The phrase “Turn the other cheek” is one rooted in Christian doctrine that has been passed down through generations. Turning the other cheek essentially means to “react to an aggressor without violence.” In other words, if someone hurts you, rather than fighting back, you walk away. This ‘walking away’ is meant to give you the upper hand in the situation and demonstrate that you won’t stoop to low levels of social engagement. But does it work? Is turning the other cheek the answer to all life’s troubles? Should we turn the other cheek, or does it simply make you a doormat?
In today’s world, the social issue of bullying has been brought front and center. In the United States alone, 60% of all middle school students say they have been bullied. There are close to 200,000 children who do not attend public schools because of bullying. Additionally, 20% of all teenage suicides are attributed to bullying situations. And this issue is not confined to the young; adults, too, are bullied by colleagues and neighbors, and the statistics on domestic violence within families are harrowing, to say the least. We live in a violent society, a delicate balance of victims and victimizers. The truth is, no one truly has all the answers. That being said, turning the other cheek is not necessarily a blanket solution that we should teach our children.
When Does Turning the Other Cheek Work?
One of the best quotes in life is, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” For every person who is bullied, harassed, made fun of, teased on the playground of life, made to feel guilty, unable to say no, or abused – there is a part of that person that allows the behavior. For kids, there is often an adult in their life who encourages them to turn the other cheek, to walk away, to ignore.
There is no way around the fact that there are some pretty horrible people in this world who will take advantage of the weak and the vulnerable as often as possible. If you, your child, or someone you know is among the ‘weak and the vulnerable,’ it’s important they learn to stand up for themselves and understand why they are allowing themselves to be victimized. Perhaps one of the biggest lies that has lasted through the ages is “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” When parents say this to children, they attempt to heal a wound in the moment, but the band-aid doesn’t hold. This only makes kids feel weak, inferior, or even silly for having hurt feelings in the first place. And each and every one of us knows that words hurt, perhaps more than anything.
Far too often, the allowing happens because of sayings and life lessons that go along with the “turn the other cheek” or “take the high road” mentality. The truth is, there are times in life when this is the best possible solution. However, most of the time, turning the other cheek—leaving the playground with your kids because there is a toddler bully wreaking havoc on the swings, saying YES to the boss because you’re fearful of losing your job, or walking away when someone teases you (or your kids)—only escalates the problem. Unfortunately, turning the other cheek often makes aggressors more aggressive. Worse yet, people who are constantly ‘letting things go’ can end up with debilitating low self-esteem, which only perpetuates the cycle.
Complete pacifism in life is nearly always met with annihilation. In 1940, when Hitler was scoring immense victories across Europe, Gandhi—perhaps one of the most famous pacifists to date—spoke to the British soldiers and said, “I would like you to lay down the arms you have as being useless for saving you or humanity. You will invite Herr Hitler and Signor Mussolini to take what they want of the countries you call your possessions… If these gentlemen choose to occupy your homes, you will vacate them. If they do not give you free passage out, you will allow yourselves, man, woman, and child, to be slaughtered, but you will refuse to owe allegiance to them.” In retrospect, it’s easy to see that his advice at the time—his commitment to ‘turning the other cheek’—was ineffective. Millions of people today wonder what would have happened, how many lives could have been saved, if people had the courage and will to stand up for what they knew was right.
Obviously, the example of Hitler and Gandhi is extreme. However, on a much more personal scale, this scenario plays out day in and day out. With all the research done in recent years on the social dynamics of bullying, one thing has remained firm: in order to stop the bully, to stop the taunting, you have to be willing and able to stand up for yourself and what you believe in.
In the primetime show What Would You Do, unknowing participants are placed in real-life situations where one person is often being victimized. Amazingly, only a handful of people ever have the integrity to stand up for what they know is right. Sadly, many of the other onlookers, who sit by and do nothing, feel morally compelled to intervene but never want to ‘make waves’ or ‘make a scene.’ They are caught on camera “turning the other cheek,” so to speak. Even as a viewer, it feels awful to watch people being victimized without standing up for themselves—and without others standing up for them.
Life isn’t always easy. There are tough lessons that each and every one of us has to learn. One of those lessons is when to turn the other cheek and when to hold your ground and be firm about your feelings. Many people let things go or ignore situations because it’s easier and more comfortable for them at the moment. They’ve always been taught not to make waves and don’t feel confident doing so. Other people have turned the other cheek so much in their lives that they’ve become pushovers and doormats. And, of course, there are those who are constantly on the defensive, never allowing things to just be, and are soldiers to their own idea of justice. The trick is finding the balance for yourself and for your kids.
When you teach your children to stand up for themselves (and do so yourself as an example), you ensure they won’t be victimized. Learning how to say no, how to confidently show others how you will and won’t be treated, and how to live with self-respect and integrity are essential life skills. It may be easier to walk away, to remove yourself from a situation—to simply give up—but that only ensures you will receive more of the same.
