Deciding whether to take a child to a funeral depends on several factors. You need to consider your child’s maturity level, their understanding of death, and their relationship to the deceased. For many parents grieving the loss of a close relative, the decision is a no-brainer—they want their child there. However, if the deceased is not someone your child was particularly close to, you may want to consider how the grieving family might feel before bringing a noisy toddler to the chapel.
Considering Your Child’s Understanding of Death
Your first consideration should be your child. Perhaps death or grieving has never come up in your family. However, you can likely think back to a time when a pet, animal, or insect died and use that as a starting point to talk to your child about what death means. You may be surprised by how well they grasp the permanence of death and, in some cases, how composed they are. Children tend to internalize death differently than adults. For young children, they rarely see past today, let alone tomorrow, and death may seem like nothing more than a temporary roadblock. They might even express a casual attitude, saying something like, “Aunt Mary is in Heaven.” End of story.
However, other children may be fearful of death. If they are at an age where they believe in monsters and ghosts, or have been influenced by media portrayals of death, they may have a harder time processing it. For these children, attending a funeral should not be pushed, especially if they were not particularly close to the deceased. A funeral home, viewing, and seeing mourners can overwhelm a child. It can also spark feelings of insecurity about the safety of their own family members, even raising fears of their own death. Death can invoke fear in both children and adults. If you feel anxious or uneasy about death, there’s a chance your child may feel the same.
It’s also a good idea to ask your child if they want to attend the funeral. If they have never been to one before, give them a heads-up about what to expect. Be as specific as possible when discussing the funeral procession and pay attention to their reactions. It’s normal for children to be curious, but some kids may show no interest at all. Once you explain the experience, make sure to discuss what it means to attend a funeral. Talk about how many people will be sad, commemorate the deceased’s life, and what will happen at the burial, among other details. If your child doesn’t want to go, don’t push them. On the other hand, if they show interest, don’t discourage them. After all, death is part of life, and they will need to come to terms with it eventually, regardless of how sheltered you try to keep them.
Taking a child to a funeral doesn’t necessarily mean they have to attend the graveside service or the church ceremony. If your children are young, you may feel embarrassed by their inability to sit still or be quiet. Some people may find children disruptive at a funeral, while others appreciate the presence of children to lighten the mood. Instead of having them attend every part of the service, choose the most suitable part for them. Often, services held at the funeral home provide a more child-friendly environment. However, having them view an open casket is not advisable until they are older and capable of discussing their feelings with you. Even then, if they don’t want to go in, don’t make them. There are plenty of adults who avoid viewings for similar reasons.
You should also consider whether your child will benefit from attending the funeral. Was the deceased someone they were very close to and loved dearly? Will attending the service help them find closure or cope with the loss? For some children who do not attend a funeral, the death may feel unresolved. They may not understand what happened to their loved one, nor will they have a clear sense of closure. Some parents decide too quickly that their child must attend the funeral without fully understanding why, other than for their own comfort. While it may be soothing to have family members around you during this time, you shouldn’t use your children to help you cope with the loss.
Finally, consider the wishes of the funeral home and the next of kin. Some funerals are more child-friendly than others. If the service is long or formal, bringing a child might not be the best choice. It’s a good idea to contact the funeral home beforehand or speak with someone in charge of the service to understand their preferences. In some cases, funeral homes arrange nurseries or childcare services during the service.
Every child is different, and their response to death will depend on the environment they are in. Some children may sit quietly through the funeral without any lasting impact, while others may feel confused or agitated. By considering your child’s personality, age, and your own gut feeling, you’ll usually make the best decision. Eventually, your child will learn about death. It’s up to you to decide when the right time is. If you approach the topic with love and leave room for open communication afterward, your child will likely be okay.