There are a ton of things in life that I have a difficult time wrapping my mind around. I don’t understand how anyone could ever hurt a child. I will never understand why children get awful sicknesses, and I don’t know why more people don’t eat mayonnaise on their French Fries.
Another one of those random things that I have a difficult time understanding is all the microscopic scrutiny that people are constantly putting their marriages through. Every where you go online and in the media you will find people complaining and worrying about the state of their marriage, or over-stressing that just maybe, their lives aren’t as good as the damn Joneses who live up the street.
Listen, my husband has forgotten our anniversary more years than he has remembered it. Most nights we don’t sleep in the same bed. There are many weekends when we have softball tournaments combined with softball practice (He is the coach) that him and I barely interchange more than 3 words except for “What is the batting order?” Some days, I don’t like to be in the same room with him (and I am sure he feels the same way), and I swear at times I deserve a medal for putting up with all of his idiosyncrasies.
We never talk on the phone for very long during the day, and we have both certainly settled into routine roles in our marriage that work for us. Is my marriage perfect? Of course not. Is my marriage exactly how I thought it would be when we first said, “I do.” Not. Even. Close.
But is my marriage, bad – doomed, dysfunctional or worth ruining my day over.
I certainly don’t think so.
In fact, I think that far too many people are trying to hold their marriages up to some phony and unrealistic expectation of how they ‘think’ things should be when they are married, rather than just enjoying the way things are. Instead of rolling with the changes that have taken place over the years, and relishing in the comfort of the complacency, people are anguishing over ‘what could be’ or ‘what should be.’
And this constant scrutiny takes a lot of energy away from the good things about the relationship. It also doesn’t leave much room for you to enjoy your marriage. If you are constantly focusing on what needs to be improved or changed – you certainly aren’t allowing yourself to live in the moment.
At some point, you have to decide that your spouse – no matter how irritating; and that your marriage – no matter how imperfect, is absolutely perfect for you. Even if it is just for now. Most marriages at some point or another – turn out to be marriages of conveniences so to speak. And convenient is good. Maybe not uber exciting and passionate – but good nonetheless.
Focus on the good things – even if the two of you are encountering a rough patch. Let go of dated and perhaps naive expectations, and hold on to the reality that the two of you are on the right path.
And if you are truly unhappy – then do yourself a favor and move on. There is no point in wasting the expanse of your energy and time trying to change someone else. Chalk the relationship up to experience and take the next step, whatever that next step may be.
Maybe, just maybe – we are putting too much emphasis on the ‘preconceived notions’ and ‘expectations’ of marriage than we are on finding the amicable, mutual happy place where two people’s love can truly grow and flourish. A happy marriage is really NOT as hard as most people think. And seriously, who gives a rats ass about what OTHER people (family included) think of your marriage?