Raising Twins – Advice from a Mother Who Has Twin Girls

Double the Trouble, Twice the Fun, Two Times the Love

“Double the trouble, twice the fun, two times the love” — these are all common sayings a mother hears when she’s blessed with twins. When they’re babies, it’s difficult to make it through any store or event without being stopped numerous times. People want to talk to you and ask about your twins, and then there are the others who have to tell you about how their cousin’s sister’s brother and wife have twins too. Just about everyone you meet feels comfortable taking the liberty to reach out and touch your children, which I find totally inappropriate. Luckily, by the time my twins were four months old, they would instinctively scream when strangers drew near. From the moment you become pregnant with them until they’re five or six years old, twins are quite a spectacle. While the attention is fine, it can quickly become annoying and disruptive.

The shock of finding out I was having twins was hard enough, but enduring the overly cautious medical institution was enough to drive me to insanity. I had 29 ultrasounds in total, each of which was an extensive look into every tenth of an ounce that one of the babies gained or lost during their time in utero. I have to admit, it was nice to be reassured that all was well, but being subjected to so much scrutiny while pregnant was overly stressful. By 28 weeks, I was put on bed rest for no real reason other than the fact that I was carrying naturally conceived twins. This alarmed me even more. I remember sneaking out of the house when my husband went to work just so I could breathe. My biggest fear was that my water would break inside Kmart or somewhere and he’d find out that I had left the confines of the couch.

Despite all of this, my twins were born full-term and healthy, which is what statistics show most twins are. I wanted a natural, vaginal delivery, but the three OBGYNs responsible for my care had a different plan. After 12 hours of labor, it stalled, and they proceeded with a C-section. While most women would have been given Pitocin, I was simply told that a C-section was the best option. I was disappointed, but I wasn’t brave enough to question the three sets of piercing eyes staring at me. As it turned out, the C-section was pretty painless and easy. We all came home right on time and were healthy. At first, though, it is very frustrating and worrisome to be treated as if you have some rare disease, just because you have twins.

The Challenges of Caring for Twins

After all, twins are a natural occurrence, and there’s no reason a woman can’t carry a pregnancy and deliver normally. My first piece of advice? Take control of your pregnancy. Don’t treat yourself like you’re disabled just because you’re carrying two. Sure, the risks are higher, but there’s enough sound medical knowledge these days for doctors to recognize when there’s a real problem.

Then there were two. Two babies, and I had absolutely no idea how to care for them. The lactation nurses pressured me to breastfeed, and I felt under tremendous pressure to comply. They have a way of making you feel like a negligent mother if you opt for formula. This lasted six weeks, and this dairy cow was done — done, done, done! The switch to formula not only proved to be easier and more convenient but also allowed me to enjoy the babies more. Every morning, I woke up, and along with my coffee, made 16 bottles of milk, placing them in color-coded bottles so I knew who got what. I warmed them up in the microwave (yes, it’s safe as long as you shake it thoroughly) to save time and always fed them at the same time. I perfected the method of propping them in my lap and holding their bottles for them. Burping was a bit more difficult.

Setting the Schedule

I knew as soon as I had the twins that I didn’t want to depend on anyone else for their care. You have to take the bull by the horns and figure out how to live while raising twins. This means being able to go to the store by yourself with the babies or take a shower during the day with the kids in the house. If you don’t assert yourself right away, you’ll end up with a tiring, boring, and restrictive life. In my experience, the best way to handle this is to do everything at the same time. Feed them together, bathe them together, change their diapers at the same time, play on the floor with them together, and put them to sleep at the same time. This way, when they nap, you get a break, and you aren’t spending your entire day tending to them. The other rule for making life easier with twins is to never start rocking them to sleep. I’ve never bought into the “let them cry it out” idea, so we skipped the crib and bought a queen-size bed for the twins’ room. I laid down with both of them, one in each arm, and that’s how we slept. It was a pleasant, uneventful, and great end to the day.

Since the whole family will overwhelm you with attention — especially at first — you must stand your ground and stick to the schedule that works for you. There’s nothing worse than spending a weekend with the in-laws and then coming home on Monday to crying, whining babies who’ve gotten used to being held all the time. You can’t hold twins all the time. It’s sad, but true! It would take at least three days to get them back into their routine. If you can stick to what works for you, twins really aren’t as hard as people think. I remember barricading the living room so they couldn’t leave, and that’s where we’d spend our days together. Some days, even the high chairs were brought into the living room so they could watch Teletubbies while I fed them. Keep in mind that for whatever reason, twins — especially little ones — love to watch wrestling too.

