At some point, every couple wonders if there are secrets to a happy marriage. You might look at a couple who seems so perfect together after many years and wonder how they achieved that. Despite what people may think, marriage is hard work. It requires an enormous amount of give and take, compromise, and self-control to not only be happily married but to stay that way. In fact, one of the real secrets to a happy marriage is sitting tight during times of turmoil and resisting the urge to throw in the towel every time things get tough—which can be often.
The Real Secret to Happiness in Marriage
The internet is full of advice. Counselors constantly write books and share theories about what makes a marriage happy. There are millions of self-help books, church-based workbooks, workshops, and couples’ retreats, all selling the idea of the perfect marriage. Sure, they may offer valuable insights, help uncover personality flaws that make things difficult, and even provide tools to mend the constant ebb and flow of emotions that come with loving someone. But what many people overlook is that far too many are searching outside themselves—at their mates, their families, or external sources—for something that only they can provide: happiness.
The real secret to a happy marriage is a happy person—someone who is grounded, comfortable in their own skin, and takes responsibility for their own happiness, fulfillment, and reactions.
You cannot control your spouse. If they drink, smoke, have emotional issues, a temper, talk too much, complain, are overly involved with the kids, spend too much money, depend on their parents, don’t fight fair, or have any other flaw, you won’t be able to change them. At least not fully. Many people will conform temporarily to restore peace in the home, but that will often lead to resentment because they don’t feel accepted for who they truly are.
What you do have control over in your marriage is your own reactions—both outward and inward. If your spouse treats you like a child or constantly does things that irritate you, you have the choice to decide how you’ll let it affect you. In other words, you have a choice. You don’t have to condone or try to change your spouse in order to be happy. You simply have to make a personal decision about how you will react and feel. Sometimes, it’s also crucial to learn how to disconnect emotionally from certain aspects of your spouse’s behavior.
What confuses many people is the idea that choosing your reaction means ignoring the issue. In reality, this often leads to passive-aggressive behavior. While you may not talk about the problem, you’re still holding onto anger and resentment. You might sulk or act as if it doesn’t bother you when it actually does. This isn’t the answer. The answer is a full emotional disconnect. You express your feelings honestly, make sure your spouse understands how you feel, then accept that you won’t change things and move on with your life, choosing to live it the way you want to.
Anger doesn’t arise from external forces; it comes from within. People who are angry are comfortable living in that drama and choose to stay there.
Certainly, some certified marriage counselors might have strong objections to this approach. But the bottom line is that each of us has personal responsibility for our own satisfaction. Whether it’s in the sexual aspect of the relationship or the everyday dynamics, it’s impossible and unreasonable to live based on contingencies related to someone else’s behavior. While some behaviors may be too difficult to fully understand or accept, it’s often better to move on. However, 90% of what couples argue about—things that seem like major issues—are actually pretty trivial. Just plain silly.
Ask yourself: Are they worth staying upset over for days? Are they worth arguing about? Are they worth nibbling away at the love you feel for your partner? Eventually, you’ll find the answer is “no.”
Even with the perfect spouse, happiness in marriage comes from within each person. It also comes from learning to detach from aspects of your spouse’s behavior that you’re not going to change. If you can’t live with it, then you have to decide whether to move on. But if the good outweighs the bad and the love is stronger than the irritation, you’ll find that your marriage can still be happy. When you decide that some things in life aren’t worth fighting or arguing about, your marriage will be happier. Likewise, when you take personal responsibility for your own happiness, you’ll realize that neither storms nor upsets can ruin your marriage.
Happy people are fun to be around. They smile often, maintain a generally positive outlook, and radiate a joy that makes them a pleasure to spend time with. They are easy to talk to, quick to apologize, quick to forgive, and easy to understand. They are honest and eager to see the sunny side of life. They make awesome partners, and while they may not always agree or like everything their spouse does, they are able to take responsibility for their own happiness and live life on their own terms—not someone else’s.
So, in conclusion, when it comes to the secrets of a happy marriage, there really aren’t many. The secret to a happy marriage—and living life to the fullest—is the ability to make yourself happy first and foremost.
Save your time, money, and energy. Learn how to make yourself happy, and then, when you get married, you’ll see how easy it is to make your marriage happy too.
