Behind closed doors, beneath the gorgeous dresses and perfect makeover lies a thick woven blanket of silent tears, scars, and pain. Domestic violence and abuse from a fellow spouse can seal the gate to happiness in life. Little wonder one team of researchers put marriage to be “the riskiest venture undertaken by many people in the world “. The turn out of events is when relationships which hitherto was full of promise and joy become a frustrating and demeaning encounter.
Abusive spouses are everywhere. They could be anyone. They could even be successful businessmen, politicians, celebrities, pastors and other respected individuals in our society. In fact, abusive spouses do not only abuse their marriage mates and children but they also do the same to drugs and alcohol which are the secondary contributing factors to the cause of their violent and reckless behavior.
But we all have our breaking point. The point where we can’t put up with the heartaches and the pains anymore. The point we are tired of living in fear of the one we once loved dearly. If your situation relates to this, and you need a divorce from an abusive partner, then there are a lot of things to consider before, during and after filing for a divorce.
HOW TO DIVORCE AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND OR MATE
Marriage was designed to be a lifetime union but when the life of someone in the union is threatened or the abuse is getting of control, what does one need to do? Researchers conclude that 95% of abused victims are women and 40%of abused victims are kids. from this report, we can agree that abuse within the family circle is very common. According to Lisa Angel–an attorney, Board-Certified Family Law Specialist and member of the Governor’s Domestic Violence Commission. “The most important thing a victim of abuse can do… Is to find the courage to take action”. Divorce is not a pool you just jump into, there are a lot of things you need to consider especially when you have kids. In order to divorce the abusive mate. You need to make seriously advanced preparations, such as;
- SECURED FINANCE:
Securing your source of income, by saving in any manner possible will help in restarting a new chapter of your life after the divorce. If you have kids to take care of after the divorce from the abusing mate, you will see the need to have enough money on hand. Being a single parent is challenging, so having secured finance will help you take care of your bills till you can stand firm financially.
- KEEP EVIDENCE:
Photographic evidence and eye witness are keys to succeeding in a divorce trial.
- REPORT THE ABUSE TO THE APPROPRIATE AUTHORITY:
Before divorcing an abusive spouse, report the situation to the police. If a police report has been filed you will already have the upper hand before leaving. This can also help you avoid any future case if you take any children with you. Also, seek advice from an attorney and form a strong divorce team.
- TALK TO AN ATTORNEY:
Get an attorney who is experienced with these kinds of cases immediately you notice your abusing spouse is wrecking your life. If the attorney is too expensive, then maybe explain your situation to him or her and get a free discount. If it’s still expensive, you can get loans from family or friends and not your savings.
- SEEK CUSTODY FOR THE KIDS:
Divorce could be an uphill task in an abusive marriage basically when you have children. Divorcing an abusive spouse when you already have children can be difficult. Particularly when you don’t wish your children to undergo diverted attacks from there or developing an intense feeling for a man that you find unsuitable to be someone who is worthy of imitation, afterward you need to strive for the right to hold complete responsibility for them. Therefore, communicating with an attorney/ a lawyer you prefer and requesting he or she for a good method to manage the condition.
- KEEP COMMUNICATION WITH ANY PROFESSIONAL A SECRET:
when seeing an attorney or the police, being discreet is a virtue to be cultivated and keep the visitation a secret as much as possible. Keep your social media account private as much as possible do not let him become aware that you are seeing any professional and keep documents hidden away safely. Abusers could be stalkers at times, to avoid being caught when going about your divorce documents as your entire effort could end up futile.
- LEAVE THE ABUSING MARRIAGE:
when the abusing spouse gets out of control and you can’t condone any of his abusive acts anymore, such as his abusive behavior after he is done drinking to stupor among others, please leave the house and do so discreetly. Abusers are hot-tempered and violent, So any knowledge that you are leaving might push him to the extreme which is very dangerous.
Consider three things before leaving- where, when and what. Where to leave to, when to leave and what to do and expect after you have left. So the bottom line is, before leaving be careful not to disclose any sign of leaving and leave when he is out to avoid being physically abused beyond your expectation.
AFTER LEAVING THE ABUSIVE MARRIAGE, WHAT NEXT?
After leaving the abusing spouse and having a successful divorce, you could:
- SPEAK WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Truth is, divorce doesn’t make you feel better but makes you feel better and improves your self-confidence over time. So during this period, you need a lot of emotional support from friends and family. During this period try as much as you can to be honest and transparent with them. You need all the help you can get.
- SEE A THERAPIST
Divorcing an abuser affects both the person abused and the kids as well. However, your insurance at this point could be helpful in getting over the emotional turmoil. And it takes time. But it’s worth it!
- GO TO WOMEN SHELTERS
locate any women shelter near you and while there, use the money you saved up to Look for a place to move to permanently.
However, if you choose to stay with your abusive husband, set-up a scheme of action for safety measures. This includes hiding a car key, personal files or documents and some money in a place, and having a safe house or place to run to (somewhere to go) in an emergency. For more information on how to protect yourself in an abusive marriage, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline and ask for professional assistance.
But always remember you are never alone and you could always talk to someone – a friend, pastor, colleague, family, anyone you can trust.