Raising a Strong-Willed Child: Challenges and Triumphs
Call it full of spirit, stubbornness, or even spoiled behavior—it all boils down to one thing. Raising a strong-willed child presents challenges that force parents to balance encouraging their child’s independence with enforcing behavioral expectations. The issue is, parents often find themselves frustrated alongside their spirited children, leading to a spiral of angry feelings that build over time.
The strong-willed child makes his presence known early in life. These are the infants who can’t tolerate the bright lights of stores or turn beet red while waiting for a bottle to warm. As toddlers, they become experts at negotiating everything—from how many more times they can go down the slide to when they brush their teeth or go to bed. “Just one more book, and I promise I’ll go to sleep!” Yet, a mother knows that denying that “one more book” will lead to an “episode,” while reading it will confirm that her child’s demands will always be met.
While parents may not realize it, raising a strong-willed child often places them in a constant state of angst, where they fear upsetting the balance with their child. It’s easier to avoid confrontation, whatever it may entail, than to endure the aftermath.
Understanding Your Strong-Willed Child
Experts—pediatric specialists, psychologists, and even new-age schools of thought—believe that the strong-willed children we encounter at home are the leaders of tomorrow. While they understand the frustration parents often feel, they also recognize the frustration these children experience. For these children, it’s not just about getting their way. It’s about their inability to accept limits, boundaries, and to control their temper. In the grand scheme of things, the most important lesson for these children is to understand that they do have control over their emotions, and they are responsible for them.
Raising strong-willed children often involves dealing with a set of emotional cards that the child is not yet equipped to handle. Many of these children feel upset or rebellious at the slightest trigger, are extremely prideful, yet get their feelings hurt easily. They experience emotions—whether positive, neutral, or negative—at an inflated level. When they are happy and creatively empowered, they glow; when stifled, they explode. The happy medium seems to exist only when they are asleep.
After years of dealing with a child who can’t take “no” for an answer and who seems to push every button imaginable, parents often become upset. What happens next is that every time the child enforces their will, the parent is still angry from the last time—and the time before that—and all of that anger bubbles up at once. It becomes common for parents to expect the worst from their child, and as expected, they often get it.
Certainly, this is part of the child’s personality. While it may serve them well in adulthood, there are certain aspects of this behavior that must be reined in.
Being the Bigger Person
Parents must learn to be the bigger person. They need to rise above the ruckus and realize that their anger isn’t just about the current incident—it’s the culmination of frustrations over the years. In truth, the child has long since forgotten about yesterday, last month, and last year, and doesn’t fully understand the extent of mom and dad’s anger. Parents must be willing to let go, forgive, forget, and begin finding ways to reach their child so they can understand.
Strong-willed children need choices. This gives them some sense of control, while still allowing the parents to make the rules. For example, you could say, “You can either take a bath now and play a game afterward, or wait to take a bath and not play a game.” When a strong-willed child feels in control, they’re better able to manage their emotions and engage more willingly. Of course, this takes time, patience, and perseverance.
Another important aspect of raising a strong-willed child is helping them expel enough energy so they can blow off some steam. Recognizing the signals and triggers before an emotional meltdown occurs gives parents the opportunity to intervene early.
Teaching Responsibility for Behavior
When raising a strong-willed child, it’s essential to walk them through their behaviors and choices as they happen. Parents should deal with each situation fully, show their child that every action has a consequence, and then move on. These children need explanations, and the old adage of “Do as I say, not as I do” won’t work—it will only make things worse.
The Long Road Ahead
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Parents need to realize that this child will require special skills, patience, and at times, a break. It’s important for parents to know when it’s time to step away, take a time-out, and come back to the situation with a clear mind. This way, they can offer solutions and authority that don’t undermine their child’s strong sense of self.
As the child grows, they’ll begin to understand that what works at home might not be effective at school or with friends, and they will start to monitor their own behavior. However, the frustration of being denied in the classroom will leave them edgy when they get home. Knowing this, parents can try to plan activities or quality time that allows their child some independence and freedom.
Raising a strong-willed child is no easy task. However, these children will be leaders one day, and their willpower and dedication will take them to unimaginable heights—if their decision-making, independence, and spirit are nurtured. While practical, straightforward discipline practices may not work, parents can be creative and discover what works best for their child.
By staying aware of their triggers and recognizing that their child’s reactions to circumstances may not always be what they seem, parents can help them develop their personality traits into strengths. Instead of assuming that their child is acting out or being spoiled, parents should look beneath the stubborn exterior and find ways to help them communicate their true feelings with pride and honesty. These children are diamonds in the rough—often underestimated and overmedicated by society—and they need parents willing to watch them spread their wings and fly!
