As we think about life skills we want to teach our kids—like washing dishes, balancing a bank account, and keeping a clean home—these are a few things that may come to mind. However, how to have a respectful disagreement should be high on that list.
There are two schools of thought on the topic of arguing in front of children. One group says, “Don’t do it.” The other asks, “How do you not?” There are a few things to consider as we open this Pandora’s box.
I have friends who have said, “My parents never argued in front of us,” and others who have been traumatized by fights and disagreements that ended with hurt feelings or worse. But perhaps there’s another option. The problem with the former is that many may think there’s something wrong with their relationship if they argue and have never seen it done properly. The latter can leave lasting scars that lead to relationship issues for years to come.
There is a clear distinction between fighting and arguing. Fighting generally involves hurtful words, name-calling, raised voices, and more. It also often involves a desire to point out all the reasons you’re wrong and I’m right.
On the other hand, arguing is a difference of opinion. It can include a heated yet controlled discussion, a difference of opinion, and an underlying desire to find a place of agreement. I would suggest that the latter is something we should willingly do in front of our children. And here’s the reason: in life, we will disagree with others—people we love, people we work with, professors, and bosses. Setting an example for our children about how to disagree or argue respectfully is a valuable life skill that many have never been taught.
Teaching this life skill does come with its own warnings and things to watch out for. Here are four tips to keep in mind if you argue or have a disagreement in front of your children.
Four Tips for Arguing Respectfully in Front of Your Kids
Don’t Involve the Kids.
Don’t ask for their opinion, ask them to pick a side, or involve them in any way. They love both of you, and being forced to choose a side can make them feel like they’re letting one parent down. This could lead to feelings of guilt, abandoning, or hurting the other parent’s feelings.
Call a Timeout if Things Are Getting Heated.
Before the disagreement turns into a full-blown fight, ask if this is a good time to pause the discussion. Set a time to re-engage, or one or both parties may feel unimportant or ignored.
Listen with the Goal of Hearing and Understanding the Other Person.
Rather than listening for the pause to jump in and make your point, try to understand what the other person is saying. We’ve all been there—we’ve thought of the perfect comeback or one-liner that will shut down the whole discussion, but we fail to really hear and understand our partner. Consider using mirroring as a technique to confirm with your partner that you’ve heard and understood their point.
Seek Resolution.
If you argue in front of the kids, let them see the resolution. Many times we argue and resolve things later. Try not to leave them with a cliffhanger.
It would be impossible to live life without disagreeing or arguing—not just among spouses or couples, but also with coworkers, supervisors, and others. Along with teaching our kids how to properly load the dishwasher and cook a basic meal, let’s also teach them how to handle and navigate disagreements.
Being able to have a difficult conversation with tact and respect can make all the difference between living a life of conflict and one of peace. What a great gift to send our kids into their futures with.
Deborah Porter is a sought-after, influential voice on parenting, motherhood, and self-care. She is a champion for moms everywhere and works with mothers globally to guide them through the process of learning to be gracious with themselves without comparing their motherhood journey to anyone else’s. Deborah is a certified life coach and a regular contributor on CBS Virginia This Morning. Her advice column, Balance Life with Coach Deborah in Washington Parent, helps parents navigate the chaos, find their balance, and not lose themselves in the role of mom. For more information, visit www.deborahporter.net.
