If you’ve ever gone through a separation, you know how painful divorce can be. I’ve heard counselors say that it takes one year of recovery for every five years you lived with a partner. This might sound like a long time, but by fully understanding the necessary process, you’ll realize that this time is important.
During a divorce, several illusions can blind you. These illusions hinder the recovery process and minimize your chances of healing more quickly. To recover properly, you must recognize and overcome these illusions to survive the grieving process.
Here are some common illusions:
- It’s my fault: You may believe that the divorce is entirely your fault, leading to feelings of guilt and responsibility. But as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so you’re not alone in this recovery process—many people have faced similar situations and have come out fine.
- It’s not a big deal: Living in denial will prevent you from overcoming the emotional pain. While recovery from divorce is possible, you must confront the pain to heal. Your entire life changes—your finances, family structure, friendships, and emotional health.
- There are no hard feelings: You and your spouse may decide not to hold a grudge, but that isn’t realistic. It’s impossible to avoid feelings of anger, guilt, sadness, and depression after breaking up with someone you loved.
- I’ll never love again: When your spouse stops loving you, it may feel like you’ll never be loved again, but that’s not true. Just because one relationship ended badly doesn’t mean you won’t find another that works well.
- I won’t be able to trust again: If your relationship ended due to adultery, you might feel betrayed and abandoned. These feelings can make you cautious in future relationships. However, while you should be careful, you’ll also experience relief when you find someone you can trust—and you will find those people.
- I can’t be happy alone: If you’re living in a constant state of depression, you’re not ready for another relationship. By finding happiness within yourself and valuing your life, you’ll create a positive energy that will be attractive to others. You can’t enter a relationship expecting someone else to fulfill you completely—it’s a two-way street.
- I must be going crazy: During a separation, you’ll experience emotions that may be unfamiliar to you. Don’t dismiss these feelings as meaningless. You’re going through a challenging time, and it’s important to address your emotions.
As you can see, these illusions are created by choice. People often either downplay the divorce or make it more painful than necessary. While recovering from divorce is possible, you need to understand the process rather than trick yourself into preparing for something else. Illusions will only hold you back from reaching your full potential.
So, what is divorce? Divorce is a separation between two people who were married. It is not a separation from happiness, nor is it a separation from everyone who loves you. It is also not a permanent separation from having a romantic relationship.
However, divorce does bring about painful feelings, and the losses play a significant role in your state of mind. When you lose your partner, you must separate from the life you once had and find a new lifestyle that brings you happiness. You may miss the routine of having someone cook for you or mow the lawn. You might feel empty and alone, but remember that this is a temporary stage in the recovery process.
Recovering from divorce typically involves four major phases: denial, depression, withdrawal, and recovery. As you navigate these stages, take comfort in knowing that many people have experienced separation before you. In fact, many individuals are likely going through it right now.
When you find yourself in these stages, feeling depressed and alone, you might think you’ll never escape your emotions. But things will get better.
Melvin Belli and Mel Krantzler, in their book “Divorcing,” suggest that the mourning stages can last around two years, though the process can be shorter or longer. If you and your spouse were separated or sleeping in separate rooms before the divorce, your recovery process may have already begun. However, if you’re still in denial and refusing to face the facts, your recovery may take longer.
There are no certainties about how you will handle divorce. Every relationship is different and carries its own implications and uncertainties. However, even though your divorce is unique to you, you will still experience emotions similar to those others have felt.
By recognizing that many people not only survive divorce but thrive afterward, you can gain confidence in your ability to live happily as well. By discovering what makes you happy and gradually working through the pain, you will not only recover from your divorce but also create a new, fulfilling life filled with happiness.
