Calling all Dads-to-be…may I have your attention? You’re about to be schooled. You may have thought impregnating your wife was the greatest gift you could ever give her, but I’m here to tell you that you’re way off. While I’m sure she’s eternally grateful for the permanent stretch marks and daily vomiting that has become her new reality, you need to know that she expects much more from you in the future. By that, I do mean you’ll be expected to change dirty diapers and wait at least six weeks until after the birth of the baby to even broach the topic of resuming your sex life with your wife. But of the utmost importance, you’ll be expected to give her a Push Present.
Let me explain. A Push Present is a rather recent phenomenon in which a doting husband (that’s you) rewards his wife with a fabulous gift for going through labor and delivery. Before you start to roll your eyes, I’d like to remind you that those mandatory six weeks before resuming sex could easily become six months if you don’t do some delivering of your own. No, I wasn’t kidding. This is serious. You better start brainstorming Buddy, because your wife assumes you know all about this and already have something breathtaking picked out to thrust into her hands before she even gets to hold little Johnny for the first time.
Now I know you’re a guy, and guys think the perfect gift to give anyone is something they’d like to receive themselves. Banish these ideas from your head immediately: season tickets for any sporting event, a toolbox, a gaming system, a fishing rod, a subscription to a car magazine, a computer component, or a case of beer. Get your wife any of these and things will become real winter-y around your house. Remember, women may forgive, but they never forget. You’ll spend the rest of your married life receiving the most stereotypical woman’ gifts imaginable from your wife as her form of revenge. Can’t do much with a mop, can you?!
Since you’re obviously clueless, let me help you out. These are just a few of the things (most) women want: a diamond necklace, a new car, a bigger house, a two-week cruise (no babies allowed), a weekend at the spa, and a nanny. Sound expensive? Well, yeah! You better pick up a part-time job while you still have a few months until your kid makes her grand entrance. If your wife gets suspicious, just tell her you need to start saving up for the baby’s college education, you liar. If you don’t feel like taking on extra work, you could always sell that old baseball card collection, or your ‘weekend’ car online. Remember, the main objective here is to keep the wife happy! That stuff never really meant that much to you, did it?
Now that you’ve saved up your pennies, you can go out and purchase the Push Present. I hope you’ve put some thought into this; you only get one chance to get it right. Avoid getting your wife a ring for this particular occasion because she might be quite bloated for some time after giving birth and you’ll just make her feel fat if you try to jam a ring onto her sausage-like finger. In that same train of thought, avoid getting her anything that has to fit onto her body since it won’t be back to normal for a while. It’s real dangerous territory to size clothing for your post-partum wife’s body. Get a size too small and she’ll think you’re disgusted with her new size. Get a size too big and she’ll just be disgusted with you.
Once you’ve purchased the Push Present, do not attempt to wrap it yourself. I know this article is replete with stereotypes, but I have yet to meet a man who’s good at wrapping presents. Ask the salesperson at the store or a female relative to wrap the gift for you. I know you’ve been brainwashed into thinking it’s what’s inside that counts, but presentation means a lot. No one wants to receive an old, crumpled gift wrapped up with duct tape. You’re only doing one thing, so do it right. Concentrate and make a memory for your wife that she’ll never forget. It can’t hurt to also fill up her memory bank with brownie points that she might cash out when you do something boneheaded in the future.
Timing is important in giving your wife her Push Present. Don’t hand it to her while the baby’s crowning or she may use it to assault you. Or perhaps she’ll throw it across the room with the speed of an MLB pitcher. Wouldn’t that be a shame? If you wait too long to give it to her, it becomes an afterthought and the meaning will be diminished. Wait until the baby is cleaned up, cord cut, and nestled at Mom’s breast. Also make sure Mom is cleaned up and not sitting in a pool of her own blood, or having stitches put in before giving her the gift. A good rule of thumb is to give it to her right before you break out the camera to take all the proud Papa pictures. She’ll be glowing in the photos anyway, but you’ll be giving her another good reason to say ‘cheese’, and you can bask in the satisfaction of doing a good job as her husband.
I’m sorry, did you think you just had to get a Push Present for the birth of your first child? You’re hilarious! With each subsequent child, the gifts better outdo the previous one. Don’t get your wife a designer handbag for the first kid, and then a gift certificate to the supermarket for the second one. Don’t think she’ll notice? Think again. Try getting her the matching luggage to coordinate with her designer handbag for the second Push Present. Then she’ll have something to pack her clothes in when you give her a European vacation for her third Push Present. Think this all sounds over the top? Just pray your wife doesn’t have twins or you’ll go broke!