Is there anything better than a nice bike ride on a perfect summer day? From the sensation of the wind tousling your hair to the sound of birds merrily chirping and the sight of couples of all ages walking hand in hand outdoors, you’d be hard-pressed to find something more glorious to do with your time. Those who consider themselves cycling aficionados claim it is difficult to beat the camaraderie found among a group of cyclists enjoying a ride together. Some of the most hardcore among them get out there every day, regardless of the weather. This common love of cycling connects weekend warriors with newbie cyclists still struggling with training wheels as they begin their love affair with the open road. The truth is that mere paper and pen are inadequate to convey the joy, peace, and quiet that a simple bike ride can provide. On top of these benefits, biking is excellent for cardiovascular health, with numerous advantages including calorie burning, decreased stress, and lowered blood pressure. That is… until some idiot on a smartphone steps into your path.
If you’ve ever experienced this, you know exactly what I mean. As you feel your seat leave your bike, the grip you once had on the handlebars slips away, and suddenly, you are airborne. As you plummet through the air, you can’t help but wonder how the idiot who just walked across your path has lived this long.
Each time this occurs, your landing spot varies. Today, you might crash into a ditch; tomorrow, you could end up with ripped jeans and bloody knees from being propelled into gravel. Worst of all is a collision with a sturdy oak tree—or even worse… a car. As you hurtle through the air, unsure of your final destination, you realize there’s a very good chance you’ll break bones, lose blood, or at the very least, destroy your bike.
The Smartphone Dilemma
This all-too-familiar scene unfolds due to some idiot’s unhealthy attachment to their smartphone. Instead of paying attention to anything outside the minute radius of their cell phone screen, the culprit is busy texting their friend and listening to some top 40 tune through expensive noise-canceling headphones. Having experienced this scenario many times, I firmly believe these “offenders” deliberately crank their tunes to ignore the frantic ringing of my bell and my screams as I slam into the concrete.
While it takes a great deal of restraint not to scream at those texting, watching videos, or checking emails as they stroll down the road, they are not the worst offenders when it comes to causing cyclists unnecessary grief. The coveted #1 position goes to those chasing Pokémon on their phones. These “special individuals” typically travel in packs, oblivious to anyone or anything around them. Their modus operandi is to bolt quickly to find and capture the next special creature they’ve been hunting for weeks. Because of these individuals, you go through far more brake pads than you should, and they deserve credit for the spikes in your blood pressure. You might even want to send them the bill for the anger management sessions you now require due to their “participation” in your “relaxing” hobby.
However, the worst part after a crash is when you finally “vent” at the party responsible for your misfortune, and they look at you as if to say, “What’s your problem? You need to watch where you’re going!”
This puts you in the frame of mind to escalate the dialogue, perhaps with an exclamation like, “Oh, REALLY! I need to watch where I’m going???”
At this point, you might think the city should invest in a little “natural selection” by randomly removing manhole covers along bike routes to weed out the strong from the weak. After all, Mother Nature is no dummy. Her system favors the strong to keep the gene pool vibrant. Unfortunately, there is no such process applicable to smartphone users today, leaving our civilization in a perpetual state of peril.
What makes smartphone users think they are above the rules of common sense and logic simply because they’re holding an internet-powered device in their hands?
Many may view this article as self-indulgent venting, and they have every right to do so. The bleeding hearts among us might feel it is unkind to criticize others’ rights to use their personal belongings. But the bottom line is that they pose a danger to public safety. After falling victim to their selfish antics numerous times, it’s hard not to think nasty thoughts when you see another smartphone-absorbed pedestrian heading your way.
Perhaps I should be thankful to these smartphone warriors who regularly cross my path with their heads down. After all, I now proudly bear a scar on my left knee from when I attempted to swerve to avoid a collision with a pedestrian on 4th Avenue. It makes for a wonderful story to share at parties. I never tire of spending my hard-earned money on new cycling pants or replacing the perfectly good rim on my bike. If you think about it, they actually did me a favor since a lighter rim is much better anyway! Now I’m hoping the next pedestrian encounter will allow me to spend even more money on new wheels, enabling me to go faster and farther with minimal effort—an expenditure I wouldn’t have considered otherwise.
On second thought, if I replace the rim, I’ll just crash harder next time, giving me the opportunity to spill even more blood on the streets of my beloved city—perhaps becoming a hazard for some cell-phone-bound dimwit with their head firmly down, playing Pikachu. What a shame that would be.
Perhaps the best solution, one that would also eliminate the need to vent, is to mount a water cannon on my bike and carry a large bag of water on my back so I can douse encroaching, non-observant pedestrians. After all, isn’t education key to solving most problems? Not only would this wake up those in deep cyberland slumber, but the force of the water might also break their phones, preventing injury to both me and the user. Implement this winning strategy, and we could call off the workday to randomly remove manhole covers citywide, saving the city expense and effort—a win-win. Yes, the broken phone might cause its owner heartbreak, perhaps leading to untold Pokémon and Pikachu deaths within hours… something I’d feel rather guilty about… for the afternoon.
Unfortunately, the cannon is not the perfect solution to this dilemma. In reality, it would slow me down, hurt my back, and possibly necessitate trips to the chiropractor. But I haven’t given up on finding the answer. I’m rather fond of the idea of using an industrial-sized air horn. Where is that phone number for BC Ferries or a naval destroyer? Surely, they’ll have something that would do the trick…
