Starting middle school is a pivotal event in your child’s life. Coming from elementary school, where there was still a sense of carefree fun, middle school can feel like the Ice Age for kids. Most children have to adjust to having a new teacher for every class, rather than learning to love (or hate) just one teacher throughout the entire year. This transition makes it difficult for both them and you, as a parent, to find your way into the school system and feel like you know what’s going on. Gone are the days of weekly newsletters and calendars that keep parents informed about everything from how much lunch money your child has in their account to what they’ll be doing every second of every day while at school.
The Parent’s Struggle
Often, the transition is much harder for parents than it is for children. By sixth grade, children begin developing a taste for independence. And by all means, they should. However, your child isn’t a teenager yet, and you worry about the older kids they’ll be around—some with breasts, boyfriends, girlfriends, and the painful pressures of growing up. In elementary school, every kid was about the same. There weren’t parties or football games, and you knew all the parents of the children your child hung out with. But middle school comes along, and your child has many more kids to befriend. Pubescent hormones are everywhere, and you’ll notice that your child is either developing ahead of the others, behind, or right on track.
In any case, it’s a stressful time. Your child feels awkward and insecure, no matter where they are in their development, and they’re completely baffled by the changes taking place. This can lead to trouble at home, including arguments, moodiness, and disrespect.
On top of the emotional toll of starting middle school, it becomes evident that teachers can no longer rely on the boy-girl seating arrangement to prevent trouble in the classroom—it might even cause more. Loads of homework come piling in from numerous different teachers, each expecting things to be completed in a different manner, confusing both you and your child. You may experience the first instance of bad grades caused by your child’s overwhelmed mind, reeling from the pace of middle school learning. They can no longer miss a day at school for “mental health” reasons or a trip to Disney without falling behind.
The good news—or so your child thinks—is that middle school teachers don’t immediately contact mom and dad when there’s a failed test or potential problem. This means that, unless you are paying very close attention, you might not know your child is struggling until you receive a report card or progress report.
Developing Independence
This is part of middle school life. Developing their own mind, taking responsibility for their work, and remembering to do homework without needing parents to sign every paper are all important precursors for a successful life. Middle school teachers are skilled at piling on the responsibilities to see how your child handles both the freedom and expectations. As a parent, you should try to stay out of their business while remaining aware of what’s going on in their world. Instead of relying on your child for everything, learn how the middle school prefers to handle parental inquiries. Many schools have websites where you can keep tabs on your child without breathing down their neck or treating them like a baby.
Don’t be afraid to communicate via email with your child’s teachers. Most importantly, talk to your child! When your child starts middle school, one of the most important things to success is how well you communicate with them. Up to this point, they’ve followed your lead. Now, you need to learn how to offer advice and gather information without coming across as overbearing.
The Beginning of You Being the “Bad” Parent
Starting middle school is also the beginning of you being the “bad” parent. With so many children of different ages in one school, your child will gain exposure to what other parents allow. The peer pressures of being in a clique and being popular start to take hold in middle school. Suddenly, your rules of parenting may seem unfair. Why can’t your daughter wear a tight shirt and ripped jeans just because everyone else does? Why can’t your son walk home from school with his friends, even though you don’t know them?
All of a sudden, you’re unfair, and at some point, your child may accuse you of treating them like a baby (for good reason, of course). Don’t be surprised if your child starts telling a tall tale or two as well. Most middle schoolers assume their parents have no idea what’s really going on.
While you may be tempted to go back to work or start living your own life again, don’t be fooled by how big your child’s shoes are getting. Lives can be made or broken during the middle school phase. If your child has too much time alone or too many freedoms, chances are they will swerve off course. Instead, try to remain a constant presence in their life, but one that’s sometimes invisible. Don’t go sit with them in the lunchroom like you used to, and avoid the urge to follow the bus on field trips. Don’t try to hold their hand in the hallways, and don’t feel hurt if they don’t want to kiss you hello or goodbye in front of their friends. Your child is growing up and away, as they should.
Starting middle school is the beginning of a new relationship with your child. In these years, trust will be built between you and your child. You will also have the vantage point of watching them succeed (mostly on their own) as they blossom physically and emotionally into a young adult. As a parent, it’s important to learn the ropes of being both a cool mom or dad and one who isn’t worried about being ‘friends’ with your child. Work on communication with your child every day, and try not to feel resentful that time has passed so quickly.
