Like most things in life—marriage, relationships, parenting, and family—all start out with the best of intentions. Everyone involved has a “rainbow vision,” clearly expecting a colorful and magical life to unfold, believing that the white picket fence and cast of characters will evolve as peacefully as an episode of Leave It to Beaver. No one wants to hurt their spouse or child, but eventually, these characters begin to feel that they are being taken for granted.
It begins with frenzied excitement. When we first embark on any relationship, whether it be romantic or with our newborn child, we have goals and ideas for the future. Maintaining our “future” becomes the focus. First, we pour our all into our spouse. We give and give and give, never feeling resentful for the time and effort we put into the other person. After all, they are our world. Often, this is reciprocated in the best way that our partner knows how, and all is well. Then, children or other family members may come into the picture. All that giving and effort is directed towards the children, and the relationship that bred them is often overlooked.
Parents become indulgent—rightfully so—and are so involved and overwhelmed with love for their child that they think of them first, even before themselves, and always before their other relationships in life. Again, a perfectly natural beginning to a new relationship. This intense period where our passions and attention are so deeply held by this new person (either spouse or child) is caused by a proven chemical change in the brain. The stage that follows is called the “98.6” degree of life, where many people begin to feel taken for granted, unappreciated, and resentful of how their life has unfolded. This letdown, similar to coming off a high, means that the cravings for more passion can silently sit in our hearts, waiting to creep to the surface at any time. When we hit this “98.6” part of life, we often lose our passion, and the feelings that were once hot, heavy, and thrilling become balanced and normal. This too is natural and actually a good and common-sense way to live.
The Problem with Habitual Behavior
The problem with a balanced and comfortable life is that the man and woman become deeply rooted in habitual behaviors. For instance, dinner may be served at 6 p.m. every night. Monday through Friday becomes essentially the same routine, and two people who were once partners begin to take on roles and responsibilities without discussion. It’s as if life takes on an energy of its own, and without discussions or dialogue, people just continue to do what they’ve always done. It starts out innocent enough. Perhaps mom stays home with the baby, reprieving herself from work for a while and starts doing all the laundry and cleaning. She doesn’t mind—after all, she is home all day. The husband goes to work, taking on extra hours to support the new family, and comes home exhausted, much too drained to participate in the household chores. Suddenly, these two people who were once filled with such intense feelings and passion are now living in a clearer state of mind and begin to resent all they do for others in their lives, feeling as if they are unappreciated. Next, they begin to take one another for granted, just assuming that the way things are is acceptable.
Being taken for granted in the larger scope of things isn’t about someone victimizing you or draining you of resources simply because they know they can. It isn’t malicious behavior, and normally, there is no intent at all. It just happens. The problem is that while you may feel you are being taken for granted by someone you love, you also have a large piece of the responsibility pie. People treat you how you teach them to treat you. Maybe you constantly do everything without speaking a word about your disdain for cooking; or maybe your working like a dog to make ends meet goes unnoticed, and it seems to the other person in your life that you don’t mind a bit. One of the biggest mistakes couples make is assuming that the other should be able to read their mind. They can’t! And you can’t read your spouse’s mind either.
Being taken for granted is a result of life taking over. You do what you do, and he or she does what they do, and neither has the time or inclination to give nods of appreciation or expressions of gratitude. People become too wrapped up in their own needs and feelings to realize that their spouse may have similar ones. The same is true when it comes to friendships. If you are always offering to pay for lunch because you know your best friend is broke, eventually you will feel as though you are being taken advantage of, when the truth is, it is a behavior that you have taught them to do.
No matter what happens in your life, you have to be able to stick up for yourself. This doesn’t mean causing an argument or saying hurtful things to a beloved friend. It means being honest about how you feel. If you begin to feel that you are taking on too much, whether in the hierarchy of your family or friendships, you need to take proactive steps to open up dialogue. Another aspect of being taken for granted is also YOU not appreciating others enough. Beneath feelings and words of gratitude is a raw emotion that can come full circle, meaning that as you learn to recognize what others do for you and what they mean to you, you will be recognized in return.
It may seem petty to ask that others notice the extra steps you take every day to make their lives more comfortable. Even the noblest deeds are done with the hopes that someone else will appreciate your efforts. Many people talk about doing good for others and that being enough to satisfy the soul. However, there is a longing in the human spirit to be thanked and noticed. It isn’t always enough to just feel good about something. In relationships, this is even more important.
