Far too often in relationships, sex becomes a weapon. When there is tension or strife, one partner can use the weapon of sex to hurt the other. Unfortunately, this weapon doesn’t just cause one wound; it opens up a laundry list of cuts and bruises that can damage the relationship and lead to resentment over time.
The excuse, “Sorry, dear, but I have a headache tonight,” while clichéd, is used by about one-fifth of women to avoid sex with their partners. According to a study conducted by Parenting Magazine, many women use this excuse once or twice a week. Do they really have a headache? If so, wouldn’t that many headaches warrant a visit to a neurologist? After all, frequent headaches can be a cause for concern, right?
What most people mean when they say they have a headache to avoid sex is that they are stressed, tired, or simply not in the mood. Perhaps they haven’t shaved their legs in a week or two, need a shower, are preoccupied with pressing thoughts, or feel slighted that their partner didn’t do the dishes or help with the kids. Sometimes, they might just not feel like having sex.
Research indicates that men and women are wired differently when it comes to sex. While men can experience several erections in a day, hormone fluctuations and emotions largely dictate women’s sexual desire. Most women agree that a spouse’s desire for sex isn’t a cure-all for a week’s worth of worries. Withholding sex, for any reason, often results in passive-aggressive behavior that does little to resolve relationship issues or enhance intimacy.
Interestingly, this “sex weapon” isn’t solely a female tactic; men can be guilty of it as well. While women may be labeled as the ones who often refuse sex, their male counterparts may be begging for it, doing chores in hopes of a reward in the bedroom. Men also withhold sex and may face insecurities in the bedroom as they age.
A study by Fox News indicated that one in five people surveyed regularly make excuses, such as “I have a headache” or “I’m just too tired,” to avoid sex with their partners.
The top seven excuses to ‘get out of sex’ from the study were as follows:
- I am not in the mood.
- I have to get up early in the morning.
- I am stressed about work.
- I am upset with you.
- I can hear the children.
- I (or they) need a shower.
- My back, head, legs, etc. hurt.
For men, the most common reason for suddenly claiming a headache is that they have lost sexual interest in their partner. Many men admit to feeling less attracted to their partners in the months following childbirth. Weight gain, regardless of how shallow it may seem, is another reason some men may opt out of sex. On the other hand, women often feel resentful and angry when a man unhooks their bra straps without even asking how their day was.
Relationships change over the years. What may have begun as a passionate, thrilling relationship often cools down over time. However, the real problem with making excuses for not having sex is that it involves a level of deceit. If you’re angry, feeling slighted, upset, or simply bored with your spouse or the bedroom routine, discussing it is a much more constructive solution. Many of the excuses we use to avoid sex are contradictory. In fact, sex can alleviate stress, worry, headaches, and other ailments. Doctors and psychologists alike believe that a healthy sex life contributes to overall well-being, and that an orgasm can be the remedy many of us need for a satisfying life.
What many may not realize—or even admit—is that making excuses to avoid sex can hurt the relationship. The longer it continues, the more it damages both partners. Ultimately, a lack of sex can lead to infidelity. There may be real medical issues at play that need attention. It’s also important to recognize that while anger, resentment, and negative feelings between a couple are common, a fulfilling lovemaking experience can also be a solution. Sometimes, we can communicate through our bodies more effectively than through words, enhancing intimacy in ways we might not expect.
At the end of the day, if you often experience “sex headaches” or come up with numerous excuses to avoid sex, it may be time to evaluate your relationship. Consider what you want for the future and the direction you and your partner are heading.
