If you are newly engaged or newly married, this article may come as a shock to you. According to statistics from reputable agencies such as the United States Census Bureau, marriage rarely lasts forever. Saying “I Do” does not mean forever, but only about 20.8 years (and that’s if you are REALLY lucky!).
Meanwhile, the wedding industry is making billions of dollars planning extravagant weddings for people who might not even make it to the 20-year mark as a married couple. While it’s all fresh, new, and in the planning stages, weddings and marriage can be likened to a Cinderella story. Many people ignore the facts and figures about marriage and believe their relationship is the exception, that somehow, they have the antidote to divorce. So, men and women walk into marriage blindly, only to be blindsided by failure years later.
This isn’t to suggest that you shouldn’t get married or that marriage, as a whole, is a farce. Instead, this is a reality check designed to help you realize that marriage isn’t the glitz, glamour, and fairy tale that most people think it is. As of 2009, 56% of first-time marriages ended in divorce within 20 years. Additionally, 33% of marriages don’t make it to the first decade. There are also interesting findings suggesting that cultural differences and upbringing play a massive role in how likely a marriage is to survive. According to the US Census Bureau, Hispanic and Chinese men and women tend to stay married longer than their American and Canadian counterparts. Experts believe that North American culture is adopting a disposable lifestyle that now includes marriage. To put it bluntly, when people aren’t happy, they simply excuse themselves from the marital table and walk away rather than working through the issues.
Now that we’ve cleared up the formalities and statistics on marriage, it’s time to discuss another interesting fact: the cost of weddings! According to the website “Cost of Weddings,” “US couples spend $25,631 on their wedding. However, the majority of couples spend between $19,223 and $32,039. This does not include the cost of a honeymoon.” When compared to the cost of a home or a college education—both of which offer lifelong benefits—it seems that society has gone crazy when it comes to wedding planning. Is it really worth this much?
For a sane person—not one who is caught up in love hormones and idealized notions of ‘happily ever after’—spending this kind of money on a wedding is downright absurd. In fact, it would make more sense to save that money and those frivolous wedding expenditures for later, after you reach the estimated 20.8 years of marriage. After all, achieving a marital milestone that is celebrated by less than half of society is something to be excited about. But investing this much money into a wedding? Worse still, many couples finance these extravagant weddings, as it’s becoming normal for them to take out loans to cover the costs of the nuptials. When you weigh the long-term payout, it’s downright insane on many levels.
Buying Into the Myths of Marriage
According to Victoria Fleming, PhD, author of the bestselling book, You Complete Me and Other Myths About Marriage, too many people have bought into the common myths surrounding marriage. They are often socially obligated and pressured to marry as a rite of passage into adulthood—sometimes before they’ve truly experienced adulthood for themselves. In her book, Fleming reveals the top 10 myths of marriage and encourages couples entering marriage (or struggling in one) to ask themselves if any of these myths apply to them. Idealistic thoughts like “marriage will change someone,” “we’ll be happy once we get married,” “love will keep us together,” or that another person “completes” them are misguided reasons to get married and often lead to divorce. Believing that you are marrying the “perfect person” or that having children will “make the marriage a family” are false, socially pushed pretenses that cause problems within marriages. In her marriage counseling practice, Fleming estimates that over 80% of her clients admit to having preconceived notions about marriage that fall short of the reality.
The bottom line is that marriage is a lot of work. You should be excited about getting married, and you should invest your time, effort, and even some money into your future. But going into marriage with false expectations about what life will be like is a big mistake. Instead of spending so much money on the wedding, consider spending it on couples counseling, retreats, and other resources that will truly strengthen your marriage and increase its chances of lasting longer than the average 20.8 years.
