Perhaps one of the most annoying things about “other people’s children” is witnessing what can be referred to as “learned helplessness.”
You know the type. You invite a playmate over for a few hours, only to realize that the child is completely helpless and constantly asking for help when they should be playing with their friend. “Can you tie my shoe? Can you get me a drink? Can you turn the light on? Will you help me with this puzzle?” You quickly come to appreciate your own child’s independence and make a mental note not to invite this child over again. This doesn’t even account for the fact that “learned helpless” children are often the world’s biggest tattletales, constantly enlisting the help of adults to solve even the most mundane problems.
The most evident reflection of your parenting shines through your children’s behavior, especially with younger kids. If after spending a few hours with your child you find yourself completely exhausted, here’s a bit of advice: STOP DOING EVERYTHING FOR YOUR CHILD! Chances are, their state of constant neediness is learned—taught and encouraged by YOU.
Encourage Independence, Not Dependence
The truth is that by a certain age, your child is capable of doing many things on their own. Even a two-year-old can throw away their own trash, put their sippy cup in the sink, and pick up toys off the playroom floor. A three-year-old should be able to put on their own shirt and pants, brush their teeth, and feed themselves. By the time they are four or five, children of normal mental capacity should be able to handle most tasks that make up their daily routine. If your kindergarten student can easily navigate your smartphone, they should be able to find their own shoes and pick up their room.
One very common parenting mistake is doing too many things for your child. Yes, sometimes, especially when you’re in a hurry or need something done quickly, it’s easier to take charge and do things yourself. But constantly catering to every whim, whistle, and hiccup your child faces in a day creates a completely dependent child, who will struggle tremendously in the real world.
Your child’s teacher is not going to bend like a willow tree every time your child feels helpless. The truth is, most people in your child’s life will not treat them with kid gloves or indulge the needy “baby” stage—and neither should you.
Experts believe that one of the reasons parents do everything for their child is that they are satisfying their own emotional needs. For example, the mother who feels guilty for working, the father who feels guilty for traveling, or the parent who has an innate desire to feel needed may cling to the idea of being “everything” for their child. These parents inadvertently create co-dependency to support their own fears or needs, and sadly, this does nothing to empower the child.
Children need to feel capable. If you’re always jumping in to do everything for your child, whether they ask for help or not, you’re making them feel inadequate. As they get older, they will constantly struggle with the belief that they can’t handle things on their own, and will continue to rely on you for guidance. This results in a teenager who cannot function socially—or otherwise—without their parents’ reinforcement. It also leads to elementary students who feel frustrated and unsuccessful at school because they have been subtly taught their whole lives that they are incapable.
As parents, especially as we watch our children grow up and away from us, it’s easy and natural to “over-function” for them. As mentioned before, sometimes it’s just easier to finish the puzzle for them rather than watching them struggle. And sometimes, overdoing things is simply a way to relieve your own negative perceptions of your parenting. Some parents do this because they feel their own parents were inadequate, and they live under the shadow of trying to “do more” and “be more.” Even more commonly, parents worry that if they don’t do everything for their child, the child won’t like them.
No matter the reason, the raw truth is that it’s not healthy for your child’s development. It doesn’t serve their needs in life. Keep in mind that your child will spend countless hours away from you, and there are things they need to be able to do independently. Children should not be tethered to constantly needing their parent’s assistance, attention, and approval. In fact, children should take pride in their independence, and parents should encourage them to do things for themselves—even if they don’t do them in what you consider the “right way.”
Not only will your child go further in life and succeed on their own merits more often, but by fostering independence, you’ll ensure that they get invited to more playdates and have the opportunity to be “the teacher’s pet!”
