You decided to get a divorce. You and your spouse were unable to make the marriage work. However, the most important thing to realize—especially for those of you with a family—is that the children, in the aftermath of a divorce, should always come first. What many couples fail to realize, whether they are in the midst of an amicable divorce or a “War of the Roses,” is that sharing the kids can be a nightmare for both you and the children for a variety of reasons.
One of the more popular ways couples today share custody is by alternating holidays and allowing the kids to live with one parent for a week at a time, switching every Friday. This can work out wonderfully if both parents live close to the child’s school and have work schedules that allow for plenty of time to care for the children. Trading holidays seems fair, until one year, either you or your spouse decides that it’s important for the kids to spend the holiday with you, and your spouse disagrees. Moreover, at the time of the divorce, your lifestyle and circumstances may lead to custody decisions that can change at any moment. For example, when you signed the papers, you were working the day shift, but now your job has switched you to the night shift. Now what?
Life is unpredictable. That’s why sitting down with an attorney to discuss the ins and outs of joint custody and sharing the kids is a crucial step for all parents to consider. Of course, both parents want to remain an integral part of their child’s life, despite a divorce that is certain to disrupt the “normal routine.” And for many adults, this shuffling and switching between households can create a nightmare—not just for them, but, more importantly, for the children.
According to research, children thrive in predictable environments where they feel safe and secure. When parents share custody in ways that aim to make the time spent with each parent equal, children may be caught in a cycle of alternating between “mom’s way” one week and “dad’s way” the next. This can also create communication difficulties, as both parents likely have different rules. The aftermath of “the switch” can be emotionally disorienting for the child. Over time, this might lead to increased arguments between divorced parents about what they believe is best for the child.
Suffice it to say, sharing children is hardly ever easy.
Elaine O’Reilly, founder of the Co-Families organization, explains how crucial it is for divorced parents to learn how to co-parent effectively. When couples can co-parent, they allow their children healthy exposure to both parents and ensure the children maintain their role as kids in the family—not feeling responsible for the emotions of the adults involved.
She believes that adults need to sit down with a rulebook—a set of boundaries that are shared and valued in both households. The parents need to work together to ensure that the children’s routine—going to school, participating in activities, and adhering to rules—is as consistent as possible between homes. While newly divorced couples may not see eye to eye on many things, there are likely areas where they can agree when it comes to raising their children. When parents put their personal differences aside and focus on finding common ground for what is best for the kids, the children can thrive after the divorce.
Additionally, while custody agreements may hold significant importance for parents going through a contentious divorce, being too rigid and refusing to work together when necessary only hurts the children. Keeping the kids away from a spouse out of spite has nothing to do with putting the children first. It’s merely an attempt to get back at or hurt the other parent. Certainly, the terms of a custody agreement should be followed, but neither party should object to circumstances that might justify a change in the agreement. For instance, if the kids are with mom, but dad’s parents are coming into town, withholding them from seeing their paternal grandparents only harms the children by preventing them from maintaining a relationship with their grandparents.
Furthermore, while both parents may want to spend equal time with the children, kids need—and deserve—a stable routine and schedule. This is why it’s often better when parents can reach agreements that keep the children’s lives on track—near their friends, attending the same school, and so on. When kids realize that the divorce hasn’t turned their lives upside down, they can heal and adapt more quickly with less emotional distress.
Sharing custody of the children can be a complete nightmare. However, with careful planning and a commitment to putting the children’s needs first, it doesn’t have to be. Parents must be willing to make changes to custody arrangements, bend the rules when necessary, and compromise for the well-being of the children.
Adults need to remember that they made the decision together to bring these children into the world, and they are responsible for their well-being above and beyond their own. The best thing a couple can do for their children is to learn to co-parent effectively—even if they don’t particularly like each other personally.
