For many couples, seeing a counselor for the first time produces a range of emotions, including feelings of failure and even disgust. However, it’s often better to set one’s pride aside and reach out for help when the relationship is valuable, and both parties are committed to working through their problems. Some couples are distressed and walk into their first appointment with no idea of what to expect. Preparing questions for a marriage counselor can help produce results more quickly and ensure everyone is on the same page. This approach helps the counselor understand what to expect from you, and for you and your partner to know what to expect from each other, as well as from the marriage counselor.
Key Questions to Ask Your Marriage Counselor
The first step in finding a marriage counselor who can help you is identifying one who respects your lifestyle. For example, if the woman in the relationship is the primary breadwinner and the man stays home with the kids, visiting a counselor who believes that women don’t belong in the workforce or that men who stay home are shirking their responsibilities would likely create a difficult counseling relationship. One of the first questions to ask in a counseling session—before revealing a lot of personal information or presenting your viewpoints—is about the counselor’s perspectives on life. While this may seem like a broad question, it allows the couple to evaluate the counselor’s response in relation to compatibility. A professional may lead a very different lifestyle from yours, but where their belief system is grounded will help guide their counseling approach. Finding a counselor with an open, “everyone has a right to their own life” perspective may or may not be possible, depending largely on your geographical location.
Determine what you feel you need from your time in counseling. This exercise is best done separately, with your goals revealed to each other during the counseling session, especially if there’s a lot of conflict in the relationship. By presenting your goals to the counselor and asking how they intend to help you reach them, you’re clearly outlining your needs, which will help the counselor assist you effectively.
Ask the marriage counselor if they have ever recommended a divorce. Some people view it as either a positive or negative if a counselor suggests divorce. Some believe any relationship can be salvaged if both parties stick with it, while others feel that there comes a time when a relationship is no longer viable and should be amicably ended. Depending on your viewpoint and the counselor’s answer, you may feel more comfortable working with them.
Most counseling sessions are scheduled weekly; however, people in crisis don’t always experience difficult moments during office hours. Ask the counselor about their emergency policies—how available they are and where clients can turn if there’s an emotional crisis outside of regular hours. Many counselors have an answering service that can reach them in case of a dramatic crisis, while others might simply direct clients to the nearest emergency room, which isn’t always necessary.
Additional questions for a marriage counselor may include whether or not children should be involved in the counseling process. Family distress impacts everyone, and sometimes it can be beneficial for kids to express how the tension has affected them and what they believe needs to change in the household. Children can provide remarkable insight. However, many counselors focus primarily on helping the adults develop stronger communication skills and emotional resilience.
When encountering feelings of failure or guilt about reaching outside the relationship to fix it, it’s important to bring these emotions to the counselor’s attention. A good counselor can help clients find logical, reasonable solutions to these feelings. After all, what is the alternative? A couple can continuously argue, the relationship can end, or the couple can seek help to address their problems more creatively. Some couples, who already have a healthy relationship, go twice a year for a “check-in session.” These are couples who simply want to ensure their relationship remains strong and open to growth. Going to counseling doesn’t mean anyone has failed.
When preparing your questions for the marriage counselor, it’s reasonable to expect at least one solid suggestion by the end of the session. While the first session is often about getting to know each other, you’re still there with a problem, and a good counselor should offer at least one idea to help improve the situation between sessions. If the counselor doesn’t offer a suggestion, be sure to ask for one.
Going to marriage counseling indicates that both parties in the relationship are hopeful for a better tomorrow, with everyone’s needs being met. It also shows that both partners are willing to put in the effort necessary to make that true. Marriage counseling can be a very positive experience and often leads to a stronger, more satisfying relationship.
