Step Moms – The Other Mom

step mom holding girls hand

Thanks to the wide range of theatrical productions, stepmoms have been given a bad reputation. The stepmom is often portrayed as wicked, evil, always trying to steal the dad away from the kids, and, at any minute, locking up her stepchildren in attempts to get rid of them. However, millions of stepmoms around the world beg to differ with the likes of Cinderella. With compassion, strength, and persistence, they have become matriarchal queens in the lives of children who are not theirs. For the children, accepting a stepmom can be difficult at any age, and it can easily plant seeds of discontent and confusion that must be dealt with and overcome.

From a child’s standpoint, the acceptance of a stepmom is often influenced by the behavior of the parents. If the birth mother is overly critical and competes with the stepmom, things can become strained for the children. Even if they like their stepmom, they may feel a tremendous amount of guilt for having those feelings. They may also struggle to understand why their parents divorced and may harbor deep resentment about it. The obvious target for that resentment is often the stepmom. As a stepmom, it’s important not to try too hard and to recognize that, as the adult in the situation, you are responsible for your actions and reactions. Sure, it can hurt deeply to never feel accepted by a child, and it can cause frustration, even resentment toward the birth mother for her obvious attacks on you when you are not present. The stepmom is often the target of ill will from both the birth mother and the child. This, too, can be overcome with patience and dedication. However, acting irrationally and placing demands on the children will only strain your relationship and fulfill the “wicked stepmother” stereotype.

Building a Healthy Stepmom Relationship

Older kids often do not adjust easily to a stepmom and may feel that their authority is undermined. It is important for the stepmom and her husband to be very clear about boundaries and rules in the household and to present a united front. Many parents feel guilty about putting their child through a divorce and, as a way to protect their children, will side with them. This can leave the stepmom feeling like an outsider, as though she’s not a respected member of the family. Children can be manipulative and may use this to their advantage, which further complicates the chance for children to learn to love and respect their stepmom.

Children are also often pressured to call their stepmother “mom.” However, it’s important to recognize that, regardless of the situation, this woman is not their mom. Children should be allowed to make their own decision about what to call their stepmom and whether or not they wish to address her as “mom.” If they are forced, they may feel resentful, and the label will feel unnatural when it rolls off their lips. If their birth mom is still in the picture, then they already have a mom and should not be pressured to call someone else “mom” unless they genuinely wish to do so. The stepmom should respect this as well. While it might feel nice to be seen in that role, the place you fill in their heart can be just as meaningful, whether they call you “Mama Kate” or simply “Katie.”

If you have children of your own and become a stepmom, it can be difficult not to be biased. You love your own children, not necessarily more, but differently than you love someone else’s. This is not to say that the love for your stepchildren can’t be just as strong or meaningful. If all the children, whether stepchildren or biological children, live together in the same household, stepmoms and stepdads must be as diligent as possible to ensure equality. This means that the same rules should apply to all children, and your heart should be just as open to your stepchildren as it is to the children you gave birth to.

Probably the most important thing for stepparents to realize is that just because you’ve found love with someone doesn’t guarantee an automatic bond with their children. These relationships take time to grow, just like any friendship. If you’re extremely lucky, the bond may form overnight without a hitch. More often, however, the stepmom will have to work hard to build a relationship with her stepchildren, one based on trust and love. This can be achieved by showing love, allowing the children to take the lead, and not holding on to too many expectations. Step moms need to be patient and understand that their stepchildren are still children. Even though there may be no valid reason for them to dislike you, they may still act out at times. When they say, “You’re not MY mother,” simply respond, “You’re right!” Explain to them that while you may not be their mother, you are in charge of them and deserve respect. Setting the groundwork for respect is essential; without it, the children can become a threat to your happiness, health, and relationship.

Expecting the best from the stepmom-stepchild relationship is a good place to start. As long as you know your place in their lives and remain open to whatever comes, you can be in a good position. It is vital to avoid badmouthing, degrading comments, or gossip about their birth mother, as this can undermine the very foundation from which these children were born. Their mother, regardless of your opinion of her, is still their mother. The mother-child relationship, even when painful or unhealthy, is complex and cannot be easily replaced. Your job is not to replace their birth mother, but to be another trusted, loving, and dependable person in their life.

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