Wow, this is a new one. You’re probably used to scheduling dinner dates, vacations, and other important events in your life. But scheduling sex with your spouse? Is that really necessary? And, even more importantly, is it okay?
The answers to these questions are pretty clear when you look at the sexual dynamics in most marriages. According to The New York Times, married couples have sex with their partners an average of 58 times per year—just a little more than once a week. Some estimates say this number is on the high end, as couples surveyed may have lied to save face. The most sexually active married couples are under 30, who report having sex about 111 times per year. However, many happily married couples admit to not having sex for months or even years. In fact, 15% of marriages report going six months or more without any sexual encounters. This may not be new information for married people, as many know that sex tends to decline after the “I dos.” What you might not know is that new research indicates that when sex leaves the marriage, trouble is on the horizon.
Why Scheduling Sex Can Improve Your Marriage
For most couples, sex just fades away. This suggests that scheduling sex with your spouse might be a way to keep it at the forefront of your marriage. The truth is, when your parents prepared you for marriage, they weren’t disclosing their own sexual habits. As society has become more open, it’s clear that a lack of sex can negatively impact intimacy. There are many valid reasons for this, but the end result is a disconnect that can make it difficult to reconnect under the sheets. The longer you go without sex, the harder it is to bridge the gap.
A University of Georgia study found that couples in sexless marriages aren’t as happy as those who are more intimate. The study showed that people in sexless marriages often think about both infidelity and divorce more frequently. Even more troubling is that the hump of not having sex—whether caused by childbirth, illness, or other reasons—can be very difficult (if not impossible) for many couples to move past. In order to do so, couples must take a proactive and ambitious approach to make changes. Score another point for scheduling sex with your partner.
When couples stop being intimate for any reason, both partners often feel unspoken rejection. They may interpret this as a lack of desire or think their spouse no longer finds them attractive. For many couples, the decline in sex comes after infidelity or the arrival of children. The reasons are obvious. Yet, when a couple goes without intimacy for six months or more, resentment and rejection are bound to build. Because couples feel insecure about the lack of sex, it can be difficult to talk about it. They get stuck in a cycle, each waiting for the other to initiate.
Scheduling sex with your partner can put an end to this. The bottom line is that couples need to be honest and upfront about how much sex they want. If the husband wants to have sex three times a week, he should tell his wife. She, in turn, should view this interest as a healthy sign of the marriage and share her own feelings. If both partners agree on something like three times a week, they will likely find the time for sex. While it may not seem romantic to schedule sex on the calendar, it’s a positive, straightforward way to address an issue that often lingers in the background of many marriages. Plus, it can lead to a renewed sense of intimacy that will help couples enjoy sex again—without a schedule.
Two couples who faced this issue decided to take on a challenge by CBS News to see if 365 nights of sex could actually improve their marriages. The results, featured in the book The Sexperiment, were overwhelmingly positive. When these two long-term couples committed to having sex every day for a year, they reconnected both physically and emotionally. For this experiment to succeed, both partners had to be open about their feelings regarding sex and marriage. They also had to let go of their inhibitions and dive in—both figuratively and literally—into a pool that had long gone cold. It wasn’t easy at first; it was awkward, forced, and eventually humorous. Yet the end result was clear: scheduling sex with your partner is an easy, efficient, and plausible way to strengthen a marriage.
Undeniably, both couples learned that the psychological connection of having sex isn’t just about the act itself. It’s rooted in the desire within the relationship and affects the way couples feel about each other and themselves. Respect, kindness, and happiness all increased, while stress decreased. One key reason for this is that when couples take a proactive, common-sense approach to sex—specifically by having more of it—they are better able to communicate and lose the anxiety that often surrounds the lack of intimacy.
If you’re in a slump, resist the worry of being seen as shallow or simplistic, and start scheduling sex. Just say, “We’re having sex tonight,” and follow through. Sex is important in marriage and reflects many of the feelings that brought you together in the first place. Not having sex spells trouble, no matter the reasons. Scheduling sex with your partner can be the perfect way to keep your marriage alive.
