The question of staying married for the children’s sake is equivalent to asking, is it about you or them? In the grand scheme of things, who comes first? And emotionally, whose feelings are more fragile?
Whose Future Is It Anyway?
At the time you tied the knot, wore the ring, threw a grand reception, and escaped to one of the most expensive destinations in the world, you were convinced that getting married was the best decision you ever made. It was the beginning of a beautiful life filled with love, blessed by society, and supported by friends and family.
The truth is, marrying the chosen one made you drunk with happiness. That’s why they say weddings hold so much magic, and that love conquers all. The honeymoon was unforgettable, buying a house threw you into a state of joyous frenzy, and the adorable children you bore brought more happiness into your home, warming your heart and soul. Being a parent for the first time deserves poetic narration, but you know deep down that nothing—no one—can truly capture the ecstasy that ran in your veins when your firstborn arrived. A new you, a changed status, and exciting plans for the future.
Then… Somewhere Along the Way, Something Changed.
You begin to wonder why the same feelings of happiness you felt years ago now elude you, cruelly revealing that this thing called happiness is strictly ephemeral, a passing stranger in the night. One day you felt like Cinderella, convinced that you would live happily ever after, but all that was only an illusion. A bait. A trap. And you fell for it.
If we were to examine life in sequential stages, what follows after spouses discover that love and marriage do not go together like a horse and carriage—that it is just an old wives’ tale used to trick the young and innocent?
In contemporary societies, divorce may seem like the next logical step. For childless couples, this may be the best and quickest solution because, let’s face it, we need to get on with our lives. Our personal agendas are brimming with plans, hopes, and dreams that a failed marriage should not spoil.
But When There Are Children…
Staying married for the children’s sake is a burning question that divorcing couples have to grapple with.
Granted, there’s no point in staying together when husband and wife no longer love each other, but when children are concerned, the dynamics are different.
Regardless of their age, children are profoundly affected by their parents’ divorce. Survey after survey reveals a precarious situation that children must face when their parents’ lives change course dramatically. The uncertainty and insecurities triggered by the split force children to adjust to new circumstances. It is this constant adjusting that puts a strain on their psyche, especially highlighted when each parent falls in love with someone else and moves into a new living arrangement. This mental confusion forces the children to what psychologists refer to as “negotiating their own relationships.”
One observation is common: a good number of these children remain single later in life or are simply not interested in married life. Many of them do not want children, some expressing the fear that they don’t want their children to experience the same growing pains they had when exposed to their parents’ conflicts. These facts were revealed by Mark Fine and John Harvey in their book Children of Divorce: Stories of Loss and Growth (2004), citing the works of Wallerstein et al., who monitored 131 children in California for 30 years whose parents had divorced.
Staying Married for the Children’s Sake – Not If…
Let’s face the issue head-on: Should couples stay married for the children’s sake? Our answer is yes, but with qualifications. Here’s our take:
If husband and wife are educated and responsible human beings, there must be a willingness on their part to stop thinking about their unhappiness and concentrate instead on the happiness of the children.
Circumstances change, however, and because of these changes, individuals are deeply affected. You may have heard friends and family speak of incidents that forced couples to divorce. Yes, we have to think of the children first and foremost, but when life turns into a living hell for couples, they must be given the chance to ‘bail out’ of the marriage so as not to drag the children into the drama.
For example, when the husband has a history of physical or sexual abuse, or if the wife has had drug problems in the past, there is no reason why young, innocent children should be exposed to a string of negative events. In one real-life example, a friend had an uncle addicted to video lottery terminals. What began as occasional gambling escalated into heavier stakes, and he was unable to control his betting impulses. How did his story end? He lost everything: a beautiful wife, adorable kids, and a home that was the envy of the neighborhood. This man has gone into hiding, and his family does not know his whereabouts.
Another example is when an individual’s cocaine habit causes the family’s fortunes to disappear. People who take drugs for pleasure often think their habit will remain under control, but just as with smoking, addiction can take hold quickly. The damage is often irreversible. Individuals destroy themselves and their families, leaving the other spouse with no other recourse but to leave the marriage in order to save the children from this traumatic reality.
Verbal abuse is tantamount to mental torture. When a spouse constantly belittles the other, reducing that person to someone with no self-esteem, it’s time to bail out of the marriage. Health concerns are also trigger factors for spouses falling out of love. For example, if one partner gains significant weight and does nothing about it, it can create immense pressure on the family.
Religious fanaticism is another reason. When religious beliefs get in the way and endanger the lives of loved ones, what can one do? A clear example of this is when certain religions condemn blood transfusions. We knew a woman whose husband refused to allow a life-saving transfusion for his wife because of their religious beliefs, yet her family ultimately forced the transfusion. It saved her life. Religious fanaticism can be deplorable, especially when it affects those around you.
Bottom line: While we have no right to rob children of their innocence and youth and force them to grow up too soon because their parents split up, we should also bear in mind that there are situations that fall outside the realm of choosing between the happiness of the children or the happiness of the husband and wife.
If the situations mentioned above don’t exist in a marriage, then couples should stay married for the sake of the children. Dialogue should replace fighting and confrontation.
Divorce Is All About the Children
When two people divorce, it immediately creates a void in children’s lives. How large or deep that void is depends on several factors. One would be the genetic elements that constitute their personalities, another would be the degree of love and affection they feel for both parents or any particular attachment to one, or still, the emotional absence of parents who were too preoccupied with their own troubles to notice what the children were going through.
Some people argue that children of divorced parents benefit from the separation because it teaches them the value of independence and resiliency.
Independence and Resiliency Are Wonderful Traits, But at What Cost?
Do children grow and become stronger emotionally because of divorce? On the surface, it may seem that way, becoming shining examples of why divorce is a necessity. But what lies beneath it all? The effects of divorce may lie dormant in them for years, but how can we predict when they will explode later into adulthood when they themselves become parents?
Children of divorced parents carry emotional scars forever. As they grow into adults, they will continually attempt to resolve issues they faced years before: Do most marriages end up sour? Where do I belong? How does one define family? How many families must I be loyal to? Why do I have to go back and forth between two houses when it was so much easier when mom and dad loved each other?
Depending on the severity of the emotional injury inflicted by divorce, children of divorced parents have a higher risk of delinquency and perform poorly in school. They experience emotional and social problems, often feeling alienated from the rest of society—social outcasts who feel ashamed that their parents are divorced. There’s also the depression factor to contend with.
Verdict
Again, we emphasize: If there is no domestic violence or drug/alcohol abuse, couples should stay married for the children’s sake. The family is the basic social unit of society. We need strong, solid families if we want a strong country inhabited by people who are emotionally stable and have no ghosts in their closets. We want people who can rise to the occasion in good times and bad, not those who throw in the towel at the slightest disruption.
More importantly, we want human beings who can look beyond their own problems so that the children they’re raising can do the same later in their lives when faced with the same frustrations. Communities need productive citizens who dedicate their time and effort to the common good—people willing to shed off a bit of individualism for the sake of building strong, united families.
Marriage has always been and will always be a commitment between two people. It would be reassuring to know that we have no intention of eroding this sense of commitment in any way.
