One of the things that keep unhappy couples complacent in a marriage is the fact that starting over after a divorce can feel so ominous. The unexpected in life is never an easy choice, and the fear of the unknown can stifle even the best of us from making healthy decisions, including one that leads to ending a marriage.
The best approach is to look at the life ahead of you as one filled with promise, hope, and challenge. See the paths to come as opportunities for a new life that will afford you the golden opportunity to rebirth your life and reignite your personal passions. The heaviness of staying in a marriage that isn’t supportive or loving can cloud your judgment, preventing you from realizing that life isn’t meant to be lived this way. Sure, it takes courage to move forward, but the alternative is one that shouldn’t even be considered.
If you’re sure, deep in your heart, that the marriage you’re in isn’t how you want to spend your life, then take it one step at a time and reinvent yourself. Chances are, in a few months or a year, you’ll become the person you want to be and experience more laughter and happiness than you ever thought possible.
Embrace the Process of Rediscovery
The trick, of course, is to start slowly. Many people, after being in a marriage for a while, fear being alone and rush into dating and new relationships. The reason this doesn’t work is that the person you are at the end of a relationship is not the person you’ll become in a few months. This person is coming from a place of fear and uncertainty, rather than from a place of authenticity. Age creeps up on all of us and can make us feel as though we have to rush into something new. Take a breath and try to enjoy being by yourself for a while. Remember what it felt like to explore your inner self, your passions, and your own identity, without the label of Mr. or Mrs. This is a time to do whatever you want, to indulge in yourself, and reacquaint yourself with the simple joy of happiness.
Before you reach it, there may be moments of mourning and loss, but it’s a loss that extends beyond losing a person; it’s about figuring out who you are again.
The next step is to live a life that resonates with who you are and who you want to be. In doing so, you’ll put yourself in the prime position to meet others who share your interests. Think of the people in your life as roots to friendships, and learn to be open about your pains, hurts, sorrows, and insecurities. One of the most important aspects of starting over after a divorce is learning to trust others and yourself once again. Your life is what you make of it, and it is far more important to live a life based on honesty to yourself than it is to make an impression or gain acceptance from others. This process can take time and involves much trial and error. You’ll know you’re on the right path when you feel free, safe, and content, both inside and out.
There are always two ways to view the future. While many look at it with optimism, far more see it as scary and unstable. Financial, emotional, familial, and other responsibilities can seem overwhelming outside the confines of a marriage, but there’s always a way for those willing to find it. Positive thinking can go a long way to ensuring that everything works out in time.
Without a doubt, things will be different. Some things may be harder, and lifestyle adjustments will likely be necessary. However, holding on to something that darkens your heart—just to maintain appearances or material possessions—steals your happiness, health, and well-being in ways that are never worth the sacrifice. Remember, like all things in life, this period is temporary. With enough time and effort, you will emerge from the storm feeling refreshed and renewed. All things pass with time, and nothing is ever as bad as we imagine it to be.
Starting over after a divorce is also about letting go—learning from your mistakes and acknowledging your faults in life. It’s not about punishing or crucifying yourself, but rather taking one experience and deciding to extract something valuable from it. Change is uncomfortable for most people, but think of this change as a challenge to finally do what’s right for you. Keep in mind that no matter what the consequences of the divorce, you have the ultimate decision to react and feel about them however you choose. Holding on to anger, resentment, negativity, or frustration will only hurt you. The decisive way to shift your mindset is to work toward a positive outlook. No matter what he or she did, no matter how many years you feel you wasted—holding on to those feelings will only keep you trapped in an unhappy life. The choice is yours to make.
Starting over after a divorce is similar to starting over after any other traumatic event in life. It takes time and conscious thought. It takes money and the ability to rebuild, one block at a time. It takes bravery—the ability to believe that the future is not out to get you, and that good things are constantly trying to find their way to you. While the initial part may be painful, it is never in vain. Your healing will lead to wellness, and it can bring a better life in ways you never believed possible. Seek the counsel of positive family and friends, and keep your heart and life open to all the possibilities that surround you.
