Recovering from infidelity is not easy. It’s important to recognize that this struggle is not uncommon in marriages. According to recent statistics, up to half of all marriages will face infidelity, and these figures only account for those instances that have been discovered. Infidelity is responsible for around two-thirds of all divorces. The emotional toll is significant, encompassing feelings of anger, sadness, and insecurity, which can leave many couples unable to move past that moment. For those who do recover, the marriage can become stronger, but it requires substantial personal and relational work.
One of the most challenging aspects of recovering from infidelity is that the person your spouse cheats with is often someone they see frequently, sometimes even every day. For a marriage to heal, all ties with this individual must be severed. This may involve changing jobs, moving, or cutting ties with friends or family who were involved in the cheating. Many couples struggle to devise an action plan that facilitates this complete break, yet it is essential for recovery.
The next difficult step in healing is finding a level playing field to rebuild the relationship. Often, the cheater is seen as the perpetrator, while the other spouse assumes the role of the victim. This dynamic can trap both individuals in their roles, where any minor action from the cheater rekindles anger and resentment over the infidelity. The victim may start to embrace their role, using it to impose guilt. While the person who cheats should feel remorse, genuine recovery requires moving beyond these roles to enable open communication.
Counseling can be a helpful way to transcend these roles. A professional can mediate conversations, allowing both partners to discuss what went wrong and explore potential solutions rather than fixating on the act itself. Avoid using children, friends, or family as mediators, as they may not be able to maintain neutrality. If you genuinely want to work things out in the long run, consulting a professional can help you re-establish communication.
Blame is another barrier to recovering from infidelity. It’s human nature to want to assign blame when something goes wrong. Instead of viewing cheating as a betrayal, consider it a choice. Many people make excuses, saying things like, “She drove him to cheat,” or “If he had been more attentive, she wouldn’t have sought comfort elsewhere.” While issues may exist in the relationship, they often stem from communication breakdowns. Couples must talk openly and feel comfortable sharing their feelings, regardless of their nature. Casting blame is ultimately futile.
Another essential step in recovery is to spend time apart—literally. This separation allows each partner to reflect on what transpired and make thoughtful decisions. There is a grieving process involved when dealing with infidelity, as it entails a loss of trust, ideals, and future dreams. While the affair can serve as an eye-opener, it needs to be processed individually before the couple can address it together. There is no set timeline for this separation, nor is there a right or wrong way to do it. Allow yourself to feel and work through your emotions before trying to reconcile them with someone else’s feelings. Regardless of your role in the relationship, both partners will need to engage in soul-searching.
Last but not least, take a personal inventory. Some people may never be able to move past or forgive infidelity. If you recognize that you are one of these individuals, it may be best to let the relationship go. While this may sound harsh, staying with someone who consistently angers you ultimately punishes both you and your partner. Life is too short to live in such a way.
The worst thing you can do when trying to recover from infidelity is to ignore it. In households with children, couples may try to pretend everything is okay for the kids’ sake or to avoid judgment from others. Remember, your life and happiness are too important to overlook something that will continue to loom over you. Use the experience of infidelity to inspire positive changes in your life and relationship rather than succumb to negativity. Infidelity happens, but with hard work and dedication, it is possible to move past it.
