Politicians often use the phrase “conflict resolution” these days. Whatever happened to the good old “solving a problem” approach? It’s fine to get fancy with terminology, as long as we’re not just paying lip service to whatever needs to be resolved.
Conflict resolution has moved from the cold walls of Congress and Parliament into the bedrooms of North America. It’s now also used when two people, who once loved each other passionately, are in conflict and heading toward a point of no return, seeking help.
Rather than acting impulsively and making decisions they may regret later, couples may choose to give their marriage one final push—to see if a once-satisfying relationship could be mended or even re-tooled through marriage counseling.
In 99% of marriages, divorce should always be a last resort. Attempts at dialogue with one’s spouse, seeking help from close family members, attending marriage retreats, and going through marriage counseling are all good options to explore before reaching the point of divorce. Our argument is that divorce, no matter how amicable, has long-term consequences—not only for the husband and wife but especially for the children.
Since divorce must be avoided at all costs, couples should consider marriage counseling as a last-ditch effort and a final attempt at conflict resolution.
Here we are, trying to save countries, the ozone layer, and nuclear bombs from exploding—surely we can try to save our marriages. It’s not as if we’re lacking in methods.
Take marriage counseling as an example.
Marriage Counseling – What is it Exactly?
When two people agree that their relationship could be improved, they seek marriage counseling. Another term for it is marriage therapy.
When couples decide that marriage counseling is their best option, they can expect to be given tools to communicate more effectively. This will help them address their differences, negotiate potential compromises, or simply argue in a more constructive manner.
Marriage counseling sessions are run by licensed marriage counselors or therapists who provide mental health services. However, for couples in trouble, their focus is specifically on the relationship. Marriage counseling is generally a short-term solution, though the duration depends on the nature of the conflict. Couples will learn, as they work with their counselor, that they may only need a few weeks to get back on track. However, some couples with irreconcilable differences may require months of counseling. The extent of the damage needing repair is often a key factor in determining how long the sessions will last.
Currently, the trend is for couples to attend marriage counseling once a week.
Benefits
By seeking marriage counseling, couples acknowledge and accept that their marriage needs an overhaul and that their relationship is far from perfect. Not having a perfect marriage doesn’t mean it’s doomed to disaster. We know that personalities are shaped by experiences from childhood, school, the workplace, and often from our parents and grandparents. Naturally, when two personalities come together, their differences can put their marriage out of sync.
The first benefit of marriage counseling is that couples gain an understanding of these differences and how they can be redirected to serve the marriage, not destroy it. When people have a bad day and stress levels exceed what they can handle, they tend to magnify such differences. It takes time and effort to accept the fact that clashes and disagreements will always be a part of the “package.” The goal is to rise above them. Developing an appreciation for these differences helps individuals cultivate respect for their partner’s views.
A second benefit of marriage counseling is the avoidance of larger psychological problems later on. Frequent fighting and emotional turmoil can lead to depression. Marital conflict weighs heavily on everyone; fights with a spouse can be distracting. Over time, they affect one’s ability to concentrate on work, child-rearing, and even basic domestic tasks.
Marriage counseling can benefit couples who have opposing views on various stress inducers, such as:
- Sexual problems
- Communication issues
- Angry reactions to even the smallest details
- Alcohol or drug dependency
- Cultural gaps
- ‘Infidelity‘
- Behavioral patterns that annoy the other spouse: flirting, spending too much money, excessive time with one’s family, exaggerated work habits, and other issues
- Physical or mental handicaps
- Health problems
- Changing life situations (retirement, downsizing, changes in lifestyle, absentee children who don’t call or visit, boomerang kids)
A third benefit of marriage counseling is its potential to prevent the escalation of physical or verbal abuse. If there is any risk to life and the abuse worsens, the counselor will immediately advise the abused spouse to seek police intervention.
Your personal safety is paramount. While marriage counseling may save relationships, it cannot save your life if it’s in danger. The tragic newspaper stories about women—especially—being murdered by abusive husbands or boyfriends after domestic rifts are a grim reminder of this reality.
Another benefit of marriage counseling is its “maintenance” role. You don’t need to be in crisis mode to seek marriage counseling. You can attend sessions not because you need therapy, but because you want to maintain the love and harmony inherent in your marriage. You may wish to discover ways to strengthen your bond and learn techniques for making your spouse happy and content in the relationship.
So spread the word—marriage counseling doesn’t necessarily equate to therapy or conflict resolution.
For couples planning to marry and seeking marriage counseling, this demonstrates a sincere desire to understand “what makes the other tick” so that future arguments can be avoided. It shows a high degree of emotional maturity when couples don’t wait for problems to arise. Instead, they roll up their sleeves before marriage and set the parameters for their relationship. For instance, engaged couples can agree beforehand on matters such as:
- Not squandering the family budget by buying unnecessary items,
- Keeping a joint account for household expenses, but separate individual accounts for personal needs,
- Each spouse striving to pay off outstanding debts incurred before marriage,
- Having a modest wedding, avoiding a grand, wasteful ceremony,
- Not going on expensive vacations until after 50% of the mortgage and car payments are paid off,
- Not going to bed without resolving an argument,
- Raising children equally, sharing responsibilities, and being consistent in parenting.
These are just a few of the issues that could potentially provoke arguments. Many people assume that these matters will sort themselves out over time.
Wake up and smell the coffee—these are the very issues that need to be clarified before the union takes place. You don’t want to leave any stones unturned unless you’re prepared to throw them at one another five years down the road.
Marriage counselors report that a good percentage of couples’ quarrels stem from money matters, so this is one area that should be addressed before you walk down the aisle or make your pledge before a Justice of the Peace.
You know the saying: money doesn’t buy happiness. It never did, and it never will.
What to Look For in a Counselor
The role of a marriage counselor is to help couples nurse their marriage back to health, not to aggravate the issues that threaten separation or divorce. This makes it essential for a counselor to be knowledgeable not only about marriage but also about relationships, individual strengths and limitations, the psychology of conflict resolution, and the resources available to couples dealing with problematic marriages. Therefore, choosing a certified and licensed marriage counselor is crucial. Ask for their LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) designation when selecting a counselor. States impose varying requirements, but most LMFTs should have advanced training, such as a Master’s or Doctoral degree. Credentials from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) are an added bonus, as they signify higher eligibility criteria. Canada and other countries also have their own licensing boards.
While many marriage counselors run their own private practices, they can also be found in clinics, hospitals, health centers, and government or educational agencies.
What questions should you ask a counselor to help determine if they are the right fit?
Start with the qualifications. Ask about their license, education, training, and experience. Some counselors specialize in specific areas, while others handle general issues. Don’t be shy about asking about fees; you need to ensure that you’re financially comfortable with the charges. Also, find out the location of their office and their office hours (you probably don’t want to travel out of town for counseling).
You can also ask about the counseling sessions: how often they occur, how long each session lasts, whether there are timelines, the total number of sessions, what to expect, and the policy on missed sessions. One critical question is whether the counselor provides an emergency contact number.
Once you’ve clarified all the details, check with your health insurer or HMO to see if marriage counseling is covered by your policy.
Seeking marriage counseling could be the difference between enjoying scotch on the rocks or watching your marriage fall on the rocks.
