“Little brats, they sure don’t appreciate anything!”
How many times have you said this about your children? You know the drill: you work extra hours at your job to afford them something they really want. When you finally give it to them, they are happy and excited. But two weeks later, the iPod or the four-wheeler is sitting outside, about to get rained on. And when you ask your child to put it away, they respond with an arrogant, irritated, and disrespectful grunt that rattles you to your soul.
“How can they be so ungrateful, especially when I do so much?” you ask yourself. You remember back to your own childhood when your parents were much less concerned about your happiness, uninterested in filling your room with the latest and greatest stuff, and unwilling to cart you all over creation for softball games. Yet you wouldn’t dare have spoken to your parents the way your children speak to you. Likely, you still remember that one special Christmas present, or that one exciting vacation you took to Space Camp with your family that totally rocked your world. You remember how excited and appreciative you were. Why can’t your kids be a little more like that, you wonder?
Raising Grateful Children in a Self-Entitled World
Nearly every parent today realizes at some point that they are raising ungrateful children. The world has changed, and children have changed with it. As much as you would like to grab your kid by the hair and show them how “things used to be,” you have to take a step back and realize that, largely (and likely), it is YOUR fault! (Sorry, mom and dad). Plus, kids today are growing up in a society that is extremely self-indulgent, needy, and selfish. Very few of us—adults or children—know what it’s like to go without!
The first thing parents need to realize is that raising a grateful child is not about raising a child with manners. A child who says “please” and “thank you” is not necessarily grateful. Enter an elementary classroom, and whether it’s kindergarten or fifth grade, there will be plenty of spoiled rotten brats who say, “thank you!” Enter these same classrooms during the Christmas party, where kids anonymously exchange gifts, and you will likely hear 30 “thank yous” followed by 25 ungrateful responses about the presents they received. “But Bobby got a race car, and all I got was a stupid book!” Then, of course, mom or dad is there, wincing and pouting—completely disparaged that their child actually said that! “How ungrateful?”
Children enter this world seeing it as a personal playground. Why shouldn’t they? From the time they are born, they are put on a pedestal, and their every whim, desire, fart, sniffle, and giggle is met with empowering smiles and laughter. These same kids grow up, and one day, far too many parents just expect them to realize that others exist. Call it a work in progress or whatever you want, but learning how to be grateful takes time. It isn’t something that punishment, guilt, or reprimands can teach…because it comes from within.
As the adult in the house, it’s important to realize that complaining about your ungrateful brat isn’t going to change things. Robert Brooks, the award-winning author of Raising a Self-Disciplined Child, encourages parents to help children set expectations. For instance, if your child wants a major birthday party that seems more like an event than something appropriate for an 8-year-old, force them to pick and choose what they really want! Set parameters. For example, tell your child they can invite five people and give them a choice between two party venues. The next step is to ask them what they are willing to do to help. This isn’t the whole “If you act good, I will buy you a toy” method of encouraging grateful behavior through bribery. Instead, you are setting limits, helping your child understand that high expectations will not always be met, and giving them an opportunity to appreciate the things they do get and have. If your son wants to invite a sixth friend, try to come up with a compromise, such as: the sixth friend can come, but you won’t be doing party bags for the guests. If you constantly give in to their pleas because you feel guilty, you aren’t encouraging them to be grateful.
It is also very important for parents to be honest with their children. Okay, not so honest that you make them fearful they will lose their home or be eating potatoes for dinner every night because finances are tight, but honest about money in general. Make sure they understand how much things cost. Say, “Your mom/dad had to work five hours to buy you this bike.” This helps children realize that money certainly doesn’t grow on trees. One example to help young children understand the effects of supply and demand in the family financial situation is to use a pie. Slice off portions of the pie that go toward electricity, groceries, and give them a physical symbol of what’s left. This way, they become realistic and are able to see that there are priorities in life aside from simply fulfilling their desires. Plus, it helps them to ‘see’ that the extra piece of pie often goes toward their clothes, toys, wants, and desires.
Parents also often forget to talk about their own wants with their children. Children must understand that there are things you desire but do not have. And they also must see you indulging yourself every once in a while, even if it means your child cannot have the $350 bike they saw at Wal-Mart. When your child can feel good that mom got a new necklace or dad got the new weed eater, they learn to feel happy for other people and are less likely to remain self-absorbed—especially when they see the people they love excited or happy.
Encouraging your children to save money is another way to make them grateful. If they want something, make a deal with your child that they must earn at least half of the cost. You will be surprised how quickly children tend to reconsider their desires when the ramifications affect their own piggy bank.
More than that, however, is raising children who are empathetic toward others. For instance, if your child is balking at the “stupid book” they got in the Christmas party trade, remind them that they got a gift. And remind them that their attitude may hurt the feelings of the person who gave them the gift. Explain to them the concept that it is the thought that counts. If the behavior continues, donate the book and allow them to feel what it’s like to have nothing.
Perhaps the most important aspect of raising grateful children—and turning your ungrateful little brats into appreciative and respectful kids—is to mirror the behavior you want to see. Be grateful. When you go to get gas, be thankful that you had the $65 to fill up your tank. Try to show your kids that the simple things in life…well, they are free. Appreciate your time together and make sure you are a living example to your kids about gratefulness for both the things and the people in your life. Helping children realize that they are not the center of the universe is painstaking—especially when most parents want to make sure their child has everything they want. Unfortunately, that “everything” you want to give will leave your child with nothing in their heart if it continues unchecked.
3 Responses
Thank you, very helpful. However I’m so angry at the continued behavior my daughter gives me that I want to go in her room and throw all of her stuff in a bag and throw it out the window!!!! She’s almost 8… I have certainly made mistakes but I feel like we do a great job of showing her the value of money. She is spoiled though. I was 40 when I had her and she is an only child. I have lots of people who give her things but no real help by way of family guidance. I’m just so frustrated and broken. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have such an ungrateful child. I love her more than words can say… I waited my whole life for her. I just didn’t Think hear early years would be so tough. I expect this from teens… but jimminy Christmas… this has been way more difficult than I ever knew since day one. Feeling like a sad failure today.
I hope you’re feeling better by now, Shelby. I have a five year old son who threw a fit at Grandma’s house after she went to so much trouble to host a birthday party for him. He screamed “I didn’t want that!” at everything he opened. He was hoping for certain one toy he didn’t get. I was mortified and so sad. I wondered “what have I done that you’re so ungrateful?” It’s a sinking feeling that my husband doesn’t seem too broken up about. It’s the Mamas who carry it. I wish I could give you a hug. Keep hugging your daughter. Even when she doesn’t feel like it, at least she’ll know deep down how much you love her. She’ll stay close to you her whole life, and eventually she’ll come around to appreciate all you have done. Speaking from experience with my single Dad who raised me!
I am in the same boat, waited to have kids so I can give them everything I never had. The results: complains when I don’t deliver 100 %, blames when they don’t have latest toy or clothing doesn’t match their friends. The latest one , when I took them to gymnastic and I have cronic stomash problems /bloating , my son sais he is embarrassed that I am with them because his friend would smell the nastiness of that . And I was driving them exhausted and sick.