Would you really want to know what your spouse is thinking every single minute of every single day? If someone offered you the superpower to be a mind reader, would you take them up on it? At first, it might seem like a great magical power to be able to read other people’s minds. But think for a moment about your own mind. If everyone around you knew what you were really thinking at all times, would you have any friends? And would your spouse still be with you?
Chances are, the answer to both of those questions is a resounding NO. So why do you think you can—or even try—to always decipher what your spouse is thinking? Here’s a little advice that will make your marital bliss… well, more blissful: STOP TRYING TO READ YOUR SPOUSE’S MIND! The bottom line is that, no matter how long you’ve been together or how well you think you know them, you don’t always know what they are thinking. Thoughts—even today, in this information age—are private.
One of the most important tools in communication that counselors and psychologists emphasize is that you should ‘own’ everything that YOU say. This is especially crucial in a marriage, particularly when you’re having a conversation or disagreement with your spouse. Instead of trying to hint that you know what they are thinking, you should speak from the “I” point of view. For instance:
- “I know you want to go out with the guys instead of staying home with me!”
- “I think you think I’m not a good father!”
- “I know how you are, and you don’t care that it hurts my feelings.”
- “I know something is bothering you!”
Now for the psychoanalyst-style cleaned-up statements…
- “It hurts my feelings that you would rather spend time with the guys than with me.”
- “I feel like you’re putting down my ability to be a good father!”
- “I feel like you don’t always consider my feelings!”
- “Are you okay? I sense that you may be upset.”
Basically, you’ve said the same things but in a way that isn’t accusatory or presumptuous. When you approach things like this, your spouse has no reason to feel defensive and doesn’t feel like they’re being attacked. After all, you are entitled to your feelings and your thoughts—but you shouldn’t impose them on others.
Two other phrases in spousal conversations that are almost guaranteed to start an argument are, “You never…” and “You always…” If you start a conversation with these phrases, you’ve already started a war, put your spouse on the defensive, and rattled their ego by insinuating that you know everything about them. Sure, spouses (and anyone else, for that matter) can have certain habits and predictable patterns of behavior. But if your goal is conversation, communication, and ultimately understanding—these two little phrases will rarely get you there.
You have to wonder why so many people don’t just ask their spouse what they’re thinking. “What do you think about me going out with the guys?” “What do you think about me going clothes shopping?” “What do you think about the way this outfit looks on me?” By asking direct questions like these, which are specific, you’re more likely to get a direct answer and pick up on important conversational cues between the two of you. And it leaves room for honesty.
Additionally, if you’re unhappy for any reason in your marriage, you can’t wait for your spouse to read your mind. You can’t do passive-aggressive things like withhold sex or act irritated and expect your spouse to know you’re upset about the trash or that you never get help around the house. For one thing, those things are often unrelated. For another, unless you’ve talked to your spouse about your personal needs, wants, desires, and expectations in your marriage, you should assume they think differently than you do.
Marital expectations often build up long before we walk down the aisle. And marriage is so different from dating because it is only then—after you’ve committed to the relationship—that people start revealing their personal belief systems. Since these expectations were likely formed while you were growing up and shaped by your environment, there is no way that you or your spouse can clearly understand each other’s thoughts—unless you talk about it. A lot.
The sooner you stop trying to read your spouse’s mind and start communicating directly, the better off your marriage will be. The tough questions can be hard to ask, but what you might find is that the answers to your questions are far more valuable when they come directly from your spouse, rather than from your imagination.
It’s also important to respect the fact that some thoughts are meant to remain private. Which is precisely why you weren’t born a mind reader! Just like you wouldn’t want someone invading your mind or acting like they know every thought you have, others won’t like it either.
