Marriage seems, for most, to be the natural course of life. You grow up, graduate high school, and either get a job or go to college, eventually finding that perfect person to call your own. But with people waiting longer to get married and focusing on lucrative careers, more pause is being taken before people take their vows and say “I do.” Research shows that since 2001, the number of people getting married has consistently declined each year. In 1970, 72% of the population was married, but now the number is just slightly over 50%. Likewise, the percentage of divorced people is rapidly increasing. Obviously, all this data is making people think twice before getting married. So, should people get married in this day and age when nothing in life seems permanent or long-lasting?
The Impact of Divorce on Marriage Decisions
Another factor in the decline of marriages is undoubtedly the effect that divorce has on the mindset of young adults. More and more people in their twenties who are considering marriage come from broken homes themselves. This may contribute to their apprehension and a more guarded approach toward taking marital vows. Of the 82% of married couples that make it to their 5th wedding anniversary, only half of those couples are likely to make it to their 10th. As time goes on, the chances of marital longevity simply decline. The numbers are alarming enough to make everyone question whether marriage is worth pursuing—and if so, why?
Most people understand that love, at first, is full of passion, romance, fire, and flame. It’s all good! The sex is great, the company is enjoyable, and the lack of shared responsibilities makes life easier for the couple. Living in separate homes gives each person enough freedom, and the worries are usually few. There’s little to stress about. If the relationship breaks down, there aren’t children, financial woes, or societal judgment to consider—and most certainly, people move on. Breaking up is much easier before marriage is legally formalized, and dating, in general, is simply fun. For centuries, men and women have been warned about the long-term effects of saying “I do”—the sex disappears, the wife becomes a nag, and the husband becomes a lazy slob, etc. So why change a thing? After all, if you’re getting the milk for free, why buy the cow?
At some point, after a certain period of time, it just seems natural that the next step is to get married. Often, only one partner truly wants to wed, while the other is content with things as they are. For fear of losing the relationship altogether, couples get married. Soon after, the intense excitement of marriage fades, and it transforms into a warm, comfortable feeling that can seem mundane in comparison to the alternative. Very few people plan for this shift. After everything is said and done, and two people find themselves stuck watching TV in the same living room every night, working the same jobs daily, and following a routine—what is left to do or say? This complacency leads to the realization that there are many things you don’t like about your partner. Unfortunately, by then, it’s too late—you’re married, and you must deal with it all.
The flip side of the coin, however, is that just because things change doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad. Life is full of transitions, and when we marry, we transition together. Sometimes one partner may be ahead of the other, while at other times, growth happens in unison. Making it through each phase of growth together is an accomplishment in itself. Even if you have dated someone for 10 years, rarely do you discuss in any detail real-life situations that can make or break a marriage. Suddenly, after marriage, with all the new commitments and expectations, life becomes much more difficult. It’s easy to think back to your days of single life and realize how simple things were. There was no one to answer to, no one to worry about, and no one to take care of. Certainly, no one was telling you what you could or could not do. Before you get lost in a sea of regret, reflect on how you spent your time when you were single. Did the occasional loneliness bother you? Did you feel complete? Were you constantly searching for a partner or a new hook-up? Did you envy others who were married and starting families of their own? Did you feel pressured to find someone in order to fit in? Or did you believe that marriage was not only expected but required to be taken seriously in life? Should people get married?
“Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle…” – Amy Bloom
So, what are the benefits of marriage? Marriage does allow people to calm down a bit and finally commit to getting to know one person inside and out. It is definitely nice to have someone in your life who loves you and is committed to a relationship with you. Marriage also helps you be taken more seriously as an adult. It’s one of the few institutions that allows for the creation of a family without judgment. It’s difficult to understand that, in 2009, with families coming in many forms, people still judge unmarried parents with children. The fact remains, they do! Marriage can be a really nice arrangement. Finally, you can just be yourself and be comfortable doing so, knowing that you are married. There are often financial benefits, and even banks tend to take couples more seriously than single individuals. Marriage is also a rite of passage that “begins your life journey.” Now you can start planning for a future and everything that means to you. Yes, you can do all these things as a single person, but there’s still a weight many single people in their late twenties and thirties feel: You must get married!
Even with all the benefits, there are many drawbacks to marital bliss. No matter how hard a couple tries to maintain their autonomy, some is inevitably lost along the way. Certain behaviors or actions that may have been accepted or overlooked before are now unacceptable and can lead to emotional or physical infidelity. Sometimes, being in a marriage feels a lot like being a kid again. After years of waiting to grow up, you suddenly find yourself confined by the emotions of another person. Not in a “jail” sense, of course, but the freedom to make your own decisions and live on your own terms is stifled to some degree. Then, of course, there’s the sexual boredom that inevitably sets in. Honestly, how many times can you make love to the same person before it gets old? Many partners take foreplay and romance less seriously, and some of the passion is no doubt lost. If you think it won’t happen to you, you’re dead wrong. Eventually, it will!
Enter kids into the picture, and marital bliss becomes even harder to maintain. Two people must now agree on how to raise children and nurture them into healthy, happy beings. Children get in the way of a lot of things. Yes, they are a blessing, and they add love to a union, but they are also challenging, stressful, and increase the responsibilities and expectations of a couple tenfold. If you think you were tied down before having a husband or wife, you’ll be shocked by the shackles that children place on you. Kids also highlight all the things you realize you don’t like about the person you married. They expose childhood wounds that can turn us all into children again. So be forewarned. Perhaps a law should be in place requiring couples to wait 5 years before having children. Starting with pet dogs might be a great way to begin!
“Love is a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.” – Ambrose Bierce
So, should people get married? The answer to this question is highly personal. Marriage is definitely losing its appeal, and the media has contributed to this decline. The answer remains the same: If it feels right for you, then you should get married. If you don’t see yourself as a married person and feel that life is not right for you, then you should not get married. Any married person who tells you that marriage doesn’t change anything is absolutely wrong. Marriage changes a lot. Luckily, the balance of marriage can have as many positive effects as negative ones, and the key to a happy marriage is remaining true to yourself throughout.
The fairy-tale stories that men and women hear as children are just that—fairy tales. The altruistic story is a little less glamorous and requires much more work. Marriage requires us to give up certain parts of ourselves and often put our individual dreams on hold for a while. Many people find that what they wanted in the beginning is completely different from what they want in the end. There’s so much give-and-take in a marriage that it’s hard to keep score, and even harder to break even. Is it worth it? Most happily married people will say that it is. But keep in mind that happily married people don’t get that way overnight. For a marriage to last, people need to remain committed, true to themselves, and willing to work through a lot of mental, emotional, and physical challenges. The first ten years are really about the unfolding of the relationship and the individuals involved. Sometimes it’s difficult to know ourselves until we’re forced into cohabitation with another. Others feel vehemently that no one should get married, regardless of the circumstance. It’s probably wise to take note of their reasons and decide for yourself what kind of life you want.
If you have spent time wondering whether or not people should get married, and you are one of those people, suggestions would lean toward waiting. Marriage, in its institutional setup, can be rewarding, fulfilling, and offers many happy experiences. Uncertainty about anything usually means resistance to a gut instinct. In other words, asking the question “Should people get married?” likely indicates enough doubt in your mind that right now, you probably shouldn’t. When the time for marriage comes, you’ll know it’s right.
