My dear Theresa…
Reading these blogs, and especially yours, breaks my heart…I’ve deep empathy and compassion…I’m there with you…

…yeah…no answers despite my many years of academic degrees, professional work (embedded to admit…but in this very field!…)

…and…unfortunately…many years of personal experience…
…for years…my spouse convinces people he is galant, life of the party, loving, caring, etc etc
…people choose not to believe he’s nothing but…
Yet…there’s that dark side of flipping from “loving” to abusive…

…from a professional opinion…he characterizes the “dry drunk syndrome” (major difference between sobriety and recovery) and the DSM “narcissistic personality”
…albeit…I can’t “fix” my patients…and I CERTAINLY can’t “fix” him!…

I so wish I had a solution for the many of experiencing these nightmares!…

…while I appreciate the time and “education ” of those who volunteer or are professionally trained/paid… it seems their well meant advice is mere “fluff” …especially in more “complicated” spousal elder abuse, eh?

Altho Ive chosen to no longer be involved in these so called churches…I am a sincere Christ-follower.

Albeit, sharing such matters within a “religious
community” is even more heart breaking–both personally…and Bibically.

…Forgive my wry sense of humor…however…
…after sharing with a good friend who held a position in church leadership…her husband was a pastor and professor at a well known Evangelical seminary…
(…in fact…lol…where recieved one of my several academic degrees!!…go figure, eh??!!)

This woman knew me well…and…I suppose….meant well …however…I was taken aback when she shared…

“Things keep on getting worse for you when I pray for you. So I can’t pray for you anymore!”

SAY WHAT??

…sadly…she’s one of many who have chosen to be misled by the need for power , control, and money in these religious corporations referred to as “churches”…

Anyway…my dear Theresa…my heart is breaking as I
I share your hurt and concerns!

…from my personal conviction…I know how the “story” ends…and look forward to that glorious day…

Same here Kat and I’m out of state. Very draining

Hi
We are dealing with that exact issue minus his eye sight. He has bullied, videoed my mother on the floor crying after he has manipulated her and drove her to the point of frustration that she could no longer express herself. My mom is 85 as is he. She has filed for divorce. Did you find any way of having charges filed?
Please feel free to contact me dsissin@sbcglobal.net thank you

Its not a funny joke Trisha, so lose the humor. You are worried about finances years down, and holding on to your lifestyle, when you should be worried about whether you will make it to the end of the year if you stay.

She should hit the old bastard back !
Make up for all the times he hit her !
The old saying is “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”
For every action there is a reaction.

You have the same name as my sister. If agencies can’t or won’t help, and you can’t move the one parent in with you, it seems there is little that can be done to assist in providing a cure all solution. Bandaid options might include:

You can arrange in the US for IHHS to have a caregiver present if the person cannot complete tasks of daily living (this costs money) and this will stop the abuse from taking place at those times. Another idea is to have neighbors present for care/conversation. You’re basically inserting watch dogs that will hopefully mitigate the abuse during those times by mere presence. You can recommend the abused spouse go on a senior’s trip or senior day trips with a local board and care or senior group depending on mobility. You can recommend that the abused spend time outdoors under the watchful eye of neighbors if they are mobile. Most abusers won’t outburst in front of others unless they have really lost it. You can advise meditation for both, hopefully to calm the raw pain and rage that lives in the abuser, and to give the abused respite. In the case of disability, separating the living situation by moving the disabled spouse to board and care if insurance will cover it is another option.

My elderly mother is emotionally/mentally/verbally abusing my father; neither are without fault, by way of psychological dysfunction and disorder, selfishness, whatever you want to call it, but one acts out while the other acts stagnant and stoic. This is a dynamic that occurs when you have two people, with one abuser more raw than the other. One chooses larger silent survival, and the more volatile chooses yelling, insults and control. This creates an issue where the only action that can be taken is for each, or just one, individual to choose to live an independent life with the support of financial and public healthcare services, if they are sufficient. If the prior is feasible, a choice must be made by the abused spouse, preferably by the majority abuser, to select a better diverged future for themselves with happiness rather than dwelling in the unpleasantries on their familiar life, and often their history. The individuals involved need to choose life over fight and contact. For example, I attempt to suggest doing a task for their own happiness or a happier future, a hobby, something to look forward to, rather than focus on negative emotions or the burden of knowing the spouse or past events. It’s ignored entirely, but I try. If separation is not feasible or first steps to do so are not taken or even entertained, I don’t think there’s a hope as it’s clear agencies fall flat and short when it comes to elderly spousal abuse. It’s a terrible combination of an aging mind and formerly intertwined lovers, where at least the abusive spouse, if only one is abusive, is now an uninhibited, unfiltered, doesn’t give a f about anyone’s opinion, I’ll do and say what I want, feral version of a toddler with a dose of self perceived authority. In the absence of dementia, elderly people become amplified in their personality, and if they were at all unstable or dysfunctional, they enter that state on steroids with age. No amount of well meaning advice can change that and they can and will make their own decisions to continue on a path of destruction.

Remind yourself, if you are unable to make the situation better for your parent(s) and agencies fail to adequately assist, that you can only do your best to help and that’s the extent of your capability. You can try, and the ongoing situation will continue to be a source of pain and worry as long as it lasts. Sometimes things are so sticky, there’s no way out, they just exist, and it’s terrible but aside from facilitating a separated move out or the abuser landing in permanent jail, little can be done. As long as the abusive spouse(s) come in contact with each other, there will be abuse unless it’s understood there will be repercussions for their actions and they still care about the quality of the remainder of their life. It would make sense that many abusive elderly do not care any longer. They believe they have few years left and it doesn’t matter if the repercussions take place. They are sadly on a mission to be obsessively unhappy and to spread discontent, to emotionally ransack, self soothe through emoting anger, and extract revenge for their dwindling unsatisfactory life and body they cannot control, as though none of their life nor future ever mattered, because it didn’t and it doesn’t. Only physical separation at all times and a new living situation, or a lot of therapy, can halt that type of force.

😢
Very sad! I know exactly how you feel.