In every household, there is an unspoken division of duties. One day, mom starts cutting the grass, and suddenly, she becomes the one responsible for this task. When a baby enters the home, the dividing lines often become even blurrier, as mom and dad fall into a routine of parental duties without ever discussing them. Over time, however, one parent may end up taking on more responsibilities than the other, which can lead to frustration and resentment. After all, just because mom is the one doing eight loads of laundry every day doesn’t mean dad can’t help. So why doesn’t he?
In dad’s defense, the reasons are rarely malicious. More often, they stem from a lack of communication and planning when it comes to sharing parental duties at home.
Sharing Parental Duties: Communication is Key
Each home must divide responsibilities differently. If one parent stays at home, that parent will likely take on more of the child-rearing duties. By the time the working parent comes home, most tasks may already be completed, and they often get to enjoy the laughter of their children without having to manage the daily chores. However, when one parent becomes the primary caregiver, they may find themselves acting as the sole caretaker—first out of necessity, then out of habit. Over time, it becomes easier for the children to rely solely on the stay-at-home parent, and as they grow, they become accustomed to this parent meeting all their needs.
The working parent can start to feel left out of the loop, almost like a stranger in their own home. Their presence may unintentionally disrupt the routines established by the other parent. Kids might even say, “Mom doesn’t do it that way,” or “Dad would never make us do that!” These small phrases highlight how one parent can feel excluded, while the other becomes the default authority figure.
It’s also common for one parent to take on the role of disciplinarian. When mom and dad play “good cop, bad cop,” they are subtly manipulating their children’s behavior. The parent with the “heavy hand” can tire of always being the strict one, while the other enjoys being the “good guy” who comforts the child. This dynamic can create tension between parents, especially when they have differing ideas about what’s right and wrong. Both parents want to feel included, responsible, and loved by their children.
So, how can couples ensure that parental duties are shared more equally? It’s always easier to fix things before they become a problem. This means that as soon as a couple becomes a family, both parents should insist on help when needed. This doesn’t mean it takes two people to change one diaper or that both parents need to take turns giving every bottle. But both should feel empowered to take on whatever is necessary to care for the children.
If parents start this way, as the children get older, household tasks will become easier and less tense. The kids will have two parents they can rely on, and they will learn early on that mom and dad stand together when it comes to the important things. It’s also important not to keep score. If you start an argument with phrases like “I’ve changed 7 diapers today (3 poop and 4 pee), and you’ve only changed one,” then you’re likely setting yourself up for conflict. It’s much easier to simply hand off the baby to your partner and assume they’ll take care of it. Also, remember that they might not do things the same way as you, and you have to be non-critical of their methods. When dividing parental duties, it can’t be “my way or no way.”
Another thing to remember is that taking care of kids is no longer a matter of gender roles. We’ve long moved past the days when mom wore the apron and dad grilled the burgers. Still, as new parents, old ideas of what moms and dads should do may creep into your family dynamic. Your best bet is to ignore these traditional roles and remain open to doing whatever it takes to make the household run smoothly. Working as a team requires good communication. Don’t expect your partner to automatically know how you feel or what you need. If you can talk openly about things without arguing or feeling resentful, you’ll make great progress together. Parenting should not be about who does more; it should be about getting things done so that you have more time to enjoy each other.
Stay United on Major Issues
When it comes to bigger issues, like discipline and rules, parents must stand united. If you disagree with your partner, make sure to discuss it in private later, so the kids see you as a unified team. Of course, each parent has their own style of parenting, and blending the two takes time and commitment. Effective communication is key to making it work.
In your home, you and your partner both bring unique qualities to the parenting process. This doesn’t mean you’ll always agree or that you’ll both believe the dishes should be done immediately after dinner. Instead of focusing on who does what or who does more or less, try focusing on the task at hand. Many families find it helpful to create a shared list of chores and assign tasks to each family member. This ensures that everyone who is able to contribute does so.
Taking care of children is hard work and involves much more than just keeping up with household tasks. If you focus too much on what needs to be done, you’ll miss opportunities to simply be with your family. Similarly, if you focus too much on who’s doing what (or who isn’t), without talking about it, you’ll never be able to share the responsibilities equally.
