Should You Discuss Finances While Dating

woman holding a lot of money

When you begin dating someone, ultimately their financial status is none of your business—nor is yours theirs. However, after a few dates and a glimpse of each other’s lifestyle, you’ll likely get an idea of what kind of financial person they are. Do they spend too much? Are they frugal, never ordering appetizers at dinner? Do they seem showy or overly impressed by money? Truth be told, however, you have no idea what financial baggage might be lurking in their metaphorical closet. No matter how much you love someone, the fact that they owe $150,000 in student loans and credit card debt can quickly dampen the initial feelings of attraction—especially if you’re thinking about marriage.

When to Discuss Finances While Dating

The real question is not whether you should discuss finances while dating, but when you should. If you’re financially savvy and prioritize saving money and planning for the future, it’s probably a good idea to start talking about your financial goals early on. You shouldn’t be afraid to share how you prioritize money (or not) and how you generally feel about it. After all, dating is about finding someone compatible. Considering that more than half of all marriages end in divorce, and many of those divorces are caused by financial stress, making sure your financial goals align is important.

This doesn’t mean you should ask for a copy of your partner’s bank account statement or run a credit check on the first date. However, as the relationship becomes more serious and the possibility of a long-term commitment grows, the conversation about finances should be initiated. From that point on, it should be an ongoing discussion between the two of you.

It’s amazing how, for many people, talking about sex, family life, and other intimate details happens more quickly and with less discomfort than the dreaded “money talk.” This is surprising, given that money is such a huge part of life. The reason is simple: everyone brings financial baggage into a relationship. This baggage could be in the form of prior bankruptcy, or it could be shaped by ingrained social views about money. If you grew up wealthy and are used to having nice things, with savings and financial success being important markers of life, partnering with someone who doesn’t feel the same could be challenging (though not impossible). Alternatively, if your partner values money highly and you don’t, the relationship could be at risk.

The best way to approach the subject is through real-life experiences. For example, if you’re planning a vacation together, money will inevitably come up. You’ll see how well your financial ideals align by observing how each of you plans and spends during the trip. Similarly, if you’re thinking about buying a big-ticket item together, the money conversation should arise. If one partner wants to charge the whole purchase on credit at a high interest rate while the other prefers to pay in cash, it’s clear that you’re in different places when it comes to money.

Additionally, no one in a relationship should be afraid to admit they cannot afford something. Going out together and spending money on events, dinners, and dates can become expensive. Eventually, the costs of maintaining a relationship can feel like a burden. If you can’t afford to go out every night, it’s important to speak up and say so. This will help your partner understand your financial situation and show that you’re responsible with money. If they reject you because of it or seem unimpressed, they probably weren’t the right choice for a life partner anyway.

According to financial experts, the last thing you want is to marry someone without knowing anything about their financial past. Once married, their credit affects yours. The debt they owe on credit cards, student loans, or car loans can become your burden as well. With many people marrying later in life—after they’ve already established assets of their own—it makes sense to talk about finances and even separate them before marriage. It may be worth speaking to an attorney to explore options that can help preserve both partners’ creditworthiness and financial independence. No matter how in love you are right now, you must think about the future, which includes many uncertainties and “what-ifs.”

The most important thing to remember during the money talk is to be honest. Don’t assume that because you feel one way and your partner feels another, you are right and they are wrong. Also, try not to judge too quickly. Each person comes from a different background, and the financial challenges they’ve faced may not always be easily understood. Finally, gauge how well the two of you can agree and compromise on financial matters. For many people who struggle with money, dating or marrying someone with a strong financial background can be a game-changer. People can change their money habits, and together, you can make things work—if you are both honest from the start.

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