Runaway Brides: Why They Run and How to Avoid It
If you went on Amazon and typed the words “runaway bride” under the book category, do you know how many results you’d get? About 500! Someone once told us that romance writers like to use “runaway bride” as a title for their books, and we thought she was kidding. But we’ve got the proof straight from the largest online book retailer—500 romance novels on runaway brides. Hard to believe, right?
We’re not 100% sure if Julia Roberts and Richard Gere inspired a whole generation of romance novelists or if it was Jennifer Wilbanks, who caused a stir by saying she had been kidnapped, only to reappear days later saying it was more like a case of cold feet. Boy, her cold feet sure left millions of hearts cold. It makes you wonder why runaway brides (or “almost brides” as they’re fondly called) would not show up on their wedding day and keep the priest waiting (of all people).
Kidding aside, it’s one thing to call off an engagement or a wedding weeks before, but to actually run away on your wedding day could convert a decent man into a stark mad murderer. We’d grant him parole if we had our way. Because really, how much can you hurt another human being?
Why They Run Away
Marriage counselors cite a few reasons for this phenomenon. One reason is that the woman felt tremendous pressure before the wedding because she was not allowed to have a wedding she could personally orchestrate herself. There was too much interference from well-meaning family and friends. We’ll throw in the future in-laws for that matter.
Another reason is that runaway brides realize they were so busy enjoying each other’s company that they never really discussed what kind of future they were going to have. The lack of planning for an entire lifetime stands out as a justification for the desire to back out at the last minute. This could be fueled by the fact that runaway brides feel they don’t know their future husbands very well, either because they’ve been secretive about things like their past and family, or because the bride assumed everything added up but didn’t. The thought of marrying a complete stranger is enough to make her NOT want to put on the wedding dress and take the trip to the church.
Another reason is a lack of self-confidence about being a good wife or lifetime partner and the fear of divorce. Some runaway brides have seen the pain and hurt resulting from their friends’ divorces, and they’re afraid of going through the same experience.
And, of course, a perfect reason for running away: their future husband is a tyrant and prone to physical violence. Our mother used to say, if a man ever hits you—even just once—walk out of the relationship or you’ll be sorry.
Runaway Brides – Support Mechanisms or Behavioral Conduct
Husband-and-wife team Bob and Sheri Stritof say there are some ways women about to be married can avoid becoming runaway brides. One way is to think of marriage as the strong foundation for a life together. Instead of focusing on the negative and the “what-ifs,” brides should use the wedding planning period as a time for reflection and honest communication.
A wedding is a very personal matter, so make it clear to your parents, friends, and relatives that your wedding should be the outcome of your own ideas, not theirs. There’s always a diplomatic way of saying “back off.” The dictionary has plenty of words and sentences to replace “mind your own business.”
If doubts begin to crowd your mind about the viability of your marriage—if you’ve discovered some quirks in his personality or have personal issues that remain unresolved—calling off the wedding a few weeks before or postponing it to a later date is a much better idea than running away on D-day itself.
Remember, the intensity of hurt and frustration is felt more when brides run away on the wedding date. If you’re unsure whether the union is a good move, engage the attention and support of your fiancé and tell him weeks or months before the wedding why you can’t go through with it. This way, you’re doing the decent thing, and you’re not committing a cowardly act like running away.
A USA Today report quoted Scott Stanley from the Center for Family and Marital Studies at the University of Denver. Stanley said there are three types of sentiments that run through a bride’s mind weeks or days before her wedding day. One thought is “I’m not ready for marriage,” another is “I’m not ready to marry YOU,” and the third is “this wedding’s freaking me out.” Stanley explains that sometimes it’s not one’s personal issues or issues with the fiancé that are to blame—it’s the pressure of the event itself.
The true-life story of Jennifer Wilbanks, Georgia’s famous runaway bride, was supposed to be a large wedding with 600 invited guests. There were 14 bridesmaids and 14 groomsmen. Her husband-to-be was John Mason, and both came from prominent families.
Another professor, David Olson of the University of Minnesota, says that big weddings tend to generate stress and tension for everyone—not just brides, although brides feel it more. He says that the three months before a wedding are often frenzy moments. There’s too much focus on ceremony and reception details, and not enough focus on the relationship itself. Somewhere along the line, amidst the hoopla of invitations, rehearsals, dinners, counseling sessions, and wedding cakes, the mind snaps. What happens? Cold… very cold feet.
Olson admits he didn’t know what Wilbanks was thinking. Her escape plan merits no sympathy from him. If all she needed was more time, why didn’t she speak up? Obviously, she seemed to be the only one who needed more time, he said.
Writer Mary Shormo believes that Jennifer Wilbanks may have been suffering from Graves’ disease, because she exhibited all the classic symptoms. From the looks of it, Shormo says, Wilbanks needed a medical check-up.
As for the gifts, we’re not entirely sure how this issue should be resolved. Common sense, however, dictates that all gifts received for the wedding should be returned to the givers. The reason there are gifts is that there was supposed to be a wedding. Now that there’s no wedding, there are technically no gifts.
Return to sender…
3 Responses
What you’ve left out is fear of abandonment that is an outcome of an absent father or otherwise emotionally unavailable parents. Lack of trust would be more likely than “more romantic options” or “fear of not being a good wife” which are superficial in comparison.
A lot of very brainless worthless and clueless women aren’t marriage material at all to begin with since most of these very pathetic women have a lot of mental issues in the first place. It was just too very bad that many of us single guys never saw the warning signs on these type of women which it would’ve certainly saved us a lot of trouble as well. Been there.
Wow- you are ABSOLUTELY wounded Sir Bitterman! You have made a blanket statement because the female YOU chosed was not ready to marry you a or you ignored or missed the obvious signs! Feel better & heal in time! Maybe therphy even.