One of the biggest challenges in a marriage can be dealing with the in-laws. Before we get married, we often see our future in-laws—whether we like them or not—as an insignificant part of our lives. They may annoy us with their expectations, be overbearing, or we may even think they’re the greatest parents on earth. Then, suddenly, the “I dos” are said, and the in-laws become something more. This “something more” is called family. From that point on, they can become a thorn in our side, constantly making snide and spiteful remarks that seem to speak volumes about what kind of marital partner we are becoming. While these underhanded behaviors can hurt a lot, it is very difficult to talk to them because we respect them as elders and don’t want to cause a huge division in the family. Then, if and when kids come along, the in-law situation can become horrendous and, for many, lays the foundation for divorce down the road. The reality is that we should pay more attention to the in-laws and their relationship with our spouse long before we get married. But since many of us believe love will take care of everything, setting the in-laws straight during your marriage often becomes the only option to make things right.
Understanding the In-Law Dynamic
It’s easy to see why the in-law situation can escalate. First, the in-laws represent your spouse’s life prior to you. Everything your husband or wife has ever done, accomplished, or been has likely been shared with them. Parents and children live life together for many years, sharing dreams and building success from infancy to adulthood. This connection entitles the in-laws to feel as though they have a say, an opinion, and a stake in their child’s life, even after marriage. This bond is natural, and while it can be annoying at times, it is built on love and should not be seen as an attack on the new husband or wife. At the same time, most adults get married and feel an immediate surge to break ties with their family and live autonomously. The harder a couple pulls away, demanding privacy and the ability to be seen as an independent unit, the more the in-laws may feel they are losing hold of their child. The struggle is really about letting go of the old family and building a new one. The sad part is that during this restructuring, there are bound to be hurt feelings, bruised egos, and a sense of injustice.
One of the chief complaints of married people is that their spouse lets the mother or father-in-law have too much influence over them. However, what most couples do is pick fights and demand action from their spouse rather than from their in-laws. If your mother-in-law is constantly putting you down with belittling statements, it’s only normal that you want your spouse to stand up for you. When they don’t, fighting can start. What is often at the root of this conflict is the age-old “love me better” mentality. We desperately want our partners to stand by us first and foremost, above all others. There’s nothing wrong with this. In fact, most marital counselors, including the ever-popular Dr. Phil, agree that for marriage to work, partners must become an inseparable team and stand together on all issues, including the in-laws. The trick is knowing how to set the in-laws straight without burning bridges or alienating the marriage. Regardless of how you feel now, in a few years—or maybe a decade—you’ll likely come to terms with your in-laws and, out of respect, understanding, and maybe even a little bit of love, begin to understand their role in your life.
The first thing you should do if you feel slighted by the in-laws is talk to your spouse about it. Use powerful phrases like “I feel,” “I need,” and “I want,” which allow you to own your feelings. This way, the situation doesn’t become about right or wrong but about how you feel. When talking to your spouse, also offer solutions. For instance, instead of saying, “I can’t stand it when your mom comes over every weekend because this should be OUR time,” try saying, “If your mother would call first before coming over and let us have Sundays to ourselves, I would feel less resentful.” This way, your spouse will see that you’re not being jealous or spiteful, but that you’re trying to meet in the middle. The next step is often the hardest. In a perfect world, your husband or wife would march over to their parent’s house and demand independence with the understanding that it’s the only way things will work. But very few people are willing to do this with their own parents. Instead, you have to do it together—set the in-laws straight about your expectations without hurting their feelings or becoming too harsh.
Setting the in-laws straight doesn’t mean issuing an ultimatum or offering only one solution. It can’t be your way or the highway. Remember, your in-laws have been a part of your spouse’s life much longer than you have. For this reason, there has to be some give and take. While it’s normal to feel mad, sad, or angry about your in-laws’ seemingly complete lack of respect, you should realize that their actions come from a place of love. You should also respect the fact that your spouse may not feel exactly the same way you do. Working out the degree of involvement the in-laws have in your life is part of working out your marriage. Take the in-laws out to dinner and sit down with them as a couple. Before you go, decide what you want to discuss and make sure you and your spouse present a united front. Then, simply and compassionately, try to work through the problems that exist. Try to understand that, even though your in-laws may be meddlesome or seem mean-spirited, their actions are likely driven by love.
Don’t expect your spouse to hurt his or her own parents’ feelings. Realize that they are stuck in the middle of a situation they never hoped for. If you approach them together, calmly and openly, you will be able to get much further. However, if you show up at their doorstep like a raving lunatic, yelling or arguing, you will only make the situation worse. Also, fighting with your spouse about the in-laws is a waste of effort and anger. Make sure to keep your frustrations in check and ensure that the two of you find a united front to face the problem together. This way, you won’t end up with regressive or resentful feelings toward each other, which could eventually drive you apart. Setting the in-laws straight doesn’t have to be a negative encounter, and if you do it together—remaining a team and staying compassionate—you’ll make much greater progress.