Occasionally, as they get older, their nap times will differ slightly. You’ll have plenty of time to bond with them, so don’t feel paralyzed by guilt. Bonding with twins isn’t always as immediate as with a singleton, but in time, when the rush of the situation calms down, you’ll realize all at once that you’ve bonded naturally and lovingly. Taking care of twins takes a little more planning and sometimes may feel a bit impersonal. Having one baby to hold while you cook or putting them in a sling to carry around all day is a wonderful experience, but it’s not reasonable to expect that when you have two. Ease up on your expectations. And remember, the babies don’t know the difference; they just know they’re being loved. No one told me this in the beginning, and I spent eight months fretting about whether I was doing enough. A silly thought, really, considering I was doing something for them 24 hours a day.

Taking the Twins Out of the House

As mentioned earlier, taking twins out always turned into a spectacle, fit for the circus. I would push a double stroller and pull a grocery cart, and strangers would always stop me to talk (like I had the time for that). If they didn’t stop to talk to you, you’d hear them talking about you. I had two girls, which opened up the whole can of worms about when I’d have a boy. Even worse, my twins are fraternal and look nothing alike, but still, people would ask how I told them apart. I’d always say, “One has blue eyes and blonde hair, and the other has brown eyes and brown hair,” and leave it at that. It’s exasperating, really, the ignorance of others. Your best defense when in public with infant or toddler twins is to avoid eye contact with anyone. If you make eye contact, you’ll get stopped. Move through the store, park, or wherever you are without engaging or inviting anyone to talk to you. Of course, in the beginning, you’re so proud, but trust me, it gets very annoying.

For the kids’ sake, don’t dress them alike. I know one set of twins who is in 5th grade, and they still dress the same except for wearing different color hair bows. They’re the butt of many jokes and don’t even realize it. Twins mean two, not all in one.

Regardless of how difficult it is to take them out, you need to practice doing it as soon as possible. If you stay holed up in the house like a prisoner, you’ll lose your mind, and your twins will never act right in public or make it through a dinner out. My twins were exceptional ride-alongs and even better shoppers. Never let fear stop you from taking your twins out of the house by yourself. It is possible, and it can be a lot of fun.

Growing Up Twins

Eventually, it’s time for your twins to start school. Pediatricians, teachers, and administrators will begin talking to you about grooming them for independence. Your twins will eventually become independent creatures, no matter what you or anyone else does. Trust your own judgment. My kids were separated initially because I fell to the pressure from the outside world. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and they were overly stressed and tense without each other. Once they were together again in class, things were smooth. Teachers even commented that you wouldn’t even know they were sisters, let alone twins, unless someone told you. Twins are not a disruption, and although many twins thrive apart, some thrive together. Keep an open mind and stick to your guns. Laws in my state were recently changed, stating that it’s acceptable for twins to be placed together beyond 1st grade.

One other piece of advice: When the homework starts coming, it’s much easier as a parent to keep up with one set of rules and one teacher than it is with two.

Sometimes, your children will begin to develop different interests, and we, as parents (or at least I did), tend to monopolize their choices and make them both do the same thing. One may want to play basketball, and the other may want gymnastics. We figure that since we’re going to be at the ball field anyways, they should both sign up. Big no-no! The kids will resent that and develop competition. If they both want the same thing, fine; but if they crave their own niche, allow them to have it. The other mistake I made was constantly referring to one as “the bigger one.” She was taller and bigger from birth. Now that they’re 11, I rarely tell people they’re twins because when I do, people always comment on their size. This is not optimal for an 11-year-old girl who gets used to being known as the “bigger” one. I know what people meant, but it’s harmed my daughter’s confidence over time.

I’ve learned about twins from having them. Being a twin means constantly competing on a subconscious level that most people don’t understand. They’re always watching each other, and even as babies, they devise ways to one-up each other. My girls tell me that having a twin is exhausting. Friends, family, and others have unreasonable expectations of them, and they often have a hard time finding their own friends and place in life. You think of one, you immediately think of the other. For eons, my family referred to them as “the girls” rather than by their names. By the time they were 8 or 9, they were no longer afraid to share their dissatisfaction with that, and it was easy to see how hurtful and damaging it can be to always be treated as a twin. Perhaps one of the reasons they fight so much.

I can say with certainty that I am no expert on twins. What I am is someone who has been through the mostly ups and sometimes downs of raising children. With twins, you often get two kids sick at once, two mouths to feed, two personalities to learn about, two sets of problems, twice the need for money, space, clothes, toys, and twice the stress. But you also get twice the love, two kids for one pregnancy, and a built-in best friend for your child, which makes having twins so delightful. Twins share something unique and special, and watching them grow up is a real miracle.