Parents Today: Why Saying “No” is Crucial for Both You and Your Kids
Parents today are constantly complaining that they don’t have enough time to take care of everything that needs to be done. Between running their children to school, signing them up for extracurricular activities, and managing their own schedules, time slips away quickly. On top of that, parents often express frustration that their children are spoiled and expect too much.
But how much of this is due to parents’ inability to say “NO” to their kids? How much of the hustle and bustle—the overwhelming feelings and constant demands—are actually caused by the parents themselves?
It turns out that saying “NO” to children is not an easy task. Experts suggest that with more children coming from two-parent working households, and spending time in daycare or after-school care, many parents feel guilty. They try to relieve this guilt by accommodating every whim and request from their children. And, of course, kids are quick to catch on to this behavior at a very young age.
The Consequences of Not Setting Boundaries
According to parenting experts, children who manipulate, whine, or complain until they get their way are simply acting on learned behavior. They learned that throwing a tantrum in the checkout line would result in a candy bar just to calm them down. They learned that pouting or acting sad will change their parents’ minds. So, as they get older, it’s only natural for them to continue using guilt or other tactics to get what they want.
You’re not the first parent to feel that saying “NO” will result in your child being an outcast at school, or to give in to pressures from your child to do or buy things. And yet, deep down, you know this is not the truth.
Sadly, not setting limits or being assertive with your child is a cycle that will only worsen over time. If your child wants to join a travel hockey team or sign up for the drama club—and you know you don’t have the time or resources—it’s important to simply say “NO” and teach your child to accept it. Similarly, if your child wants an iPhone just because “everyone else at school has one,” and you don’t believe it’s the right decision, say “NO!”
The key is that you don’t need to explain yourself. As the parent, you are the authority, and your child is the one who needs to learn respect for limits.
The natural course of parenthood is to try to provide the best opportunities for our children. But many parents fear that saying “NO” will lead to their child not liking them or will cause long-term negative effects. However, experts disagree. In fact, children who grow up with clear boundaries and limits tend to be adults who are more independent, who don’t take things for granted, and who work harder to achieve their goals, according to a study from Psychology Today.
As a parent, it’s important to ask yourself why it’s so difficult to say “NO” to your children. If you’re honest, you’ll realize that it’s often easier to say “YES” to avoid the pouting, manipulation, or negative behavior that follows when they don’t get their way. In other words, you say “YES” because it’s easier in the moment—even though it might cost you more time, money, and sanity in the long run. Additionally, parents today face their own peer pressures. When your child’s best friend is getting or doing things your child isn’t, it’s easy to feel like you’re not providing enough for your child.
Today’s parents are overwhelmed with an endless list of things they “should” be doing to be the best parents possible. Too often, these “shoulds” come from adopting another family’s values instead of trusting your own.
The best thing you can do for your child is to follow through with your own vision of what’s valuable and important for your family. If your child grows up understanding that there are limits and that “NO” truly means “NO,” you are teaching them valuable life lessons. Moreover, if you give in to peer pressure and base your decisions on what other parents are doing, what kind of example are you setting for your child when they themselves are faced with peer pressure?
Keeping up with the Joneses is a trait passed down from parent to child, and it sets your child up for a life of comparison and the pursuit of external validation, rather than finding contentment and happiness within themselves.
As a parent, it’s crucial to decide what is best for your family and your child. This doesn’t mean you can’t discuss or compromise on certain things, but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your free time, your finances, or your peace of mind just to accommodate every fleeting want of your children. Additionally, try to teach your child the difference between “needs” and “wants”—and between happiness and instant gratification. One of the most important life lessons we can pass down to our children is how to be happy without contingencies. True happiness comes from within, from knowing that they are loved and supported, regardless of material things.
Next time you feel the pressure to cave, remember: saying “NO” to your child will not be the end of the world. Your time, values, money, and opinions are just as important—if not more so—than your child’s.
