Speaking Your Mind to your Spouse

Ohhh, he makes me so mad! Just once, I wish he would listen to me! How many times have you heard this from your best friend? She calls you up on a Friday night to complain about all the ridiculous things her husband does. As you listen on the phone, you wonder why she doesn’t do anything about it and why she always acts like everything is fine when her husband is around. Your advice is the same as it always is: “Speak your mind!” Yet your friend, you, and just about every other married person past the five-year mark have trouble doing just that. Okay, not all married people, but a large percentage of men and women don’t spend enough time speaking their minds to their spouses. The curious thing is, why not? After all, we are taught from the very beginning—and it’s reiterated in every marital bliss book ever written—that communication is the key to successful marriages. So why are so many people failing to do just that?

The answers are pretty clear. Speaking your mind to your spouse isn’t always as easy as it should be. Most of us know that if we were always saying exactly what was on our minds, we’d spend more nights in separate beds than anything else. So, it’s easier to whine and complain, venting to our friends and co-workers than to say these things to our spouses. Partly because, with our friends, we can skip the parts that make us look like the bad guy in the relationship. We talk to others, speaking our minds with wild abandon because, even though they may think we are completely ridiculous, we hope they’ll agree and side with us. Our partners, however, would not. The other reason spouses don’t always speak their minds is that, usually, the things people argue or fight over are unsolvable issues in the relationship that stem from two completely different mindsets. Call it Mars and Venus if you wish, but men and women rarely see things the same way.

Another thing to consider is that, while it is customary to take out our frustrations on the people we love the most, most of us are smart enough to realize that doing so daily could be fatal to an otherwise healthy relationship. In other words, our partner may bring out the worst in us, but we still don’t want to constantly show that side. Couples also learn over time what the hot-button issues are in their relationship. If you find yourself arguing or feeling annoyed over the same things, and you’ve spoken your mind to your spouse a million times before with no change, continuing to do so can feel pointless. While it may seem like your feelings are being ignored because of the obvious disregard, speaking your mind often comes down to choosing your battles. If you only have three hours a week to spend together, you don’t want to waste that time battling over chores or whose turn it is to walk the dog.

Why You Should Speak Your Mind

There are good things that can come from speaking your mind. The key is knowing exactly how to do so without coming across as a raving lunatic. If you freak out, start yelling, or act accusatory or disgusted, you will most likely be met with a defensive wall. Rather than hearing what you are saying, they will hear how you are saying it and will immediately feel disrespected. It’s sad, but the delivery of your thoughts is probably more important than anything else. By the same token, weeping and crying to get your point across is manipulative and unattractive, no matter how far into marriage you are. Instead, you should use powerful words like *”I think,” “I feel,” “I need,”* which clearly put you in charge of your comments and refrain from being accusatory. If you feel something, it can’t really be disputed because it’s emotional. This doesn’t mean that your spouse will automatically agree with you, but they will be less likely to resort to passive-aggressive techniques, eye rolling, or indifference.
Communicating with your spouse is important. However, many couples become worried or overwhelmed by the fact that they aren’t communicating enough. Not everything in your relationship has to be talked to death. You have to understand that some things—your silly quirks and his silly habits—have to just be accepted as part of the game plan. There has to be freedom and independence in marriage that allows each of you to remain an individual. This may mean you have to put up with some pretty silly stuff that you may feel strongly about, but that remains non-negotiable. As long as it isn’t detrimental, illegal, or otherwise negative, you should let it go rather than hold onto grudges, anger, or feel the need to beat a dead horse with your communicative efforts. Men don’t feel the need to talk as much as women, and often they will decide that their actions—like coming home every night, rubbing your feet, or allowing you to hog all the pillows—speak volumes about your relationship.

If you must speak your mind to your spouse about something that’s bothering you, run it by your best friend first. See what they think and ask for their honest opinion about what you should do. If they are married, you may find that what you are feeling is just part of marriage. This isn’t to suggest that you should ignore issues, especially if they are bothersome. Still, you need to let go of the picture-perfect ideal of marriage that exists only in your head. You should speak your mind with honesty, free of anger, and do so with the clear intention to find a solution rather than just vent. Venting with no real direction to heal is self-serving and damaging to a relationship. Rather than speaking your mind in the middle of your feelings, do so when you are calm and have had time to work through your words and emotions. If you own what you say and deliver the message with integrity and respect, you will definitely be met in the middle. In marriage, middle ground is one of the best places to remain.