Should Children Be Taught to Respect Their Elders

Children around the world are taught to respect their elders. In fact, there are many biblical references and cultural traditions that herald the elders of the family (parents, grandparents, and so on) as the leaders of the family hierarchy. True to form, most kids show more respect to the adults in their lives than they do their peers. You wouldn’t hear a child saying “yes, Ma’am” or “no, Sir” to their best friend. They don’t normally use words such as “please,” “thank you,” or “pardon me” when interacting with their social group. Parents instill the value of respecting elders within the scope of teaching manners. And most kids get it—at least to an extent, and until they reach a certain age.

However, what happens when the elders don’t respect the children who are showing them respect? Should parents still force their children to show respect to these people? Certainly, we can all agree that there are plenty of deadbeat adults in this world—whether they are grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches, neighbors, or random store clerks—who treat children as unimportant or insignificant. Too often, adults treat children as though they “should be seen and not heard.”

Additionally, there are many children who are bullied, harassed, disappointed, and even abused—whether verbally, emotionally, or physically—by adults. Is it really fair to expect these children to simply respect their elders when those same elders are showing them no respect in return? Should children be taught to respect their elders?

Respect Must Be Earned, Not Automatically Given

In the lessons of life, where parents teach children about manners and respect in particular, it’s important for kids to witness respect in action. In other words, make sure your child knows what respect looks and feels like, so they’ll be able to recognize it when it comes their way. Adults see respect as a two-way street but often assume that children are not privy to these same rules—at least not when it comes to adults. On the other hand, parents teach their children not to be victimized by other kids and to stand up for themselves when mistreated. Yet, when their own children disrespect an elder in their presence, many parents become impatient and don’t tolerate it.

The message is understandably confusing for kids.

While random and a bit rough around the edges, kids have a pretty uncanny knack for picking out the losers in life. If Uncle Ralph is drunk at every family function, spouts curse words like they’re part of the alphabet, and rarely makes any attempt to be courteous or cordial to a child, it’s only natural that kids won’t feel warm and cozy around him. And if he’s such a hot mess, does he really deserve respect? What about that crazy baseball coach who calls the boys on the team degrading names during practice and doesn’t care how his actions affect the kids emotionally? Should respect simply be handed over like a hot dog at a backyard barbecue? This author says NO. Absolutely not.

If a child has a parent who doesn’t bother to call them but once a year, never provides them with emotional or physical support, and whose actions of neglect have hurt them deeply, does this “parent” deserve the child’s respect?

The interactions children have with others—whether older or younger—are often based on intuition. Kids know who and what feels right to them. They know who to be afraid of, hesitant about, and who to accept with open arms. Forcing respect on an unconditional basis is counterintuitive and lessens your child’s ability to gauge social interaction later in life. While there’s nothing wrong with teaching a child to give every person a chance and to expect the best from others, you cannot exclude lessons that encourage them to trust their gut. Quite simply, if a child doesn’t feel they are being treated appropriately by an adult, they probably aren’t—unless, of course, you’re talking about teens and their parents.

Respect should be earned—just like trust. Respect needs to be felt before it can be given to others, and this is true for people of all ages. While children shouldn’t run around with a chip on their shoulder, being indignant or rude, they also shouldn’t be forced to hand over the shreds of their personal integrity to people who show little or no respect in return. And honestly, when parents witness adults disrespecting their children, they need to step in and correct the behavior, rather than place the burden on the child.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with teaching kids manners and showing them how to use them. There is also nothing wrong with teaching kids that adults should be treated with more respect than their peers or classmates. However, kids should not be forced to show respect to individuals (regardless of age) if those people don’t mirror respect in return. Largely, children learn from what they live and witness from the adults in their lives. One study showed that 95% of learning is through imitation. Perhaps the best way to teach respect to your children is to show respect yourself. Help your children understand the difference between adults who treat them with respect and those who don’t. If an adult doesn’t treat your child well, your child doesn’t have to be rude but should be allowed to disengage from interactions with that person, with your support.

What do you think? Should children automatically respect their elders, even if those elders don’t respect the children in return?