I distinctly remember the moment my mother-in-law told me I should call her and my father-in-law by their first names. I was a little shocked for several reasons. First, my parents had always called their in-laws “Mom” and “Dad.” Second, I had never addressed my elders by their first names, from childhood through to age twenty-three, when I got married. Lastly, it felt too formal to call them by their first names; it just didn’t feel natural. So, as I usually do, I did what I wanted and have called them “Mom” and “Dad” ever since.
Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I had followed their request. My husband and I have been married for almost seventeen years and together for twenty-one. Would my relationship with my in-laws have taken a different trajectory if I’d complied? Perhaps they’ve harbored some annoyance toward me for doing things my way instead of theirs. Or maybe they’ve never given it a second thought!
There have definitely been times I wanted to switch from calling my father-in-law “Dad” to using his first name. Unfortunately, we have an extremely rocky relationship, and there were moments when I didn’t want to call him the same thing I called my own father, with whom I have a very good rapport. Fortunately, my mother-in-law and I have a wonderful relationship, and I’ve always been happy to call her “Mom.” If I called her by her first name now, she’d probably think we had a serious unspoken issue to address.
I wonder what I’d like my daughters’ future husbands to call me and my spouse. Honestly, I would feel uncomfortable if they addressed me by my first name. I think it’s disrespectful to call elders by their first names, especially those who hold an important place in one’s life. If a guy starts dating my daughter and calls me by my first name right away, I might have to ask her to reconsider whether he’s worthy of courting her. To be fair, my daughters are currently only twelve, nine, and seven, so maybe I’ll mellow out in the next fifteen years.
Yes, I hope my future sons-in-law will call me “Mom” and my husband “Dad.” I’ll let them know this expectation, and hopefully they’ll comply. After all, my husband and I will be like a second set of parents to them, and I hope they love and revere us as such. I want them to feel comfortable with us and not feel the need to be formal, which I see as disrespectful, by calling us by our first names. I’ll explain my perspective, and I hope they’ll agree. If my daughters are told by their in-laws to use first names, I’d encourage them to add “Ms.” or “Mr.” in front. Hopefully, upon hearing this formality, their in-laws would reconsider and allow them to call them “Mom” and “Dad.”
Maybe one day I’ll ask my mother-in-law why she wanted me to call her by her first name. But then again, why open a can of worms two decades later? I do wonder why she requested that title, especially since my husband tells me she called her own mother-in-law “Mom.” To be fair, maybe that took time to evolve. Perhaps she thought our relationship would follow the same path, and that calling her “Mom” would be a privilege I’d earn over the years.
I’ve always felt comfortable calling my in-laws “Mom” and “Dad.” This was especially true after my parents moved a significant distance away shortly after my husband and I married, making his parents the most consistent presence in our lives. When we had our first daughter, it felt even more natural to call them “Mom” and “Dad.” We also honored what they wanted to be called as grandparents: “Grandmom” and “Pop Pop.” My own parents preferred “Grammie” and “Pa.”
So, if you’re soon to be married and wondering what to call your new in-laws, I recommend asking them! If you’re uncomfortable with their preferred names, kindly request to use what you’d prefer. If they decline, it’s better not to start your relationship on the wrong foot. Respect their wishes and go along with it. Perhaps in the future, you can revisit the topic and see if their preferences have changed.
Family dynamics can be tricky! Honoring your in-laws, the people who lovingly raised your spouse, can endear them to you and make your spouse grateful for your respect. Since you’re likely in it for the long haul with this group of people, it’s best to be diplomatic. And don’t forget your own parents. Be an intermediary if they want to be called something your spouse doesn’t feel comfortable with.
Families all have their traditions and unique ways of doing things. Even if it feels strange to step out of your own family’s traditions to adopt those of your spouse’s family, give it a try. You might find you prefer their traditions over the ones you grew up with!
