We pulled a book from the shelf entitled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Its last publication date was 1999, nearly seven years ago. The pages have yellowed, and the book’s condition shows that countless eager fingers have turned its pages, perhaps too quickly and too often.
Were these readers desperate souls? Were they looking for answers about why their marriages were in need of a tune-up—or even a major overhaul? Were they searching for that one miracle tip to whip their marriages back into shape?
Speaking of shape, Dr. John Gottman, the book’s author and widely regarded as the “country’s foremost relationship expert,” wrote these words in the final pages:
“Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.”
Hmm. If you didn’t read between the lines, you might think he was advocating for giving up on the exercise and fitness routines that so many men and women are frantically trying to maintain, especially if they’ve let their physical appearance slip. But that really shouldn’t be the case. We all know that how we look matters a lot. We won’t be hypocrites and claim that how one looks has little or no effect on keeping the flames of love burning. If you let go of your body, your mind will eventually follow.
You wonder why.
How does this minimalist answer strike you? If you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you develop self-confidence. Confident spouses are attractive because they radiate happiness and contentment.
No answer could be simpler than that.
Now, let’s explore how to bring the words torrid and passionate back into the frigid zone. We’re not just talking about physical desires, mind you.
Tip #1 – If Looks Could Kill
Returning to Dr. Gottman’s principle, we’re confident that he would feel guilty if he told couples to stop working out at the gym or engaging in their favorite marathons, all in an effort to focus solely on their marriage with minimal distractions. We’re certain he didn’t mean it that way. As a relationships expert who understands human frailties, he knows that looking good is an added bonus for any marriage.
How would you feel if you saw your wife dressed in her old, faded, food-stained sweatpants 24/7? You might start wondering what happened to the woman with the sexy figure you married years ago—the one who loved to tease you with suggestive lingerie.
How would you feel if you saw your husband slouched on the sofa, glued to the TV, his belly larger than the rest of his body, punishing his liver with beer after beer?
Here’s your first tip: Get into shape and stay physically alluring so that desire doesn’t melt away. Remember the courtship and seduction phase of a blossoming relationship? The degree of physical attraction between partners played a major role. Why should that change once you’re married and facing the inevitable rocky moments?
Tip #2 – The Marital Poop Detector
Here’s another idea from Dr. Gottman. It’s related to expectations. The common advice is to lower your expectations for yourself and your spouse, suggesting that fewer expectations lead to less frustration.
However, Dr. Gottman references a principle promoted by Dr. Donald Baucom of the University of North Carolina: Contrary to popular belief, “people with the highest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. By holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want than by letting things slide.”
Dr. Gottman, in his studies of couples, discovered that those who adapted to high levels of negativity in their marriages were less happy and less satisfied over time. However, those who refused to tolerate negativity and confronted each other in a gentle manner ended up happier and more satisfied years later.
This leads us to the conclusion that every marriage, in Dr. Gottman’s words, “ought to be equipped with a built-in early warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in danger of deteriorating.” He calls this system the Marital Poop Detector—a way of recognizing when something just doesn’t smell right! (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999).
Tip #3 – Instead of Taking the Exit, Take a Detour
With the high divorce rate in the western world, many married people consider divorce the only logical solution when their marriage goes off course. There’s a good reason why many view marriage as an institution—one worth defending and fighting for. Institutions are meant to withstand the test of time.
Divorce seems like an easy way out for couples who are disconnected, and it’s a shame—especially when children are involved. It’s the weak side of human nature that seeks divorce as the answer to domestic hiccups, much like grabbing a bottle of aspirin for a headache or tossing out a towel when its threads start to fray. It’s not the headache that’s the real problem—we need to examine the underlying causes of the pain. And why throw out a towel when it can be recycled and put to good use?
Instead of considering divorce, think about seeking a marriage therapist or attending marriage retreats as a last-ditch effort. This opens the door to new opportunities. The best opportunity is to stand by the institution of marriage with pride and reinforce it with all the energy you can muster.
Many couples who have explored marriage retreats say they are grateful for the experience. They now see their relationships in a new light, rediscovering aspects of their loved one they hadn’t noticed before.
All because they decided to take a detour instead of heading straight for the exit.
Tip #4 – C’mon, Say the Three Magic Words
Wife: I know you love Swedish meatballs and admire Tiger Woods’ swing, but I often wonder—do you love me?
Husband: (glancing at her, slightly annoyed that he had to tear his eyes away from the TV) I married you, didn’t I?
Ouch. Ouch again.
We’ve read that if someone can’t say “I love you,” they probably don’t—or perhaps they’ve stopped loving you.
It’s unfortunate that some of us fail to appreciate the magic that happens when these three simple words are spoken at the moment when our partner needs to hear them most. A little tenderness goes a long way. Yes, whether male or female, those three words are like a soothing balm for weary souls. Rain turns into sunshine; poems become melodies and songs.
I love you.
Sparks fly when those words are spoken by someone special. They’re the shortcut to rekindling a marriage.
You don’t need high-powered tools or how-to manuals to reignite a relationship. Perhaps the best antidote to a sagging marriage is simply overcoming our timidity and being less tongue-tied when it comes to whispering sweet nothings.
Tip #5 – Champagne Goes Well with Scintillating Conversation
Is it absolutely necessary to buy an expensive bottle of Cristal Brut? Goodness, you don’t even need champagne. A great conversation can get you just as tipsy. Sparkling conversation has a way of making you feel light-headed with a hundred and one tingling sensations—especially if your partner has mastered the art of engaging in witty banter.
Smart, intelligent people exude natural charm because they sound interesting and well-informed. Wouldn’t it be a treat if people continued to talk the way they did on their first dates—sharp, engaging, and well-versed? If looks could kill, good conversation would seal the deal.
You enjoy listening to someone who speaks passionately about their interests and hobbies, not someone who constantly talks about the price tag of a Gucci watch on sale at Macy’s, or gossips about people you don’t even know.
If your significant other becomes a bore at the dinner table, it won’t be long before your marriage makes you yawn. We all know what a marriage feels like when it lacks intellectual stimulation. The sex may be great, but even that can’t hold a marriage together in the long run.
Show curiosity. Be interested. Savor the little pleasures in life. Work on your conversation skills so that the other person returns the compliment.
