Men and women do not always communicate well with each other. In fact, according to linguistic experts and relationship gurus, men and women have completely different sets of rules when it comes to communication. This discrepancy can lead to a variety of relationship problems down the road. Learning to read between the lines and understanding that what your spouse says may not be what they truly mean is an important lesson when dealing with the opposite sex.
For instance:
Your co-workers invite you to go on a once-in-a-lifetime golfing excursion, which happens to be on the same day as your wife’s birthday. You ask her if she minds if you go, assuring her that you’ll be back in time to take her out to dinner for her birthday. Her response is, “Sure, I don’t care!”
That “sure, I don’t care!” response from a woman usually means the exact opposite. Women often use this phrase to avoid appearing needy or overly emotional in front of men. They expect the men in their lives to intuitively understand how they feel about certain sensitive issues. Moreover, they may interpret a man’s question about going out as a sign that he doesn’t genuinely care about her birthday. Rather than express their feelings openly and risk seeming clingy, they adopt a nonchalant attitude and bury their hurt. Rest assured, this buried emotion will resurface later, at which point the man might say, “Well, you said you didn’t care!”
Men, on the other hand, tend to take everything at face value. If a woman says she doesn’t care, he interprets that to mean she truly doesn’t mind, validating his decision to go golfing in the morning. While he likely does care about her birthday, he feels confident that he can balance golfing and celebrating without jeopardizing their relationship. Thus, his shock and dismay when she is upset on her birthday comes as a genuine surprise.
Another example involves a man telling a woman he will call her later. A woman may interpret that as meaning he will call the next day or shortly after. So when he doesn’t call for a week or two (or ever), she is understandably frustrated. For many men, saying “I will call you later” can actually mean they won’t call at all—they didn’t have a great time on the date but don’t want to hurt her feelings. In this instance, men aren’t being literal; they are opting for a safe communication strategy, something linguistic experts suggest men strive for. This approach allows them to avoid responsibility for potentially hurting a woman’s feelings. Men may also use this safe line of communication when they perceive a woman as being “emotional” by asking her why she is upset or, worse, saying, “Are you on your period?” If a woman hears either of those statements, she can be fairly certain that the man in her life thinks she has crossed the line into irrationality.
The truth is, most conversations today between men and women—whether they are coworkers, friends, or even acquaintances on social media—have devolved into political correctness. Few of us simply express what we truly mean; instead, we often search for the “right words” or the “best way” to communicate our feelings. This tendency almost always leads to communication problems, especially since human beings are prone to hearing what they want to hear in the moment rather than taking the time to read between the lines. Is there anything wrong with being straightforward? Aren’t you more likely to get what you want in life if you simply ask for it and make a habit of being direct?
If you are in a relationship, it is crucial to practice honesty at all times. It’s also important to pay attention not just to your partner’s words but also to their body language. Darting eyes, a sense of distance, crossed arms, or a lowered head can indicate that something is wrong. If you ask if something is okay, observe their eyes and face when they respond, as these non-verbal cues can reveal any underlying feelings.
Relationships are hard enough without additional complications. If something matters to you, bothers you, or if you want to express offense or insult, say so right off the bat. Instead of trying to give the answer you think your partner wants to hear, be honest and forthcoming. For example, instead of saying “I don’t care” about the golf trip, tell him that you were really hoping to spend the day together doing something romantic and fun. (Just keep in mind that he may still choose to go golfing.) At least you will have expressed your feelings, allowing your partner to decide how to respond.
This advice applies to both men and women. The bottom line is that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot read their mind, and they cannot read yours. If you want them to understand how you feel, you must be true to yourself and communicate openly.
