? If the answer is “no” to any or all of these questions, you may simply be wasting time by not taking action.

Marriage is supposed to be forever. Marriage is NOT easy. Every couple will face ups and downs. But if you are simply prolonging the inevitable, you might want to make changes in your life—for yourself. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is nothing.

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