One of the strangest things about human nature is how easy it is to push away the ones you love the most in life. At the same time, one of humanity’s most inherent desires is to be accepted, loved, and wanted. And yet, quite often, our behavior toward loved ones contradicts just that.
Pushing away the ones you love begins for many people in the early stages of a relationship. In the very beginning, there wasn’t a single thing you would have changed about your partner. But as the two of you get closer and you become more aware of each other’s idiosyncrasies, you begin to become less accepting. Suddenly, your actions toward them start to demand change. You begin to impress upon them your personal expectations and life experiences, forgetting that the two of you are individuals first, and a couple second. As the demands for change grow and the denial of accepting things as they are becomes more pressing, you often end up subconsciously pushing the people you love the most away.
Understanding the Root Causes of Pushing People Away
From a psychological standpoint, pushing away the people you love most is a very basic and common defense mechanism. As relationships develop, people become inundated with their own fears and insecurities, fearing they will not be accepted and therefore will be hurt by their loved one. So, the cunning, self-deprecating thing to do is to hurt them before they hurt you. Rather than allowing them to see your faults or feeling exposed, you begin to ‘expose’ theirs. Unfortunately, as you do this, you slowly but surely start throwing roadblocks into the relationship and open the door to feelings of resentment and unhappiness.
Experts believe that most people do not consciously realize they are doing this to others. Instead, they are caught in a cycle of diminished self-esteem that fuels the ego factor in their relationships. For many, the ego factor develops after negative personal experiences or from situations where they have felt victimized by others. The pain from these experiences can leave such a lasting impression that the defense mechanism is triggered almost automatically.
Additionally, the people we love most are often the ones we appreciate the least. This is true not just in romantic relationships or marriages, but in all aspects of our personal interactions. We have that one friend who has been with us through thick and thin, or our parents, siblings, grandparents (or children), who we become so accustomed to that we stop appreciating them and end up treating them poorly. You’ve probably heard the analogy about the man who opened doors for every woman he met but allowed the door to hit his wife in the face upon entering a restaurant. It wasn’t that he was intentionally disregarding her feelings, but that he had forgotten how to appreciate her. As relationships settle into routines, people often make this mistake and inadvertently push away the ones who love them the most.
Whether it’s fear, insecurities, lack of respect, or simply taking your loved ones for granted, this tendency to push people away is an important aspect of human nature to be aware of. Every day, you should ask yourself what good will come from your actions or words. As your relationship progresses and you find yourself forcing change, causing commotion, or asking the other person to be more (or less) than they were when you first met, you must ask yourself why. If you are constantly pushing people away who are beneficial in your life, try to understand which fear inside you is driving this behavior. By confronting your fears head-on and learning to be more patient and tolerant with others, you can not only be a better partner and friend, but also attract better partners and friends as well.
You must also ask yourself whether you are trying to sabotage the relationship to protect yourself. Sure, in any relationship, there will always be the potential for hurt. However, not taking the risk also prevents you from enjoying the benefits of intimacy and love. This leads back to the infamous quote: “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game!” Risks are everywhere. One of the most beneficial and rewarding risks in life is to allow people to love, accept, and want you—and to love, accept, and want them in return, with no strings attached.
For many people, looking back on the difficulties that led to the end of a relationship, it is easy to see how insignificant those issues really were. Unfortunately, far too often, the end of a relationship comes with so many events and feelings that cannot be undone after the fact. So rather than pushing people away because of fear of complacency, it is best to live fully in your relationships, cherishing every moment. This way, you won’t look back with regrets or remorse, but instead will know that you loved (and perhaps lost) passionately.
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