Spending Quality Time with your Children

mom playing with young son

Take a glimpse into most children’s rooms or homes, and you will see that parents dote quite a bit on their children. In homes across the world, children are outfitted with fancy brand-name clothes, the latest electronics like laptops and video games, as well as innumerable toys and gadgets—bought by parents in the hopes that their child will have everything they want. It has been the cliché goal of every generation to give their child more than what their parents gave them. Most likely, you’ve jumped on this bandwagon, remembering how in middle school, you were horrified about not having Jordache jeans or being the only senior in high school without a beeper. You never want your child to feel the way you did.

Additionally, with so many homes having two working parents nowadays, parents are often forced to replace time with gifts. The same is true for children of divorced parents. Sadly, all of this gift-giving and doing special things is often the result of misplaced parental guilt. Let’s explain.

The Guilt Trap: Are We Misplacing Our Priorities?

How many times have you, as a parent, devised a plan to spend quality time with your children? For instance, you work all week and then make grandiose Saturday plans that include a movie, lunch on the town, or something extravagant. Or, you work an entire year, saving up your money and vacation time, to take your kids on a fun-filled, action-packed trip to Disney World. And at every moment, you indulge your child with a gift, an overpriced hamburger, or a token, hoping that they will always have something tangible to remember the experience by. Is this quality time? To some parents, it is. This isn’t necessarily a flawed way of parenting. All parents want to excite their children and offer them things and experiences to fill up childhood. Yes, you probably spend a lot of time apart from your child, but that doesn’t mean you should make up for missed time with monetary investments.

In fact, quality time can be as simple as reading together, making dinner as a family, grocery shopping, or just spending time together without any plans, expenses, or extravagance. Spending quality time with your children can be as easy as lying in their bed for ten minutes before they go to sleep or watching a favorite movie or television show on a weekly basis. If you notice in the term “quality time,” there is no reference to quantity. Just because you spend more or do more doesn’t necessarily mean it’s better.

The problem with shedding guilt through material objects is that it teaches your children to expect too much. It also sends them the message that you feel guilty about something, which lessens your parental presence in their life. Eventually, they will understand that they can manipulate you to get what they want. Remember, children are clever little things, and they know full well when they can manipulate people in their lives to get something they desire. Parents are then left scratching their heads, wondering how their kids became so selfish, indulgent, and spoiled. Another downside is that this guilt can overshadow your instinct to discipline.

Look, you aren’t the first parent who, excited about seeing their child at the end of the day, feels frustrated about having to correct bad behavior or enforce manners and discipline. The thing is, your children need parents, not friends. Quality time together can often translate into teaching life lessons, which, although harsh, will be much more effective and easier coming from a place of unconditional love. Best of all, your children won’t hate you for it. Sure, they may draw on some of your guilt and say some pretty hurtful things, but in the end, you are the one responsible for shaping the clay.

So, what does spending quality time with your children really mean? It can be a combination of things. In general, it’s about getting back to the lost human art of simply being. When you’re together with too many plans, events, schedules, distractions, and stuff, you’re not truly getting to know your children. It’s not about how we bond as a family during specific events in life, but how well we connect during all moments in life. A walk in your yard looking for pinecones can be just as fun and bonding as a Saturday afternoon at the zoo or amusement park. In fact, it’s during these moments—when our guards are down and our children can just be themselves—that parents can truly experience the full depth of who their kids are. Likewise, children can see their parents in a more authentic light, without gifts, guilt, or planned events.

Spending quality time with your children can also include gifts, special events, and vacations. The key is that it shouldn’t always be planned. You can’t forecast a relationship with your children or create one through things of monetary value. While these experiences may enhance the moments, they shouldn’t define the parent-child relationship.

Lastly, let go of the guilt. No matter what your circumstances are, you are doing the best for your child. Your child will adjust and be just fine as long as you don’t get lost in gifts and events that make their life feel like a fairy tale. Just be the real thing. Be their mom and dad. Be there for them. The sooner you accept the way things are, the sooner they will too. You’ll find that discovering quality time together is the easy part of raising children, and it often appears in the most unlikely of places and moments.

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