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Regret! There is nothing worse than living with the nagging feeling that when you reached a fork in the road, you turned the wrong way. We all feel regret for something we did in our past and wonder how things would have been had we made different choices. Unfortunately, regret can morph into a mountain of guilt and pain that stifles our future. If you’re considering reconciliation in a marriage, avoiding regret should be at the top of your list.
In other words, it’s crucial to be sure that a marriage is truly over before giving up. If there’s a glimmer of hope, a spark of love, or a smidgen of belief that your future with your partner can be salvaged, then it’s worth trying to reconcile. This doesn’t guarantee success, but it ensures you leave the marriage knowing you did everything in your power and heart to make things right. Since marriage involves two people, your efforts may be in vain, but at least you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering, “What if?”
If a marriage is ending due to one impulsive act, like an affair or a single argument, it’s worth reevaluating the situation. The people we love most often have the ability to hurt us deeply and make us extremely angry. In those moments, it’s easy to act irrationally and make decisions that don’t reflect our true feelings. When marriages end abruptly due to anger, they can usually be saved. Your feelings in that moment may not represent how you will feel in a few months. Take the time to reconcile—not necessarily right away, but avoid making definitive decisions in the heat of the moment.
Whenever a couple has children, every effort should be made to save the marriage. Kids can motivate parents to look past common marital strife and strive for resolution. However, if abuse is involved, it’s always better to leave. Domestic violence is a cycle that cannot be counseled away and can never be taken back.
Let’s be real for a moment. When people get married, they often hold misconceptions about what their life together will be like. The relationship at the moment of marriage is much like a baby—it’s only a shell of what is to come. People marry without having essential conversations and without truly knowing what to expect from each other. Sure, we’ve witnessed various married couples, like parents and relatives, and may think we understand how marriage works. But we don’t. We are completely unaware of what it’s like to wake up and go to sleep with the same person night after night for eternity. We don’t fully understand the crucial personality traits and moral definitions that each of us harbors until we feel safe enough to reveal them.
Having children, pets, managing finances, making decisions about parenting, intertwining families, traditions, and religions—all these factors can cause arguments and moments of doubt about why we married in the first place. The best relationships evolve after marriage. Once we say “I do,” we enter a new phase of expectations about gender roles and household responsibilities, which can lead to conflicts over tasks like taking out the trash or doing the laundry. Often, we may not even know why we are fighting, as much of who we are is influenced by how we were raised. Many of these issues only arise once we become married.
It’s interesting that people often think of marriage as “settling down” when, in fact, it’s just the beginning of forward momentum. Once we say “I do,” we’re already caught in a snowball effect, rolling downhill and picking up snow—some good, some bad, and some baffling. At the bottom lies a flat expanse, comfortable yet sometimes boring. There isn’t enough excitement to make a snowman or ski, but it isn’t slushy and gray, either. This is where you want to be someday.
Any marriage that lasts requires both partners to be willing to face disappointments, let go of unrealistic expectations, and find reasons to reconcile. It’s essential to realize that it isn’t necessarily your partner who is negative or irritating; it’s often the unrealistic expectations you’ve built in your mind. Let go of those expectations. Use your heart as a guide. Reconcile and live without regret, and you may discover a new, deeper kind of love—one that feels like friendship but is even more fulfilling.
