The whole idea behind sibling rivalry is easy to figure out. Kid #1 was having the time of their life—soaking up all the attention, never having to share a single toy, and living like the king or queen of the castle. Then, suddenly, this squirming, noisy, and smelly little person comes into the picture, someone they’re supposed to love—who effectively steals every ounce of “special” that the first child had. Now, Kid #1 is left throwing a diaper in the trash, while the little one gets to sit on your lap. Duh, who wouldn’t be angry? This scenario repeats itself as more offspring arrive, until the whole home becomes a silently growing example of a “dog-eat-dog” world.
To top that off, parents begin to feel guilty and spread thin, thinking they have to “make up” for lost time with poor Kid #1. They revert to buying them things to compensate for the lack of attention. Parents may even talk to their children about how bad they feel for being so busy with the baby or sister’s ball practice, which only opens the door to guilt-tripped grins and manipulation from crafty kids. Seemingly, sibling rivalry is created by parents, but in reality, rivalry among humans and animals alike is not only natural but probably healthy, too.
The Role of Sibling Rivalry in Child Development
I have never met an only child that I have ever truly liked. Not that it’s their fault, really. It just seems that without siblings and sibling rivalry, people don’t begin to learn the basics of negotiation, sharing, compromise, patience, or ever really realize that they aren’t the only person in the world who matters. The rivalry between siblings provides a perfect avenue for us to unveil our true selves and handle real-life situations with people who (hopefully) love us unconditionally. Sibling rivalry also prepares us for some basic truths in life, like “not all things are created equal” and “life will not always be fair.” We can work out aggressions with siblings in ways that would not work anywhere else in life, have a sounding board when we’re angry, and perpetually be tempted to try harder and aspire for more—especially younger siblings. Additionally, we can maintain a firm grasp on the reality that life is only truly complete when other people are involved.
When we think of rivalry, we may initially associate it with competition. In reality, they are different. Competition is about being better and winning, whereas a rivalry is an ongoing issue of ebb and flow wins that result in a coveted prize. The prize, in this case, is attention and status as “mommy’s favorite.” Charles Horton Cooley said that “one of the most effective ways to utilize human energy is through an organized rivalry, which by specialization and social control is, at the same time, an organized cooperation.” Hmm, see? Our kids are really cooperating with one another, unbeknownst to them. In simpler terms, sibling rivalry is owned by the kids, controlled by them, and effectively mediates their boundless energy to assert their position in the family’s pecking order.
In addition to that, kids may act out with their siblings what they really want to say to their parents. Most kids think their parents aren’t fair or favor one child over the other. Their disdain for the perceived inequality is often taken out on the sibling. Sibling rivalry is more than just fighting, which can cause headaches for any parent. It’s often about boundaries, limitations, and unspoken feelings of insecurity or the lack of knowing they are unconditionally loved. As kids’ needs change, they will develop new and either more intense or subsided feelings of sibling rivalry.
As a parent, it’s really necessary to sit back and allow them to unfold their relationship with one another. This process builds their skills, enhances their character, and gives them major insight into conflict resolution. Obviously, if the kids are physically harming each other or becoming increasingly heated, a parent should step in and settle them down. Otherwise, sibling rivalry is a great outlet for them to learn how to handle problems and what to do in real-life situations when other people are involved. They will gradually figure out what works and what doesn’t over time. Be proud in knowing that if they can handle things at home, where emotions often run highest, they will be better prepared for occasional run-ins with classmates or even bullies.
Many parents, for one reason or another, fail to determine what is most important to each child in the home and set ground rules that reflect that. For instance, if Kid #1 wants privacy in their room and Kid #3 can’t respect that, we’re setting the siblings up for rivalry. Similarly, if Kid #2 has a favorite stuffed animal and his siblings are constantly teasing them with it, it may be wise to initiate very specific rules regarding it. Being flexible and finding the things that drive your kids the craziest helps ensure each child has certain inalienable rights in the home, which their siblings must adhere to or risk being grounded. This shows our children that we respect their feelings and are working to make things more amicable.
Siblings are supposed to argue, fight, and bicker. Although it is painstaking for a parent to witness—and irritating to the point of mental and physical distraction—it is a necessary process in raising children. Not all siblings fight or engage in overt sibling rivalry, but to some degree, there will always be strife between brothers and sisters. The good news is that just as there is strife, there are many moments when they play together and find in their siblings a best friend for life. Perhaps sibling rivalry also prepares kids for opening their hearts to love many throughout their lifetime and shows them the many ways they can become great friends to others.
