Remember that gaudy, skirted bathing suit your mother used to wear? The one that made you cringe and want to sit miles away from her at the pool or beach? The one you swore you’d never wear? She’d tell you how the lines or stitching at the bust and blousy middle section made her look thinner, and you’d think, “Yeah, right.” Funny how now you’re probably wearing something similar. Visit any family resort seashore, and you’ll notice a trend: moms are wearing bathing suits designed to cover up, a far cry from the skimpy ones they bought a few years ago to maximize their tan. Saggy boobs and stretch marks—thank the kids for those. You might want to complain to your own mom about the demise of your post-baby body, but don’t expect much sympathy. After all, what goes around comes around.
It doesn’t matter if you gained 20 pounds or 55 during pregnancy, or if you can slide back into your pre-pregnancy jeans. Your body changes. Bulging, milk-filled breasts and hormones leave stretch marks that tank tops can’t hide, making it impossible to deny you’re a mother. Your feet grow—possibly the most absurd change, especially if you have a closet full of great shoes or boots. Even if your jeans fit, your body has shifted, and you’ve likely gained a muffin top that exercise can’t seem to erase. If you had a C-section, accept that the doctor cut your muscles in two, making recovery nearly impossible. A nice push present like liposuction might have been a game-changer while you were already under the epidural.
The Hidden Changes
Many women experience changes they don’t talk about—ones that aren’t visible but show up every time you sneeze. Bladder problems are common, with some women needing surgery to tack organs back in place after carrying a baby. Other “down there” issues, like recovering from an episiotomy, can make you feel elderly. And let’s not forget the hemorrhoids—a pregnancy gift that may never fully heal, forcing you to stock up on more Preparation H than an old man on Metamucil. These are the wicked changes no one warns you about: peeing yourself, sore vaginas that never feel normal, and battle scars from incisions and stitches in places no one should be sewn. Worst of all, most men don’t want to hear about these issues and offer little sympathy. Imagine if it happened to them?
One of the few benefits of pregnancy is your hair and nails. Prenatal vitamins likely made your hair thick and lush, though graying because your OB-GYN wouldn’t let you color it. But the ugly truth? Within weeks of giving birth, your hair will start to fall out and thin again. Postpartum hormones seem determined to punish you, stripping away even the gains. At least you can now color it, perhaps finding a shade that complements the brown or red patches on your face, arms, or chest. Don’t bother with a dermatologist unless you can afford elective treatments—those spots are here to stay. If you have another baby, you might hope the spots merge to make you look tan, but they probably won’t. The one small mercy? That silly brown stripe down your stomach will fade. If it’s been a few weeks and it’s still there, a little baby oil should help rub it off. Be grateful for small blessings.
Hormones also bring more cellulite. Even thin women who shrink back to their pre-pregnancy size are left with tufts of cellulite on their butts and thighs as a battle scar of pregnancy. Once you have cellulite, it’s permanent, no matter how hard you try. Creams and lotions may mask it, but the minute you eat a donut, it puffs back up with fat and cholesterol.
In a perfect world, you could look at your baby and not give a second thought to what that little angel did to your body. But we don’t live in a perfect world. When they’re colicky or a preteen teasing you about your skirted swimsuit, you’ll blame them for ruining your body forever. You’ll pull out old photos, showing them how hot you were before they came along, cursing the wickedness of Eve for all the havoc she caused. You’ll also feel revolted that men carry no physical proof of pregnancy or childbirth, walking around unscathed. Completely unfair! Yet, these battle scars and bruises transform women into mothers. If we can handle them, we can certainly handle a back-talking teen who thinks she can sneak out with her boyfriend unnoticed. Maybe the punishment should be making her watch the gory video of her birth, showing every detail of what results from sex. Or you could just wear the skirted swimsuit with pride.
