The question of whether men and women should mate for life has been a topic of debate for humanity since the dawn of time. If you look at current divorce rates and statistics on infidelity, it’s easy to conclude that monogamy among humans is more of a pipe dream than a reality. Yet, every day, people still walk down the aisle, convinced they’ve found “the one” — their perfect partner — who will commit to a lifetime of love and fidelity through the golden rings of marriage. So, what exactly are these people thinking?
The Myth of Monogamy in the Animal Kingdom
In recent years, nearly all research into species once thought to be monogamous has been proven wrong. One of the latest examples came with the sterilization of red-tailed blackbirds. When millions of male blackbirds were sterilized to reduce their population, researchers believed that the remaining birds would stay together despite not being able to reproduce. However, the females continued to lay eggs and have baby birds. This demonstrated that even a species as simple as a blackbird will “stray from the nest” if their needs aren’t met. This example challenges the idea of human monogamy. If even blackbirds, driven by desire and sexuality, stray from their partners, it seems unrealistic to expect the same of humans. Today, there are as few as five species considered to practice monogamy. You might be surprised at how common infidelity is in the animal kingdom — check out this article about monogamy for more details.
Many argue that human beings, capable of morality and love deeper than any other species, should be able to commit to lifelong monogamy.
However, even within human history, the perception of monogamy has shifted numerous times. The first signs of infidelity being considered a sin come from biblical sources in most major religions. According to the Hebrew Bible, adultery is prohibited as one of the Ten Commandments. In Christianity, adultery is repeatedly defined as sinful throughout various passages, most notably in Corinthians. Since antiquity, religions have handled infidelity differently but have all united in their belief that unfaithfulness is a punishable sin. Interestingly, stories of unfaithful husbands and wives have not only filled religious texts and laws, but they’ve also been passed down through mythology, royalty, and countless modern-day books, TV shows, and social media.
Yet, love-struck humans are still convinced they can defy the odds and prove to their ancestors that they can mate for life with one partner. Every year, millions of people marry, believing in the fairy tale of finding a lifelong partner.
One reason mating for life seems unrealistic is that most people don’t actually do it. It’s important to distinguish mating for life from being monogamous with one person at a time. Humans do relatively well at staying faithful to one person at a time, on average having three meaningful relationships where they remain committed. However, as relationships break down and emotional or physical needs are not met, people move on, much like the red-tailed blackbird. Also, someone at 22 (the average age of marriage in the United States) is often a completely different person by the time they turn 40. It’s hard to believe you could choose a life partner at 22 who will meet your needs two decades later. Sure, it happens — but you have to wonder: Are these couples truly happy, or are they simply committed to the institution of marriage, believing that divorce is a sin?
And then, there’s the question: Should men and women even mate for life? Is it truly in their best interest? Finding an answer to this is difficult, but considering that so many couples seek marriage counseling and experience divorce, and that two-thirds of couples experience some form of infidelity, it may be wise to be more open-minded about this issue. Maybe expecting to mate for life is the problem. Or perhaps the problem lies in the definition of “mating for life,” which often means having a single sexual partner. The idea of finding a soulmate can cloud our understanding of what true monogamy is. According to a Durex sex survey, most people have already had at least five sexual partners before marriage. This suggests that, even before marriage and children, many of us have already failed to mate for life.
In the last two decades, the ideal of mating for life has loosened significantly. This shift came after years of the belief that lifelong commitment and monogamy were the only ways to live a sinless life. Even though adultery remains illegal in many countries, it’s rarely prosecuted. This indicates a shift in societal norms. A woman who cheats is no longer stigmatized or condemned to a life without a partner. Men, whether they are famous or not, often exploit their affairs without guilt. It seems that today, men and women simply move on to the next partner and phase of life, without worrying about whether mating for life is a feasible or realistic ideal.
Perhaps what we’re really searching for is monogamy in our many relationships. Rather than focusing on finding “the one” and living like swans (whose monogamy has also been disproved), we should aim for fulfilling relationships with the people we’re with. Instead of putting all our hopes into one person for life, we should accept that the ideal of mating for life is as mysterious as pink unicorns. If it happens to you, congratulations! If not, may you find happiness and love in your next relationship.