If you feel you have been taken for granted by someone in your life, there are a few steps you must take. First, take a long, deep, and honest look at what others do for you. Certainly, you can find a mother, brother, sister, or aunt who is a strong force in your life, always supporting you or helping you whenever you are in need and who goes out of their way to make you feel special. Next, thank them. Tell them how good it makes you feel to be loved in this way and how much you appreciate all they do. Recognize the big and little things that they do which make you feel grateful for having them in your life. Send a card, an email, or a simple note. If you feel like there is nothing that you can do to repay or show them just how much you love them, you are wrong. Thanks and a hug can often do the trick. Now, you can spread those same feelings to others in your life.
The next step is to talk to the person you feel is taking you for granted. Whether it is your boss, your spouse, your children, or a close friend, resist the urge to be passive-aggressive. What many people do is decide that they will no longer “be available” in the way that allows others to take advantage of them. This only fills you with anger and can confuse others involved. Just because you assume they already know you’re upset, don’t assume that they know why. Instead, tell them. Also, resist making them feel guilty. Many people, especially in romantic relationships, try to be the one always “doing the most” so that they constantly feel as though they have the upper hand. If you are an “outdoer,” try to understand why you are this way and realize that it isn’t someone else taking you for granted—it is you trying to play the victim. Choose your words and talk the situation out rather than relying on assumptions.
As you talk to the person, make sure you underline the fact that their friendship in your life is important and that it means the world to you. Understand that while your way of being a great friend or spouse may not be the same as someone else’s, the next thing is to realize how others, in their very unique and personal ways, make strides to do for you as well. Eventually, what you will find is that you are being reciprocated. The trouble may be that you do everything for your spouse and assume that if they loved you, they would do the same. Their “everything” may be entirely different than yours.
If you are a parent, chances are high that your children are taking you for granted every day of their little lives. The older they get, the more they take you for granted. Yes, it can be heartbreaking to be so fully supportive of your child only to find that taking out the trash or picking up their dirty socks as a favor to you is a huge imposition on their lives. Remember that they are children, and on some level, you taught them to do this. Rather than ranting and raving, moaning and griping, try to teach them the valuable lesson of being grateful for others and learning how to reciprocate goodwill. Help them to understand that you do for them because you love them and want them to be happy and that you try to make their lives simpler in many ways so they can enjoy themselves more. If they fail to understand the lesson due to immature selfishness, then do them a big favor and show them how things could be for a while. They may not thank you entirely until they are in their 30s, but it is your job to teach them about appreciation and giving back to others.
The Easy Fix for Being Taken for Granted Lies Within
Being taken for granted is a tricky subject. On one hand, you may genuinely feel that you aren’t getting the praise or attention you deserve, which leads to feelings of being ignored or hurt. But on the other hand, life has taught you that in order to be worthy, lovable, or secure, you must have praise. When you were in kindergarten, you may have received stickers for good work. When you had a good report card, your parents felt proud and may have rewarded you. When you work hard at your job, your boss gives you a reward. In fact, there are rewards for all sorts of things in life, and by the time you’re an adult, you’ve come to expect them. Then, you suddenly find out that your reward book is no longer filling up with stickers and “attaboys.”
In order to thrive in your life, you have to take a step back and realize that your good deeds must feel good to you. If you are doing things for others just so you can stand on a pedestal for five minutes to feel important, it’s time to change the way you live. This goes back to one of the first statements in this article—others can’t make you feel something you don’t want to feel. Try to unravel why it is so important for you to feel neglected. Try to understand why you need this praise from other people in order to feel loved. The bottom line is that you have to live your life the way YOU want to live and be happy regardless of how others respond. If you feel you have been taken for granted, chances are you aren’t being true to living a life that empowers you. Start doing things because you want to, rather than doing things in the hopes of getting noticed. If you cook, clean, and save money to please your spouse, make sure it’s what YOU want and not just what you silently expect. This way, you will enjoy your life and feel good about the things you do for others without waiting for a pat on the back. Eventually, the pat will come, but in the meantime, you will be in a place where you can feel good and confident with who you are and how much you mean to others.
One Response
What happens when I do voice what I want and need, and he still tries to take me for granted, despite both of us having made an agreement of who will do what task, so that I can tend to self care? What do I do if people still cross my boundaries, and try to get me to give and give until you I can’t take it anymore? What am I supposed to do when most of the people in my life seem to not even be able to make simple decisions on their own?