If you are a man reading this article, you might want to pour yourself a drink—preferably a stiff one. That beautiful woman you married, the one who rocked your world in the bedroom until now, is about to change. The rumors are true. Even if you thought it could never happen to you, the reality is that there are a few things future dads need to know about sex after having children (besides the fact that it can sometimes be challenging).
You’ve likely heard the stories from your married buddies or the guys at the office who are constantly complaining that their wives just aren’t into sex anymore. Once the baby arrived, everything changed for them, and they were pretty much forced to take a back seat. You probably thought these men were exaggerating. Or you might think that the woman in your life, who seems to enjoy sex almost more than you do, would never “shut down the store,” so to speak. You might even be living on the whimsical hope that having sex every night will still be part of the plan when the kids arrive, because, after all, the kid has to sleep sometime, right? Wrong!
One of the worst things you can do to your sex life is have children. Children change everything, starting with the woman who once had a closet full of leather and lace. For one thing, the maternal instinct kicks in, making the simple pleasures of the past—like her breasts—more about motherhood than anything else. From the moment the milk comes in after she has a baby, you can pretty much cross her breasts off your list of sexual interests, as she might not allow you near them. Plus, with a baby constantly sucking on them and the worry about breast milk squirting you in the eye, her breasts may actually become a turn-off for you as well. (Bet you never saw that one coming.)
Next, you’ll hear about how tired she is. The baby wakes up every couple of hours at night and is constantly in need of something during the day. Plus, there’s laundry to do, food to prepare, and children to watch all day long. Yes, it’s exhausting. By the time the kids are finally in bed, she might say she’s stressed out, has a headache, or just doesn’t feel well. She might want to take a bubble bath or a shower (or not, which can also be a sex buster). Or she might just fall asleep with the kids in your bed, leaving you to snag the top bunk in your kid’s room for the 95th night in a row. All those times when the two of you would fall asleep together after sex, or have fun on the couch while watching a movie, or enjoy a night on the porch—those are now a thing of the past. Because not only is she tired, but she also becomes increasingly worried that your sexual activities will either wake the kids or that the kids will walk in on you.
Suddenly, all the time you used to have together is now shared with the kids. And guess what? You’re the one who loses out. It’s not that she doesn’t love you or think of you as a priority, but rather that the kids take precedence. So you end up with the leftovers, which, incidentally, isn’t much.
Unfortunately, your sex life may not become horrible right away. As you add another child, change jobs, buy a new house, or encounter other stressors, you suddenly realize you’ve gone from having sex five times a week to three times a week, then to once a month. Now, you might not even remember the last time you had sex.
Worse, for her, it might feel like a big joke. She may be taking out her resentment, frustration, discomfort, or insecurities about her body after having children on you. Okay, maybe not intentionally, but you end up suffering. And soon, she realizes that her ability or inability to be sexually available is something she can use to hold over your head. Every time you do something that upsets her or encourages her cranky mood, she becomes comfortable writing sex off for another week. After all, she isn’t in the mood anyway. Some women even joke about this with their friends, sharing how they have their husbands begging for sex. Perhaps they offer sex in exchange for a vacation, a new purse, etc. But this is just so wrong and shouldn’t be tolerated. Sex should not be a burden, and men shouldn’t have to jump through hoops to receive sexual intimacy from their wives.
So, what can men do? Should you choose NOT to have children or get married? (It’s probably already too late for that.) And that’s not really the best answer anyway. The truth is that having a family can be a rewarding and passionate experience that can actually enhance how the two of you work together. You can get even closer, and your intimate relationship can improve too. But you must be willing to put in the effort and address YOUR concerns directly with HER instead of discussing it humorously around the water cooler at work.
Here are a few tips!
- Talk about sex. A lot. With her. If you both continue to discuss sex and maintain its importance to your relationship, it will stay at the forefront of both your minds. Use text messages, emails, little notes, Twitter, etc., to stay sexually connected.
- Schedule sex. Seriously, keep track of how often you have sex on an actual calendar. Then create a sex schedule to try and increase those numbers. It may seem strategic and a little unromantic at first, but it keeps your sex life going. It’s much easier to stay on this horse than to fall off and try to get back on!
- Get away from the kids! If you never go out, leave the kids behind, or get the kids out of the house, your sex life will suffer. You need to remind each other what it’s like to spend time together without children.
- Be appreciative and compassionate. Don’t forget to buy her flowers for no reason or bring home some lingerie. In other words, let her know that you still love her and think of her sexually. One small good deed like this can work wonders for her stress levels.
- Give her a massage. Make sure you don’t only touch her when you “want some.” Sometimes it takes time to unwind and switch from being a mom to being a wife. Hold hands, kiss each other goodnight, and hug.
- Make sure you don’t become a selfish lover. If there isn’t much in it for her, then why should she bother? Men can become overly focused on their orgasm and neglect hers.
- Remember the kids are yours too. Even if she is a stay-at-home parent, make sure you help out with the kids. Preconceived gender roles can certainly diminish sex drive.
- Encourage her to get out of the house alone! Make sure she has time to run, work out, or do any of the things she enjoys. This will invigorate her and reduce her stress level, which means more sex for you.
Even if you follow all this advice, know that your sex life is still going to change. In many ways, it’s completely normal for relationships to ebb and flow sexually. The key is maintaining some sort of balance and satisfaction with your sex life that both of you can live with. If things seem awful or awkward, talk about it together before acting on any impulses you may have! And remember, you aren’t alone in feeling as if you’ve been kicked off the Ferris wheel when it comes to sex. Many men, especially those with children, feel exactly the same way.
