Do you remember the time when we were school kids, sitting in the classroom, listening intently to what our teacher was saying? Then, if we didn’t understand a part of the lesson, we’d muster the courage to raise our hands, feeling nervous that the rest of the class might burst out laughing at the “stupidity” of our question.
We asked anyway. After all, the alternative was a failing mark. Asking the teacher a question and risking the mockery of our classmates was a much better option than having to awkwardly explain to mom and dad why we got such a low grade.
“I thought you liked Math,” our father would ask, his eyes piercing ours.
“Yes…but…”
Then, as you finish school, get your diploma, and start dating, your boyfriend pops the big question. But you, too, have questions of your own. Except this time, you can’t ask your teacher anymore, so you confide in your best friend.
“But I thought you loved Mark?” That’s the counter-question you get when you question the wisdom of tying the knot. “You make such a handsome couple,” some people will say. “Why the doubts now?”
Just as we were taught in school to ask the teacher questions every time something puzzled us, we also learn that marriage requires some serious self-interrogation. Love will have to take a back seat when the time of reckoning comes. A couple can’t live on love alone. Much of the passion and excitement will sizzle out at first, making you blind to the faults of your partner. But committing your life to someone requires tough questioning—tougher than a courtroom drama.
Questions to Ask Before Marriage – How Many?
Some say seven, others prefer ten, and still, others, more thorough, say twenty.
What’s important, however, is not nailing down the “magic number.” It doesn’t mean that just because you asked twenty questions and got twenty answers, your future is all mapped out. Actually, what’s more important is that you ask, period. It’s not about “how many” but more like, “Did you ask?”
So, did you ask? Are you satisfied with the answers? No? Ask again. Keep asking until you’re convinced that the answers can serve as more than adequate clues as to whether your marriage will be one of bliss or dread. Of course, you don’t always need to ask your partner directly (though certain questions do need to be asked of them). These are questions you ask yourself, while keeping a mental tally of the signs that provide hard evidence of the answers.
Here’s an example: “How often does he snore, and will his snoring bother me?” You may know that severe snoring is a disorder, and couples have even filed for divorce because one partner’s snoring turned the other into an insomniac. You may laugh and say, “Why should something as trivial as snoring get in the way when you love someone?”
Trust us on this one: severe snoring is serious. If you’re beginning to lose sleep over it, think about how a lack of sleep will affect your personality, your work performance, and your relationships with friends and family.
There are cures for snoring. If your partner refuses to have the problem addressed, think about what your bedroom will be like. It’s supposed to be a refuge from the day’s stresses, but if sleeping with your spouse feels like you’re in the jungles of Kenya, this turns into a $64 question, doesn’t it?
Here’s another example: What are my future spouse’s spending habits like? This is a topic you don’t necessarily discuss directly, but you can gather clues through careful observation. Subtly observe the following:
- Does my future spouse have a savings account and a smart financial plan? Or does my partner squander all monthly earnings without saving 5% or 10%?
- Does my partner have a retirement fund? Okay, we admit it—if you’re in your 20s or early 30s, a retirement fund may not be high on your list of priorities. But if, by your mid-30s, you still haven’t set up an RRSP (Canada) or an IRA (U.S.), think about how miserable your golden years could be. Are you just going to wait until the government pension check arrives, or will you have additional resources to enjoy the little pleasures of retirement?
- Don’t take the financial angle too lightly. Our father used to say something that stuck in our minds like glue: “Your self-confidence will not come from your good looks, skills, or personality. Self-confidence comes from having money in the bank.” While we disregarded many of his other lessons, that one stayed with us.
- “Can’t take him/her anywhere” – Do I feel embarrassed when I introduce my future spouse to my friends? Are my future spouse’s people skills acceptable, and do I feel pride when I introduce him/her?
Short of hiring a detective, there’s nothing wrong with playing detective yourself through subtle observation and mental notes. You need to give your future spouse a “screen test,” otherwise, the movie of your life together may get a B-rating. You want a marriage that’s top-tier—an A+!
Questions to Ask Before Marriage – According to the BBC and Oprah…
The BBC settled on seven key questions, which cover trust and respect, similarities in expectations, sharing common interests, agreement on major issues (like children, education, and lifestyle), conflict management (a good one, though we’re hoping no conflict arises because you’ve been well-prepared), views on infidelity and commitment, and any hidden agendas. The BBC writer says that you don’t need to agree on everything, but these topics should have been discussed to your mutual satisfaction.
Now, let’s turn to Oprah Winfrey. She recommends that twenty questions be asked. Why so stringent? We’d agree with her that the more, the better. Be safe or be sorry—that’s what it boils down to. Mind you, you’re not just deciding whether to attend a social dance or buy a necklace; you’re deciding whether or not you’re ready to make a lifetime commitment to your loved one.
The sentimental folks will likely chime in and say, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Our position? You ultimately live with your choices. Love is a wonderful feeling, and the cynics will say, “For the first three years,” but after that, how wonderful will it really be?
We won’t enumerate all twenty questions here, but we’ll pick out those we think are crucial:
- A. Money – What are our financial goals, and what timeframe do we set to achieve them? Should we file separate tax returns and maintain separate accounts? What percentage will each spouse contribute?
- For those women who will let their husbands handle the finances, please wake up and smell the coffee!
- B. Work – Are we workaholics? If we’re serious about our careers, should we postpone having children? When the children come, should we consider telecommuting jobs?
- C. Children – How many do we want? Should they attend school or be homeschooled? What’s our policy on babysitters?
- D. Friends – How often should we socialize? Should we be active members of the community? Should we contribute to community life?
- E. Spiritual Life – Should we give each other the freedom to practice our own religion? Should our children share the same religion?
You’ll also need to discuss arrangements with in-laws, annual vacations, and a joint emergency fund.
